Yes, this story is about pantyhose. (Which, ironically, is one of my least favorite words in the entire English language. Ha. Go figure.)
It all started a few weeks ago. For my Master's program, I am required to complete two internships. I have been looking forward to this experience since I decided that I wanted to do social work, and I have been particularly excited about the idea of working with birthmothers and the adoption process. Thus, you will understand that it was to my dismay when I received word that LDS Family Services was the only agency I would have to choose from with the hope of getting any exposure to adoption. To say I was disappointed at this realization is a HUGE understatement.
You see, in a lot of our classes, professors have made reference to the fact that all of us want to work with LDS Family Services and the reality is that most of us won't be able to. I was a bit annoyed by this generalizing statement and I resented my teacher for assuming that everyone idolizes LDS Family Services. To be quite honest, I don't want to be stuck working with LDS people all day every day. In fact, I want quite the opposite. So, at first I was miffed at all the assumptions going on, but I didn't care too much because I thought, "It's cool, if everyone wants the typical LDS job and are fighting over that, it will just make me all the more marketable for more interesting internships." Boy was I wrong. With my recent revelation about the non-availability of any other adoption internships, LDS Family Services moved from last to first place on my internship preference list. That is, until..............
.............I found out about the pantyhose. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, pantyhose. I thought those things were old news. I thought that they went out of style with my dead grandmother, but apparently (at least at LDS Family Services) you aren't considered a professional unless you have them. Rumors were flying across the room that LDS Family Services won't even consider you if you don't wear a skirt and pantyhose to the interview. I think the exact words that came out of my mouth were, "Are you f-ing kidding me?!" But sadly, they weren't.
I was pissed off! A skirt, I could maybe handle. Personally, I think dress pants are way more professional, but if they are going to be uptight about it, I could deal with the skirt thing for one day. But pantyhose?! Really, people?! I haven't been able to stop thinking about this all freaking week. (Seriously, when you get me worked up about something, there is no turning back!) I just can't get over the fact that refusing to hire an female intern, just because she doesn't wear pantyhose is bull shit. It's nothing less than sexists discrimination! Require all the men applying to wear pantyhose, and then I'll consider it!
I didn't think anything could get any worse (silly me for being ignorant!), but alas, it did. I found out that not only would I have to wear a skirt and pantyhose to the interview, but if I were chosen to intern for LDS Family Services, I would be required to wear that EVERY FREAKING DAY. Seriously. Talk was that their dress code mandates that you dress like brother and sister missionaries. If I wanted to dress like a freaking missionary, I would go on a freaking mission, people!
The rest of this week I have spent a great deal of time hosting a debate in my head (which is rather noisy and distracting, let me tell you). Do I find it worth it to give in to this sexist requirement because I'll be doing work I love? Or do I just say "screw it" and wear what I want to the interview not holding on to high hopes of getting hired, but also not giving up my self-respect in the process?
The whole thing is still up for debate, but the more I think about the pantyhose, the more my blood boils. Literally. I think I have popped a few blood vessels in my head because my face has been red hot all day. Ha.
I keep thinking to myself, things are SO much easier for men. For ANY interview, men know that to get taken seriously they better wear a suit and tie (or pretty dang close to it). But, for women, our wardrobe is wide open for interpretation. There is no "gold standard" like suit and tie, but just an overall understanding that you must look professional (this can be done through nice slacks and a fancy blouse, a dress suit, a pant suit, etc.). From the outside, you might say that it's nice that women have so many alternatives and that they aren't limited to one option. But, let me tell you, it's not. People in charge of hiring will have their own personal preferences for what a woman should wear to an interview, and will judge based on their own standards, which may not be the same as the interviewee.
Until now I didn't really see that this as a big problem. I haven't had trouble getting hired on anywhere, and I don't think I have ever worn a skirt to an interview. Up to this point, I thought that nice slacks really were the "gold standard" for professional dress. After all, we live in modern times, people! I thought we made the decision a long time ago that it's OK for women to wear pants! Well, boy, I guess I was wrong. It makes me gag that an agency is so oldschool and traditional/conservative/orthodox that they would have a sexist practice discriminating against women based on a fashion choice. Talk about super-freaking-ficial.
And I don't think I'm going to give in and do it! Why? In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, "because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zipidee pow!" I say STICK IT TO THE MAN. And I'm sure it was definitely a man's idea to oppress women through pantyhose.
It sure didn't help that today we had a lecture about sexism and all the ways women are discriminated against in the workplace, in education, etc. That has just got me going even more. I keep thinking about how mad it makes me when women contribute to the oppression of other women. These are the women who say, "Oh, we have all the rights we need. We can't complain. We really do just want to be mothers, anyway... " Or, "Why do you want a career? Everyone knows we should stay at home with the kids..." BLAH BLAH BLAH. These are the women who won't question or stand up for themselves. They conform to the ridiculous gender roles they are fed by society, and nothing pisses me off more! If we are divided as women, how can we even think to target and change sexist and discriminative practices such as mandating the wearing of pantyhose?! We can't!
