when it is dark enough, you can see stars.

If you know me, you know how much I LOVE Chinese food and fortune cookies. I swear those things are always spot on.

So when I got this particular one last month while enjoying some China Isle with my family, it really stuck with me.

The last few months have been pretty difficult, to say the least. Beginning in November, we hit a horrible string of bad luck, and I felt like everything in our lives was falling apart.

To begin with, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I stayed in denial for quite awhile, but have really hated coming to terms with it and dealing with so many restrictions! There's nothing that makes me want something more than someone telling me I can't have it. Curse my oppositional-defiant personality!

Brett's car (our most reliable vehicle) broke down and was going to cost $3000 to fix. This happened just before Christmas, when we were wanting to drive out of town to spend the holiday with family.

I realized that in order to keep our insurance benefits while on my maternity leave, it would be better to pre-pay premiums (so we could get the pre-tax benefit), which made my last four paychecks half or less than what they usually are. We'd already been cutting into our savings, and have been stressing about how we are going to pay our bills while I'm on my UN-paid leave, so that lack of paycheck has added a whole new level of stress.

Our dryer completely stopped working and we had to replace it. Brett and his friend hooked up the new one (an electric one), and in the meantime removed a gas pipe/valve that we had spent almost $100 to have a professional install when we first bought the house. I had a mental breakdown thinking that our house was going to blow up from a gas leak. (Needless to say, Miles was really worried about his mama that day...)

A snow-storm postponed our trip up north and we had to push things back a week. This wasn't the end of the world, but it was a big bummer at the time, and I worried there would still be snow the following week when we would have to make the trip, regardless.

We discovered that something under our kitchen sink had been leaking (for WHO knows how long), and had to pay almost $100 bucks to have someone from our Home Warranty come check it out... Turns out it was a simple nut in the faucet itself that we could have tightened by ourselves in less than five minutes.

Miles got sick and spent a whole night throwing up while we were up visiting family. It seems like the majority of times we've gone up to visit, he ends up barfing everywhere and feeling miserable. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel so helpless when you can't make your baby feel better.

Our washing machine broke. It would get to the spin and rinse cycle and the water wouldn't drain. We spent hours googling YouTube videos and trying to figure out a way to fix it, only to realize that the part we bought to do so wasn't the same as the one on the tutorials...

And on top of all that, there are leaks and issues in our sprinkler system which we will need to fix once spring happens (which here is any day now, really), and I found out that none of it will be covered under our Home Warranty or anything, so we're completely on our own...

So now that I've shared all the poop that's been dumped on us, I figure I better focus on the point of my post... That beautiful fortune.

You see, while I'm normally a strong pessimist, this fortune served as a reminder for me to look at the silver lining.

There were days and weeks on end in these last months, when all I could see was the negative. My mind was so focused on "what else could possibly go wrong?!" When life gets hard, I quickly jump to that, and forget to think about what is going right.

Really, despite all of the shit that we've been served lately, there has also been a lot of silver lining.

Even though it has sucked having gestational diabetes, I've been able to stay away from needing insulin (and if you know how much I hate needles, you know how important that is to me). While I have needed to take a very small dose of an oral medication, my doctor has still been very supportive of not requiring anything that would change my birthplan. I can continue to plan for a natural, unmedicated, un-hooked-up-to-everything birth. I have absolutely found my HypnoBabies to be the best thing in the world, and I feel like it has also helped keep my blood sugars in normal ranges and has helped me focus on bringing more positives into my life, both pregnancy and birthing related, and otherwise.

Although the timing of Brett's car breaking down really sucked, it was also sort of perfect. My parents let us borrow one of their cars to get us by until we figured something out, and they just happened to be coming down the weekend before Christmas, so they dropped it off then. We were able to have a car for the holidays and some post-holiday family events that we needed to make it to.

Christmas also left us feeling really blessed. The gifts we were given were things that we could really use, and even though we didn't have a lot to spend on Miles, he still loved what he got and was spoiled by his grandparents, uncles, and aunts! I also wasn't completely sick-as-a-dog like I was last year, and Miles actually slept all through the night on Christmas Eve . That was the biggest Christmas miracle of all!

I made it past February 4 at work, which was technically my one-year mark that I needed to meet in order to be eligible for FMLA maternity leave. Because of my gestational diabetes, I was worried about baby coming so early I wouldn't make it to this day and qualify for my leave. Now I'm just dying to get baby out! 

Even though it sucks that Brett and his friend accidentally removed the expensive gas pipe/valve, it was a miracle that Brett's friend had a working dryer to let us borrow so that we didn't have to pay for a brand new one (and worry about how to transport it and hook it up and everything all by ourselves!).

In order to fix the washer, we had to ask our neighbors for help, and although I HATE having to ask for anything from people, it was a good thing to be forced out of my comfort zone. It was a great opportunity to get to know one of our neighbors a lot better, and even though the part we bought didn't look exactly the same, it was just what we needed. It felt good to know that even though we are clueless as new homeowners (I mean, see the sink example above...) we were able to seek out and find a solution for a problem on our own.

