The self.

"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."
- The Bhagavad Gita

Being surrounded by the many amazing people I am, I continually find myself wishing I were like a few choice people I know.

Thank you universe, for the reminder that being ME is just fine and that I should relish in my uniqueness and not strive to be the duplicate of anyone, even if those "anyones" that I wish to emulate are amazing.

Just a friendly reminder.

If I'm not feeling in extremes, I'm not feeling anything at all.

I've been in sort of a funk lately. I'm not sure why. Ok, in the name of honesty, I have a pretty good idea why, but I don't think I'm ready to go there quite yet.

Anywho.

My mind is spinning with thoughts of poetry and it's days like today that I wish I was gifted in that domain. That talent would really come in handy for me this particular week, as a matter of fact. You see, for one of my classes we were given the assignment to write a poem. Not just any poem. A poem with 14 specific words that must be included at some point. Wow. I recall one of my very first blog posts being an "object" poem that I was assigned in my creative writing class last year. I had to include 3 specific words and writing that thing was pure torture. I still read it and cringe.

Despite my recently established "funk," in which normally I would feel at least some inspiration, I'm left completely impression-less. I even searched out old notebooks in hopes that I would find neurotic stimulation to put me up to this tedious task. Unfortunately, I found nothing of the sort. Instead I came across some old depressing poems I had forgotten about, but somehow feel like sharing. This one ironically fits in perfectly with this week.

When I wrote this, I dedicated it to Riley-- for her birthday.
I realize that no one, probably not even the person I wrote it for will get it.
I will post it anyway, sharing my depth through vagueness once again. For that, my friends, is an art-form I have MASTERED.


Hidden behind the anger, the resentment
beneath the scars, the physical
witness of an internal battle
lies a girl who is everything.

Bright. Witty. Bold. Beautiful.
Consumed by her own self-loathing.

She appears empty, but I will show
you a girl who knows this is not so.


Hidden behind stillness and apparent
unshaken strength
beneath poetic words full of power
a true poster child for hope and healing
lies a girl who is nothing

Hollow. Empty. Weak. Alone.
Consumed by her own self-loathing.



Yup, definitely fits the funk this week.

Horoscopes.

I've always been a fan of horoscopes. I don't necessarily follow them religiously, but I think they can have elements of "truth." No matter what, they are least fun to read, right? I read mine this morning and I really liked it and thought I would share:

"Give your guardian angels and the powers that be the benefit of the doubt right now, moonchild. You may feel like your back is against the wall, or that you are hopelessly caught up in a problem that you won't be able to find your way out of. You may even feel forsaken and alone. But you are not. There is a great light of love surrounding you. You are protected and guarded and guided, and if you open up your heart enough to feel the love, you will be comforted by it. Allow yourself to feel safe. Have faith that everything will work out. You will have what you need."

I was really kind of touched because it fit so well with where I'm at right now and some of the experiences I've had this week. I think I easily forget about the guardian angels I have been blessed with, but just last night during yoga I felt this amazing connection to their presence and their love. I am seriously so grateful for this week. I finally feel on top of the world and that life has meaning and purpose again. I've been mindlessly wandering for far too long. It's good to be back home.

On being real.

The last few months have been busy, to say the least. However, despite the chaos that is characteristic of my life, I have had some pretty profound moments.

I recently had a major epiphany about myself. In my pursuit of ultimate self-awareness (aka therapy) I realized that I have an insanely hard time trusting people. I don't just let anyone into my life, and sometimes I go to extremes to push people away. I'm sure to some degree this has been a self-preservation technique, albeit an unhealthy one. I didn't really see this as a huge problem until recently when I realized that my inability to trust people is going to negatively affect my ability to provide therapy to the people I'm destined to help.

I'm in a play therapy class this semester which has seriously blown my mind. Our teacher is the epitome of who/what I want to be as a therapist. I love the humanism embodied in the theory of her therapy and I feel that she is an incredible example of how to mix that with enough creative juice to come up with an amazing masterpiece. A few weeks ago we talked about the essential features of play therapy, one being the therapist's ability to be genuine and real with the child. We talked about this not being just a simple technique, or a button within yourself that you turn on and off as you enter the playroom, but rather as a way of being.

I was completely struck by that concept and it was then that I realized that I have this internal struggle constantly going on in my head. It is the the debate of perfection vs. realness.