Then tonight one of my fellow classmates (a second year, no less) tried to talk me into why it was GOOD to wear pantyhose, and when I told her that I never wore pantyhose EVER, she made the comment, "Well, dang you must be lucky and have beautiful skin. I love pantyhose 'cuz it's a great cover up..." SERIOUSLY? Why are we, as women, so set on "covering up"??!!! We get enough freaking crap in the media about how we need to be super skinny, change our hair and wear all this make up, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't need to hear that from a fellow woman! Seriously! If we don't fight this ridiculous male dominated society together, women everywhere will be left to suffer. Let's nip this shit in the bud, hell let's set it on FIRE! I don't want my future daughters submitted to this B.S.!
Well. There you have it. My raw, unadulterated vomit of emotions at the present moment. I hope you enjoyed the ride.
Peace.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
A poem about grad school.
There once was a grad student, Savannah.
She was definitely not from Alabama.
When her lit review was due,
she merely said, "poo poo"
and just sat around in her pajamas.
She was definitely not from Alabama.
When her lit review was due,
she merely said, "poo poo"
and just sat around in her pajamas.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
A Moment of Peace.
So, after being literally sick to my stomach after thinking, reading, and writing about the whole controversy brought up after President Packer's talk, a friend posted this link on Facebook:
http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction
It is a link to an article featuring a statement made by a spokesman of the Church. After reading it, I finally felt a sense of peace. I feel like this statement addresses what was not made explicit to all in President Packer's talk. What a perfect response.
http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction
It is a link to an article featuring a statement made by a spokesman of the Church. After reading it, I finally felt a sense of peace. I feel like this statement addresses what was not made explicit to all in President Packer's talk. What a perfect response.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Follow the Prophet.
Last Sunday as I sat in my bed listening to General Conference, I was a little put off by one particular talk. I felt somewhat bad for not agreeing with a major church leader, but even after conference was convened, I couldn't help but continue to think about the issue. If I was deeply bothered by a talk whose message was aimed at those "struggling with same sex attraction," (not being one of those people myself), I could only imagine what several people around the world listening to Boyd K. Packer's address were thinking.
Obviously, I was not the only one moved by this. I have heard a lot of debate about the issue in school, through facebook, on people's personal blogs, and in online news articles (which also feature readers' responses). After reading/listening to a lot of the debate, I am deeply saddened by the fact that a lot of people don't truly understand what the REAL issue is, here.
When I first listened to President Packer's words last Sunday, the message I heard was:
-Homosexuality is not just a sin, but it (and those who live the lifestyle) are EVIL
(Quote from President Packer's talk, while he was speaking about gay marriage: "To legalize that which is basically wrong or evil will not prevent the pain and penalties that will follow as surely as night follows day.")
While President Packer didn't explicitly say that "gay people are evil," he sure did NOT make clear that as LDS people, we should always remember to hate the sin, and love the sinner. I think adding this crucial point on the issue would have really disarmed a lot of the negative response that is coming out as a result of his talk. I think that contrary to what a lot of what people are saying (i.e. that people are looking to be offended and will always find offense), this message was delivered in a way that facilitated hurt and offended feelings, which might have been dispelled had the point been delivered in a more sensitive way.
Another message that I, personally got from President Packer's talk was:
-Those of you who are GLBTQ, you must come from the SATAN because God doesn't make you that way. Why would he do such a thing?!
(Here is a quote from the printed version of the talk with MAJOR edits in brackets (the church posted the edited version in print on its website)- "Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn [tendencies] toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! [Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father].”)
This line of his talk kept repeating in my head over and over... To me this sounds like pure, condescending condemnation. I obviously was not alone in my reaction to President Packer's talk. Here was a reader response to a (fruitless and silly) article the Deseret News printed:
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700072199/A-call-for-civility-following-Mormon-Apostle-Boyd-K-Packers-address.html?pg=2
"I am a temple-attending LDS member. I believe the problem was not in what was said, but in the "message" that was felt. Being a thoughtful and compassionate person, I have long pondered the challenge of homosexuality. It is clear that homosexuality is not something that people choose - and it is clear that it is a permanent condition for most. It also appears to be increasing in frequency. It seemed to me that over the past several years, the church was beginning to acknowledge these truths, and that was comforting because I am confident once we accept truth, we will see that the next step is prayerful seeking to learn what is the right way to address the challenge so that our beautiful, cherished sons and daughters of God who are homosexual can live lives of fulfillment and peace among us, and not be cast out, which is clearly contrary to the first and second great commandments. I believe that when we collectively, with our leaders, pray earnestly for revelation regarding how to view this telestial condition, and how to accept it as a telestial condition, the Lord will direct us and it will be lovingly resolved."
I copy this here, because I could not put my opinion more perfectly into words. Below is another reader response that I liked:
Because I come with a much more liberal view of the gay "issue" than do a lot of people in my church and community, I really enjoyed that this reader pointed out the importance of understanding the direction from which some of those opposed to President Packer's talk come from. Not everyone believes what we do about homosexuality. I think that in order to be true Christ-like Latter Day Saints, we MUST learn to accept all of God's children and love them for who they are and what they believe; I think it is extremely hypocritical of us to withhold our love and save it only for those who are exactly like us and believe and practice the same things we do. I believe that we need to develop enough love and respect to acknowledge and accept (I'm not saying we need to AGREE with) the other side of the story. After reading through the responses of those from both sides of the debate about this controversial talk, one thing I have been really frustrated by is the large amount of ignorance that is coming from what I'm sure are well-meaning members of the church. I think the key thing they lack is a true understanding of how the message from Boyd K. Packer could and DID come across to others with differing viewpoints.
The following quote is another reader response from that same article:
This quote really illustrates one of my biggest fears. I think that so many people in the LDS church are so narrow minded that they reject not just the concept of homosexuality, but homosexual individuals who are children of God. I know I have heard a large amount homophobic bull crap from people within the church in my lifetime. For our members to be more Christ-like, I believe that this negative rhetoric about homosexual people NEEDS TO STOP. I fear that talks such as President Packer's serve to justify some members of the church to openly discriminate, hate, and condemn gay people which I believe leads us in the opposite direction of one of the basic commandments given to us by the Savior himself:
John 13:34-35
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another"
I believe the commandment to love one another, as found in this scripture is perhaps that greatest and most commandment we have ever received. I pray that as a people we learn to truly live by it and grow to understand, appreciate, accept and love those with different sexual orientations and opinions. I hope that someday more members of the church will open up their minds and their hearts to at least SEE the other side of the story and not turn a blind eye to a reality that many others in our world live in.
P.S. For clarification purposes, in my sentence before the quote from John, I am NOT trying to say that President Packer is causing members to be hateful towards gay people. I am NOT saying that anywhere has HE or other church leaders professed or condoned hate or violence towards those who are homosexual. However, because we are a church of non-perfect people, unfortunately, this is a response that I have personally witnessed in the past, and I think that self-righteous Mormons everywhere will use this article to condone themselves in (if only subtle) hateful responses toward gay people.
Obviously, I was not the only one moved by this. I have heard a lot of debate about the issue in school, through facebook, on people's personal blogs, and in online news articles (which also feature readers' responses). After reading/listening to a lot of the debate, I am deeply saddened by the fact that a lot of people don't truly understand what the REAL issue is, here.
When I first listened to President Packer's words last Sunday, the message I heard was:
-Homosexuality is not just a sin, but it (and those who live the lifestyle) are EVIL
(Quote from President Packer's talk, while he was speaking about gay marriage: "To legalize that which is basically wrong or evil will not prevent the pain and penalties that will follow as surely as night follows day.")
While President Packer didn't explicitly say that "gay people are evil," he sure did NOT make clear that as LDS people, we should always remember to hate the sin, and love the sinner. I think adding this crucial point on the issue would have really disarmed a lot of the negative response that is coming out as a result of his talk. I think that contrary to what a lot of what people are saying (i.e. that people are looking to be offended and will always find offense), this message was delivered in a way that facilitated hurt and offended feelings, which might have been dispelled had the point been delivered in a more sensitive way.
Another message that I, personally got from President Packer's talk was:
-Those of you who are GLBTQ, you must come from the SATAN because God doesn't make you that way. Why would he do such a thing?!
(Here is a quote from the printed version of the talk with MAJOR edits in brackets (the church posted the edited version in print on its website)- "Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn [tendencies] toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! [Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father].”)
This line of his talk kept repeating in my head over and over... To me this sounds like pure, condescending condemnation. I obviously was not alone in my reaction to President Packer's talk. Here was a reader response to a (fruitless and silly) article the Deseret News printed:
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700072199/A-call-for-civility-following-Mormon-Apostle-Boyd-K-Packers-address.html?pg=2
"I am a temple-attending LDS member. I believe the problem was not in what was said, but in the "message" that was felt. Being a thoughtful and compassionate person, I have long pondered the challenge of homosexuality. It is clear that homosexuality is not something that people choose - and it is clear that it is a permanent condition for most. It also appears to be increasing in frequency. It seemed to me that over the past several years, the church was beginning to acknowledge these truths, and that was comforting because I am confident once we accept truth, we will see that the next step is prayerful seeking to learn what is the right way to address the challenge so that our beautiful, cherished sons and daughters of God who are homosexual can live lives of fulfillment and peace among us, and not be cast out, which is clearly contrary to the first and second great commandments. I believe that when we collectively, with our leaders, pray earnestly for revelation regarding how to view this telestial condition, and how to accept it as a telestial condition, the Lord will direct us and it will be lovingly resolved."