I have always enjoyed people who are real, raw, unadulterated. I'm envious of the people that can say to the world, "this is how I am, you can take it or leave it, but I refuse to be anything different." I'm jealous of those who are capable of being brutally honest. Not in the "yes that dress makes you look SO fat" kind of way, but in the "yes, these are the mistakes I've made, here are my deepest, darkest thoughts about life, this is my very soul" sort of way.

The truth is, I've always wanted to be that person. I've tried at times and succeeded to an extent, but I think the constant rejection caused me to shrivel back into my tiny little shell where no one could see me for the person I really am. I realize that I am very good at hiding myself and trying very hard to appear "perfect" and polished on the outside. I've been terrified to to admit to anyone besides myself that I'm beautifully broken and dangerously damaged. Instead I try to do everything perfectly and live up to completely ridiculous and unreal expectations. But you know what? I'm tired of it.

Last month I was blessed to have the listening ears of a beautiful friend who let me tell her some of my life story. That's not at all an easy thing for me to do, and she could tell you that it took her opening up to me and "becoming human" for me to begin talking. It was refreshing to "out" myself, to reveal some of my "fatal flaws" and to experience understanding rather dismissal.

In another class just this last week I was introduced to a slogan from AA: "We are only as sick as our secrets." That also really hit home for me because I think that I waste too much time and energy hiding myself in fear rather than becoming the genuine and real person that lives somewhere inside of me. In a way, I suppose that has been making me "sick." Over the last two months I have really resolved to try to be more open and honest with people. I'm not saying that I'm planning on baring (no I didn't spell it wrong, I mean literally- bare-ing) my soul to everyone I meet. Rather, I would like to begin slowly breaking down the walls around myself that I have spent a lot of time building up to keep people away. It seems to me like an impossible task, but I have realized this last year that I am capable of big things. And who's gonna stop me? I double dog dare you. ;-)

Well, I've got a long journey ahead, so I best be getting started. Thanks for letting me share, world. Goodnight.

A poem about pineapple.

So I was just going through my phone and found a little something I wrote on Brett's birthday while we were at Tucanos. For those of you who have never been, you are missing out! After reading this, I bet you can't guess what my favorite thing there is... ;-)

A poem about pineapple:

Warm yet sweet,
your smoky taste tantalizes as it tickles my tongue.
Electrons shoot through my brain
as your juicy explosion hits the roof of my mouth.
You are rightfully saved for last;
the perfect peak to a moment of pure pleasure.

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

This post was supposed to happen last week. I had big plans to spend New Years Eve (or maybe New Years Day) posting a nice reflective piece on the ups and downs of the this past year. Of course, I didn't get around to it. I was busy spending time with family and (mostly) relaxing and trying to enjoy my last couple days of freedom. No, seriously.

Although things didn't go according to plan as far as my blog writing, I am filling extremely full today. Full of thoughts, full of words, full of feelings. I figure if I don't post now, all of this pent up energy will sour and explode everywhere, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? Too stinky.

I'm not going to go all out and do a huge reflection and analysis on the last year of my life. However, I do want to mention just a few things that have stood out this past year. Let me begin by telling you that I'm not one for New Years Resolutions. The pessimist in me says they are just a horrible fad thought up by gyms, companies selling weight loss products, etc. So this year, instead of making an unrealistic, ridiculous resolution to make this year the one year I finally do something different, I am going to instead call out to the universe to help me carry on the same path I found in 2010. 

Last year while I was still working at a youth residential treatment center, I was able to participate with the kids in a weekly yoga practice. I didn't always join in, but every time I did, I loved it. You hear about all these celebrities swearing by things like yoga and pilates and you just laugh and roll your eyes at these new "trends". At least I do. That's why I thought it was kind of funny that somehow, when I actually saw what yoga was all about, I was hooked. Being someone with constant, massive anxiety, I had finally found something that spoke to me. But it wasn't about just learning to relax... No, it was much more than that. It was about finding the pathway back to my soul.

I can't really remember the exact time of year that the story I'm about to tell you took place. After all, I am forgetful like that. However, for the purposes of this post, we will pretend it was just after the new year began in 2010. (It just sounds better!) So here goes...