I copy this here, because I could not put my opinion more perfectly into words. Below is another reader response that I liked:
"I admire the DN [Deseret News] for urging civility. However, despite being a positive step, I don’t imagine this editorial will get us very far. Since civility requires understanding, let me point, without even stepping toward Prop. 8 territory, to a few things I’m guessing the LGBT community wants us Mormons to understand better.
1) Why Elder Packer’s talk provoked an outcry. Regardless of his 2010 intent, many people interpreted it in light of much institutional and individual history.
2) Words matter. “Struggle with same gender attraction” for LGBT ears is somewhat akin (I’m not saying equivalent) to what “hateful doctrine” is for Mormon ears.
3) Expressions of love and concern can easily seem patronizing.
4) Assuming the church is not still asking homosexual people to change to heterosexual, it is asking them to essentially become asexual. If we are comparing homosexuality to alcoholism, do we really understand the depth of this request?
5) Many rank-and-file Mormons have profound homophobia and feel our church condones those attitudes. Civility is our problem too.
I too hope for a more civil conversation with the LGBT community, but without understanding these viewpoints, we may not get it."
1) Why Elder Packer’s talk provoked an outcry. Regardless of his 2010 intent, many people interpreted it in light of much institutional and individual history.
2) Words matter. “Struggle with same gender attraction” for LGBT ears is somewhat akin (I’m not saying equivalent) to what “hateful doctrine” is for Mormon ears.
3) Expressions of love and concern can easily seem patronizing.
4) Assuming the church is not still asking homosexual people to change to heterosexual, it is asking them to essentially become asexual. If we are comparing homosexuality to alcoholism, do we really understand the depth of this request?
5) Many rank-and-file Mormons have profound homophobia and feel our church condones those attitudes. Civility is our problem too.
I too hope for a more civil conversation with the LGBT community, but without understanding these viewpoints, we may not get it."
Because I come with a much more liberal view of the gay "issue" than do a lot of people in my church and community, I really enjoyed that this reader pointed out the importance of understanding the direction from which some of those opposed to President Packer's talk come from. Not everyone believes what we do about homosexuality. I think that in order to be true Christ-like Latter Day Saints, we MUST learn to accept all of God's children and love them for who they are and what they believe; I think it is extremely hypocritical of us to withhold our love and save it only for those who are exactly like us and believe and practice the same things we do. I believe that we need to develop enough love and respect to acknowledge and accept (I'm not saying we need to AGREE with) the other side of the story. After reading through the responses of those from both sides of the debate about this controversial talk, one thing I have been really frustrated by is the large amount of ignorance that is coming from what I'm sure are well-meaning members of the church. I think the key thing they lack is a true understanding of how the message from Boyd K. Packer could and DID come across to others with differing viewpoints.
The following quote is another reader response from that same article:
"When you say their lifestyle is an abomination to God, you're not going to treat them as equals. You are going to treat them as someone with a problem. What do you think that does to someones self-esteem? As long as you claim that you know God disapproves of their lifestyle, you are going to have trouble treating them as equals. Can you really be surprised when you depict someones lifestyle as an abomination and they react in protest?"
This quote really illustrates one of my biggest fears. I think that so many people in the LDS church are so narrow minded that they reject not just the concept of homosexuality, but homosexual individuals who are children of God. I know I have heard a large amount homophobic bull crap from people within the church in my lifetime. For our members to be more Christ-like, I believe that this negative rhetoric about homosexual people NEEDS TO STOP. I fear that talks such as President Packer's serve to justify some members of the church to openly discriminate, hate, and condemn gay people which I believe leads us in the opposite direction of one of the basic commandments given to us by the Savior himself:
John 13:34-35
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another"
I believe the commandment to love one another, as found in this scripture is perhaps that greatest and most commandment we have ever received. I pray that as a people we learn to truly live by it and grow to understand, appreciate, accept and love those with different sexual orientations and opinions. I hope that someday more members of the church will open up their minds and their hearts to at least SEE the other side of the story and not turn a blind eye to a reality that many others in our world live in.
P.S. For clarification purposes, in my sentence before the quote from John, I am NOT trying to say that President Packer is causing members to be hateful towards gay people. I am NOT saying that anywhere has HE or other church leaders professed or condoned hate or violence towards those who are homosexual. However, because we are a church of non-perfect people, unfortunately, this is a response that I have personally witnessed in the past, and I think that self-righteous Mormons everywhere will use this article to condone themselves in (if only subtle) hateful responses toward gay people.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Perfection
I started graduate school last month which has been amazing. It has also been hell. Being in the program has already stretched me and challenged me in ways I can't even describe. I love that I get to spend my educational time studying topics that I am interested in, but I sure don't love that on Mondays I spend 9 hours in a dungeon-like classroom. I also don't love that I must wake up by 6:30 a.m. at least three days a week... There is nothing that drives me further towards insanity! But somehow, I am still alive, and when I take a step back, I know that this is going to be one of the those experiences that I will look back on and laugh about, and appreciate the person it has made me become.
It's amazing how much writing can do for a person. I haven't sat down and written like this in over a month, and I sure am feeling it. In a few classes we are discussing the importance of self-awareness and knowing what coping mechanisms you use. I used to write all the time as a teenager, when I was going through some of the most intense and awful experiences of my life. Somehow, when I got to college, I forgot how much I needed that. I think I just got too busy with the writing required for other classes, and I was constantly working (I'm not one of the rich kids who gets everything handed to them on a platter), so writing for fun, for NEED just got placed on the back burner. I am so glad that I rediscovered this "coping skill" of mine, and even though I haven't had the time to write in over a month, I know that it is one thing I will be doing just as often as I can.
I must keep this post short and mostly un-insightful for tonight; We are going out of town for the weekend and I have a to-do list a mile long that needs to be consulted before the morning comes...(Go figure!) But I really wanted to share a link to a blog post I heard about through a friend via Facebook. I took the time to read it the other night, and I'm really glad I did. The timing of the post was quite ironic, as I have been arduously confronting my own issues with perfection over the last few months. But that is a story for another night. Be sure to check out the link!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Goodbye to the Gilmore Girls... again.
I have this horribly hard time saying goodbye to people. It's just not something I like to do. I grew up with Lorelai and Rory. I spent seven years of my life growing close to them, so when I watched the debut of the final episode of Gilmore Girls, I cried. Hard. And I haven't been able to fully let go. I proudly own all seven seasons on DVD and I watch them over and over to keep my love for these wonderful women alive. Weird? Maybe a little. But most people just don't understand a love like ours. It transcends any silly social norms. I have seen every episode like a thousand times (I've watched all seven seasons twice through just this summer!) but I always get stuck on the very last episode... I skip it every time and just start watching the seasons over again because I absolutely hate endings. Especially sad endings, which this one most definitely was. But today, I overcame my dread and finally finished that last episode again. I cried just as hard as I did the first time and I'm not ashamed to say it. So here is a tribute to a show whose final ending was worth crying over... These are some of my favorite quotes from the show that made me laugh and cry.
"This is the last time I buy anything just because it's furry!"
"I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine, I'd talk to my VCR."
"I'm smiling because you're crazy and that's what you do to crazy people to keep them calm."
"Mmm. Tasty. And flame retardant!"
"Are the lids tight on the paint remover, because you're sounding a little loopy to me."
"So, Beth, huh? I hate the name Beth. It's so...Beth."
"You're not gonna kill the bag boy." "Why not?" "Cuz it's double coupon day. You'll bring down the town."
"Oh, wow. It's expensive to slowly rot your insides, isn't it?"
"Stop saying 'mother' like that." "Like what?" "Like there's supposed to be another word after it."
"Wait, he kissed you again?! What, is he just out of prison or something??"
"There's no use for a lava lamp unless you're on drugs!"
"You know, it's like dogs and high pitched noises. I think it's only something you can smell."
"You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you!?"
"Our before Mary is about to become an after. Who else in town is knocked up?"
"I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on!"
"I must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles."
"Look in somebody's sock drawer. Rich people have hilarious sock drawers."
"What are you doing?" "I'm admiring your pickles."
"Who uses the word 'hobo' anymore?"
"No, no. Not malls. I hate malls. They underpay employees and over price merchandise. They contribute to urban sprawl. They encourage materialism and the parking's a horror. You drive in, ya pay a buck, and even if you're only there for 5 minutes..."
"Look, I've made my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a non-violent manner. And usually, that is fine, but today, I'm sorry lady. I have Ennui."
"I can't hang out or kick back. I need to find a retarded kid and teach him how to play softball!"
"Did you hear? I used existentialism in a sentence. I've always wanted to do that!"
"I have no patience for jam hands!"
"Gosh! You're like a pop-up book from hell!"
"That was an evil 'yes'." "Not an evil 'yes', it's a 'yes I'm pretty, but hello I'm smart!' kind of a 'yes'."
"What's she honking for? She hates honking. She calls it a mechanical bodily function."
"Oh look, they have cucumber slices in the water!" "Oh wow. Now if they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great!"
"You're a vicious trollop. You're a vicious trollop!"
"People don't realize it, but it takes years of training to be able to eat like we do."
"Hey, I know you! You're that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour even though that weird, brown corduroy jacket wearing freak was already it." "That's right! Good memory!"
"Well FYI, Van Halen hair, I"m very busy."
"For every good woman, there's a dirty little wolf just ready to lead her astray. You can't help it. He's got the eyes, the chin, chest hair you could carpet your dining room with, I mean, what's a woman to do?? We're not made of steel for god-sakes!"
"I hope so, cuz I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore."
"Now, after all that has happened, after all the chaos and havoc you have wreaked, you're seriously standing there wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a butt with hands that are flipping me off, telling me you want to come back?!"