It was just a day or two into the new year when I was at work and decided to do yoga with the kids. The instructor had us think about what things we wanted to draw into our lives during the coming year. She had us write at least three things down a piece of paper. I imagine we did some sort of breathing/meditating/stretching/ritual/ceremony to solidify and call to the universe for support in this matter. Like I said before, my memory has lapsed, so forgive me for not remembering the details. Anyway. I absolutely loved this exercise. For some reason, it just stayed with me. That magical paper floated around my house for awhile before I found it much later and posted it on a bulletin board I have next to my bed. 

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

Three very simple, but very powerful words. (OK, technically it's four, but just go with me, people!) Those were the three things I called out to the universe to help me find in the upcoming year. And just like the yoga instructor said, these things magically came into my life, sometimes in the weirdest ways. I don't remember exactly what I was envisioning when I jotted those words down, although I do remember that I did so with great purpose and meaning. Despite my early onset Alzheimer's, I am going to tell you how all three of these things found their way into my life this past year.

Peace.

Peace is just such a foreign concept to me. My mind is a crazy thing. It is constantly running even at times when I wish it would just shut down and shut up. I am a worrier. I am always thinking about and worrying about something. Usually the future, sometimes the past. I am a do-er. I am constantly doing something. I cannot sit still for two minutes at a time. My husband will attest to the fact that if I feel like my day was unproductive (even if it wasn't), I am grouchy and anything but satisfied. I am an angry person. I am pessimist and I can find just about anything to get mad about. So when I called out to the universe for peace, I wasn't quite sure what I'd find. In this past year, my life and my personality haven't completely changed. I am still a crazy, worrying, do-ing, angry pessimist. However, I feel that life blessed me with plenty of moments this year when I felt peace. I felt soft, beautiful, stillness. I felt content. I felt whole. I felt purposeful. One of these moments was long lasting and occurred on a beautiful day/night in August. Brett and I had driven down to Vegas to spend a couple days playing in "our place" and we also attended his aunt's wedding. We had an incredible time together enjoying our old favorite hang-outs and trying some new ones too. On the drive home, we listened to Anberlin and I was kept company by an AMAZING lightning storm that lasted the entire stretch back. When we stopped in St. George for gas, I just absolutely had to make another stop: the Black Rock. This was the special place I found during my adventures in St. George, high on a hill where I could go to just think. I had some pretty profound moments of clarity there, and on that particular night I just could not resist a pit stop. We did not stay long, but I enjoyed a few precious moments  there. It was the perfect night. Warm. All was quiet except for the sound of the cars on the freeway below and the wind as it wrapped itself around me like a blanket. I looked at the lights in the city below and I was at home. It was transcendent and completely indescribably, but I will always treasure that particular moment of peace.

Acceptance.

I think when I resolved to bring a little more acceptance into my life, I was referring mostly to acceptance of self. You know how they say that your worst enemy is yourself? With me, that is definitely true. I am extremely hard on myself, and I am undoubtedly my own biggest critic. I'm a perfectionist, and when I don't live up to the expectations I surround myself with, I am disappointed, to say the very least. Although I can't honestly say that I have found a way to completely accept myself as-is, I have made significant progress. I still can't say to myself "I'm good enough" and fully believe it, but I think I'm getting closer to that point, which for me is HUGE. 

Self-discipline.

This was a really big thing for me last year. I am one of those people who likes things NOW. I am not good at delaying gratification. That is probably why it was so easy for me to get completely addicted to Dr. Pepper over the course of a few years and to eat so unhealthily that I gained enough weight that even a pig might have cringed. I tried working out before, I tried eating healthy, but I never really saw results. I blamed genetics and thought that I would just be fat and depressed about it for life. I told myself that I could not change, and that there was NO way I could live without my daily dose of Dr. Pepper. But last year that all changed. I was able to stay clean from Dr. Pepper (and all soda for that matter!) for over 8 months! I started eating healthy and working out and I lost almost 20 pounds! Instead of rationalizing my poor choices, I started taking control and using a little bit of self-discipline. The fact that I was successful at doing so blew my freaking mind. I did not think it was possible. That is why I am extremely grateful and also extremely proud of these big steps and accomplishments, and I hope to make them ongoing.

So as I look forward to the new year, I again give a big shout-out to the universe and ask that it bring me even more....

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

Amen.