"I just want you to remember three things while you're sitting up there. I love you. You're the greatest kid in the world, and...you're in a skirt. Keep your knees closed."
"Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole."
"Well. Here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon."
"I created you. It's biologically predetermined that I watch you."
"How do they like Orlando?" "Well it's all Mickey Mouse this, and Micky Mouse that, you know, they want to die!"
"Wait, what's that?! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's super Jackson and his atomic pea tendrils!"
"I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work as fascinating as the rest of the world."
(After singing the first line in A Mighty Fortress is our God) "Dude. What's a bulwark?" "What?" "It says, 'a bulwark never failing'." "I think it's a wall?" "Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay." "I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something." Whatever man! I'm not saying bulwark!"
"Make your point, bagel boy!"
"All those e-mails? I'm sorry, but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess!"
"You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs!"
"Oh look. It's Bilbo bologna-puss just in from the shire!"
"We've already tried it over there." "It's no problem." "No problem for you, but this is giving me cuticle damage! Do you know who long cuticle damage takes to heal?!"
"I'm not standing funny. This is how you stand in these pants."
"I mean, they were extremely common until recently. Historically, recently. Not recently, like 'metrosexual is a word now' recently, but recently." "Are we still talking about anvils?" "Yes! Where did all the anvils go?" "You're talking about those big, heavy, metal things?" "...That blacksmith hammered horse shoes and stuff on. Everyone had them. They were featured prominently in every movie western. So where did they all go?" "I don't know that they were that common." "Wiley Coyote used them. That's how common they were." "Who?" "The cartoon. He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head or shoot it at him out of a giant sling shot, or fire it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down and made an anvil shaped impression on Wiley Coyote's head." "This is a cartoon?!" "Oh, no, this just happened to me the other day. I was just walking down the street at this giant anvil, yes mother, it's a cartoon." "I know she sounds crazy, but it's a very common cartoon." "But that doesn't prove that anvils were so common." "It does. It proves that anvils were so ubiquitous at one point, was that the word? ubiquitous?" "Depends on where you're going." "...That they knew that children would know what they were and delight in them. That's how common they were! Children watching cartoons!" "That was the word." "I've forgotten your point..." "Where are all the anvils? I mean is there some sort of secret anvil storage facility the government is keeping from us?" "Or they fell into disuse with the advent of other technologies and so they melted them down and they're gone." "But they're not supposed to melt! They were made to withstand the red, hot hammer of the town blacksmith." "This is easily the most pointless conversation we've ever had."
"Her car looks just like Barbie's!"
"Kirk, I just had a spat with my sour ball distributor and I'm not in the mood."
"I find your hair very believable!"
"I don't call that a may pole, I call that a maybe NOT pole!"
"Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?" "For what?" "Pizza." "I just got back from Italy." "So?" "So, they'd shoot you in Italy for that." "Uh, but this is America. Where we unapologetically bastardize other country's cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy." "Oh, I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments."
"See, he called me hot plates. He SO likes me!"
"No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina, OK?"
"I'm late for class and you put a printing press on my book bag?!" "Well sorry! It's from my dead boyfriend OK? I apologize if my grief is inconveniencing you!"
"Wow. Sleeping with you is getting me nothing."
"But Mrs. Kim says fries are the devil's starchy fingers..."
"Ramadan is about a lot more than just not eating. It calls for a total abstinence from food particles passing through a mouth or nose. Your Bazooka's passing through my nose!"
"Children should shoot us for what we make them do."
"Special? Like stop eating the paste, special?!"
"Wheat chex is sort of the pumpernickel bread of the cereal world."
"You're feeling particularly sassy today." "I know! It must be my new glasses prescription!"
"How does she do that? Compartmentalize like that? It's weird. She's the serial killer who goes to work and talks about a funny Seinfeld he saw and then goes home and cooks himself a man flesh sandwich."
"Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town, if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done, and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV, we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes."
"Cropogs? Did someone say cropogs?"
"Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy. It's something with a name that makes us giggle."
"Oh great. Now I'm not even the town whore!"
"What are the odds of me finding a cake topper with exactly your butt?!"
"Who are you fooling? You're wearing tube socks."
"That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zipidee pow!"
"Yeah, man. You're way deep in my bogus bag, and it's zip locked shut."
"You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things." "Like what?" "Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale."
"Yeah, that's me. I'm fast. I'm the perfect storm of caffeine and genetics!"
"You are such a pity laugher."
"I guess the combination of salt water and sea weed and discount Mexican condoms and terrible, terrible sex leads to a baby." "A baby...." "A baby. Sex sucks so bad. Sex sucks worse than I thought." "You only did it one time! And wow, a baby!" "That's what you get folks, for making woopie!"
"I don't think we're having a communal massive heart attack."
"Yes, but it looks ridiculous. Like glorified ping pong. If I wanted to play ping pong I would... Well, if I wanted to play ping pong, I would kill myself!"
"Let's say your kid falls out of a tree and like majorly gashes his head. Do you run to him right away or just let him kinda shake it off? I mean, I don't want to be a wussy dad."
"I'm gonna go. Logan and I have this romantic afternoon planned." "Oh, really?" "We're spackling." "Oh, well, uh, spackle well, or whatever one says to encourage a successful spackle." "Have a good spackle?" "Spakle on." "Break a spackle?" "Knock on spackle, things work out."
"This is the last time I buy anything just because it's furry!"
"I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine, I'd talk to my VCR."
"I'm smiling because you're crazy and that's what you do to crazy people to keep them calm."
"Mmm. Tasty. And flame retardant!"
"Are the lids tight on the paint remover, because you're sounding a little loopy to me."
"So, Beth, huh? I hate the name Beth. It's so...Beth."
"You're not gonna kill the bag boy." "Why not?" "Cuz it's double coupon day. You'll bring down the town."
"Oh, wow. It's expensive to slowly rot your insides, isn't it?"
"Stop saying 'mother' like that." "Like what?" "Like there's supposed to be another word after it."
"Wait, he kissed you again?! What, is he just out of prison or something??"
"There's no use for a lava lamp unless you're on drugs!"
"You know, it's like dogs and high pitched noises. I think it's only something you can smell."
"You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you!?"
"Our before Mary is about to become an after. Who else in town is knocked up?"
"I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on!"
"I must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles."
"Look in somebody's sock drawer. Rich people have hilarious sock drawers."
"What are you doing?" "I'm admiring your pickles."
"Who uses the word 'hobo' anymore?"
"No, no. Not malls. I hate malls. They underpay employees and over price merchandise. They contribute to urban sprawl. They encourage materialism and the parking's a horror. You drive in, ya pay a buck, and even if you're only there for 5 minutes..."
"Look, I've made my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a non-violent manner. And usually, that is fine, but today, I'm sorry lady. I have Ennui."
"I can't hang out or kick back. I need to find a retarded kid and teach him how to play softball!"
"Did you hear? I used existentialism in a sentence. I've always wanted to do that!"
"I have no patience for jam hands!"
"Gosh! You're like a pop-up book from hell!"
"That was an evil 'yes'." "Not an evil 'yes', it's a 'yes I'm pretty, but hello I'm smart!' kind of a 'yes'."
"What's she honking for? She hates honking. She calls it a mechanical bodily function."
"Oh look, they have cucumber slices in the water!" "Oh wow. Now if they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great!"
"You're a vicious trollop. You're a vicious trollop!"
"People don't realize it, but it takes years of training to be able to eat like we do."
"Hey, I know you! You're that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour even though that weird, brown corduroy jacket wearing freak was already it." "That's right! Good memory!"
"Well FYI, Van Halen hair, I"m very busy."
"For every good woman, there's a dirty little wolf just ready to lead her astray. You can't help it. He's got the eyes, the chin, chest hair you could carpet your dining room with, I mean, what's a woman to do?? We're not made of steel for god-sakes!"
"I hope so, cuz I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore."
"Now, after all that has happened, after all the chaos and havoc you have wreaked, you're seriously standing there wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a butt with hands that are flipping me off, telling me you want to come back?!"
"I just want you to remember three things while you're sitting up there. I love you. You're the greatest kid in the world, and...you're in a skirt. Keep your knees closed."
"Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole."
"Well. Here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon."
"I created you. It's biologically predetermined that I watch you."
"How do they like Orlando?" "Well it's all Mickey Mouse this, and Micky Mouse that, you know, they want to die!"
"Wait, what's that?! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's super Jackson and his atomic pea tendrils!"
"I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work as fascinating as the rest of the world."
(After singing the first line in A Mighty Fortress is our God) "Dude. What's a bulwark?" "What?" "It says, 'a bulwark never failing'." "I think it's a wall?" "Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay." "I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something." Whatever man! I'm not saying bulwark!"
"Make your point, bagel boy!"
"All those e-mails? I'm sorry, but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess!"
"You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs!"
"Oh look. It's Bilbo bologna-puss just in from the shire!"
"We've already tried it over there." "It's no problem." "No problem for you, but this is giving me cuticle damage! Do you know who long cuticle damage takes to heal?!"
"I'm not standing funny. This is how you stand in these pants."
"I mean, they were extremely common until recently. Historically, recently. Not recently, like 'metrosexual is a word now' recently, but recently." "Are we still talking about anvils?" "Yes! Where did all the anvils go?" "You're talking about those big, heavy, metal things?" "...That blacksmith hammered horse shoes and stuff on. Everyone had them. They were featured prominently in every movie western. So where did they all go?" "I don't know that they were that common." "Wiley Coyote used them. That's how common they were." "Who?" "The cartoon. He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head or shoot it at him out of a giant sling shot, or fire it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down and made an anvil shaped impression on Wiley Coyote's head." "This is a cartoon?!" "Oh, no, this just happened to me the other day. I was just walking down the street at this giant anvil, yes mother, it's a cartoon." "I know she sounds crazy, but it's a very common cartoon." "But that doesn't prove that anvils were so common." "It does. It proves that anvils were so ubiquitous at one point, was that the word? ubiquitous?" "Depends on where you're going." "...That they knew that children would know what they were and delight in them. That's how common they were! Children watching cartoons!" "That was the word." "I've forgotten your point..." "Where are all the anvils? I mean is there some sort of secret anvil storage facility the government is keeping from us?" "Or they fell into disuse with the advent of other technologies and so they melted them down and they're gone." "But they're not supposed to melt! They were made to withstand the red, hot hammer of the town blacksmith." "This is easily the most pointless conversation we've ever had."
"Her car looks just like Barbie's!"
"Kirk, I just had a spat with my sour ball distributor and I'm not in the mood."
"I find your hair very believable!"
"I don't call that a may pole, I call that a maybe NOT pole!"
"Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?" "For what?" "Pizza." "I just got back from Italy." "So?" "So, they'd shoot you in Italy for that." "Uh, but this is America. Where we unapologetically bastardize other country's cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy." "Oh, I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments."
"See, he called me hot plates. He SO likes me!"
"No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina, OK?"
"I'm late for class and you put a printing press on my book bag?!" "Well sorry! It's from my dead boyfriend OK? I apologize if my grief is inconveniencing you!"
"Wow. Sleeping with you is getting me nothing."
"But Mrs. Kim says fries are the devil's starchy fingers..."
"Ramadan is about a lot more than just not eating. It calls for a total abstinence from food particles passing through a mouth or nose. Your Bazooka's passing through my nose!"
"Children should shoot us for what we make them do."
"Special? Like stop eating the paste, special?!"
"Wheat chex is sort of the pumpernickel bread of the cereal world."
"You're feeling particularly sassy today." "I know! It must be my new glasses prescription!"
"How does she do that? Compartmentalize like that? It's weird. She's the serial killer who goes to work and talks about a funny Seinfeld he saw and then goes home and cooks himself a man flesh sandwich."
"Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town, if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done, and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV, we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes."
"Cropogs? Did someone say cropogs?"
"Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy. It's something with a name that makes us giggle."
"Oh great. Now I'm not even the town whore!"
"What are the odds of me finding a cake topper with exactly your butt?!"
"Who are you fooling? You're wearing tube socks."
"That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zipidee pow!"
"Yeah, man. You're way deep in my bogus bag, and it's zip locked shut."
"You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things." "Like what?" "Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale."
"Yeah, that's me. I'm fast. I'm the perfect storm of caffeine and genetics!"
"You are such a pity laugher."
"I guess the combination of salt water and sea weed and discount Mexican condoms and terrible, terrible sex leads to a baby." "A baby...." "A baby. Sex sucks so bad. Sex sucks worse than I thought." "You only did it one time! And wow, a baby!" "That's what you get folks, for making woopie!"
"I don't think we're having a communal massive heart attack."
"Yes, but it looks ridiculous. Like glorified ping pong. If I wanted to play ping pong I would... Well, if I wanted to play ping pong, I would kill myself!"
"Let's say your kid falls out of a tree and like majorly gashes his head. Do you run to him right away or just let him kinda shake it off? I mean, I don't want to be a wussy dad."
"I'm gonna go. Logan and I have this romantic afternoon planned." "Oh, really?" "We're spackling." "Oh, well, uh, spackle well, or whatever one says to encourage a successful spackle." "Have a good spackle?" "Spakle on." "Break a spackle?" "Knock on spackle, things work out."
Monday, August 16, 2010
You dirty little fun haver! (Myspace re-post 6 of 6)
So here it is... My final myspace re-post. This one should really hit home just how big of a nerd I am, and how crazy I used to be. It gave me a big laugh at least. Happy reading.
March 11, 2006
zipidee do da zippiddee a!! haha just kidding but for real! i just felt the urge to write a little memo of my day. first i woke up. then i showered. then i picked up my laundry, threw it around my room and decided to clothe myself. when driving to work, i noticed snow on the not so far off moutains. i squeeled. then i called my roomate lettie and squeeled some more. stuff like this just isn't supposed to be around my home sweet st. george. then i said to myself, savannah its ok man. you'll do fine in life. so i went to class. eric is a very funny teacher and we had some good laughs, but then we saw the snow, and the laughter turned to tears. (at least for me). sloshing outside after the bell rang (oh wait, its college there are no bells...) i called my dad and cursed him for bringing the snow. blah blah blah. things like this just arent' supposed to happen here! anyway then the rest of my day was super sweet awesome wow, and i had a blast in mesquite with my dad and g'pa eating yummmy yummmy crab legs, then the movie i saw with my super sweet roomies was dig- tastic! now im sitting here wondering why im not packing my bags to go to france... i mean home. shit. haha peace out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)