It turns out, that postponing our trip up north ended up setting us up for perfect timing. We had stressed about buying a new car before the baby is born and we were not having any luck finding anything down in St. George. That's the one thing that sucks about being down here... limited options for big things like that. We planned to check things out during our last-hoorah up north, but weren't completely confident we could find something and make it happen in one day. Turns out that we were able to, after all!

I was very excited about one car in particular that just felt right (almost too good to be true), and the minute I got in it to do a test drive, I knew it was perfect! After I took my dad for a drive and he gave his approval, we were able to get the paperwork and everything done for a loan, and we now own my dream car which did not completely break the bank! Hooray! It was also nice because we were able to stock up on Dream Dinners, diapers and other needed things for the baby on the trip while also enjoying some precious time with the family.

Miles and his buddy, Jax, checking out our new car.

So there you have it. Truly, in order to see the stars (a beautiful, awe-inspiring, amazing thing about nature), it does have to be dark enough. In order to truly appreciate the amazing, beautiful, wonderful things in our lives, we do have to experience struggles.

Curse life for always being right on me like that and serving me up some powerful reminders in the form of fortune cookies.

And for making me crave Chinese food when I'm too poor (and diabetes-ed) to make it happen!

A story a day keeps the doctor away.

Hi. Remember me? The crazy lady who hasn't had two seconds to herself to write a blog post? I know you have all been dying to hear from me and have been in mourning for my lack of internet presence. Well, grieve no longer!

So, normally I'm not a huge fan of those things on facebook where someone "tags" you and you have to write a random number of unique things about yourself, or create a made up hooker name based on your phone number, etc. Y'all know what I'm talking about.

Ok, who am I kidding, I love those kind of things. So when I just saw one done by one of my high school English teachers, I immediately knew it was blog worthy. So here's how it works:

"List 10 books that have stayed with you in some way. Don't take more than a few minutes, and don't think too hard--they don't have to be 'right' or 'great works' or in any particular order, just the ones that have touched you."

Here's my list:

-Peppermints in the Parlor, by Barbara Brooks Wallace

So this one is entirely random and weird, and has a little bit of a story to it... As a kid, we LOVED going to the library. We would check out so many books they couldn't fit into our freaking bags. One day I stumbled across this book, thinking it looked somewhat interesting. It turned out to be kinda creepy, weird, and somewhat dark (from what I remember). It was totally NOT what I was expecting, which is why I think it was so memorable for me. (It was still awesome, by the way.) I also took it with me on a fishing trip I took with my dad and my grandpa. I distinctly remember reading it in the back of the truck during the drive to the lake, and wanting to bring it with me on the boat, but being nervous to because, what if the boat sank, then the book would have water damage and the library would freak out. Yes, that is the sort of thing I thought about as a child. You should know by now, I'm a little bit of an odd duck.

-A String in the Harp, by Nancy Bond

This was another random library book pick. It's interesting, because I'm not huge into fantasy books, but this somewhat delves into that genre. I loved it at the time I first read it, and it always sort of stuck with me. When I took a Children's Lit class in college, I remembered it and decided to read it again. It was just as good as the first time. In fact, I really need to own it. Guess what is going on my Barnes and Noble wishlist?

-Star Wars: Jedi Apprentice Series

Ok, so now that I just told you I don't like fantasy books, I throw in Star Wars. It's different, though. You see, to me Star Wars in a lot of ways is much more like real-life than most fantasy books/movies out there. I went through this HUGE Star Wars phase where I really thought I was a Jedi and almost was willing to trade in my church membership in favor of The Force. It was strong with me, I can't lie.

-The Client, by John Grisham 

I first received my exposure to this book via the movie. My parents were watching it downstairs one night and I happened to sort of "sneak in" (it was probably a little mature for my age at the time). I was hooked because, well Brad Renfro was hot, and I could totally relate to the bad ass rebel attitude of his character. When my mom told me the movie was based on a book, of course I had to read it. I then went on to read every single John Grisham book that existed, and for many years wanted to be a lawyer. Some days I still do. Too bad I still have like 4 new John Grisham books still to read. Can I still call myself a die hard fan when I'm that far behind??

-A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey

I read this one during graduate school. I bawled at the end. Seriously. Sobbed. The whole thing was just raw. I love books that can move you like that.

-Get Me Out Of Here, by Rachel Reiland

So I can never remember which is which. Is an autobiography when you write a book about yourself? Or is that a biography? I promise, I do have a Masters Degree. Wait, do you write it as Masters Degree, or Master's Degree? That's another thing I can never remember. Or how to spell the flipping word separate. I always want to write seperate (which is obviously wrong, but it just feels right)... Wow. I really digressed, there... Anywho! This book is about a lady and her experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. I read it at a time when I had self-diagnosed myself and thought I was crazy. Turns out I'm not as crazy as I thought (or so says my therapist). I seriously couldn't put this book down though. I finished it in the middle of the night in a hotel room in Nephi where Brett and I got snowed in driving down to Milford to celebrate Christmas. I probably bawled a lot while reading this book, too. Apparently a lot of books make me cry.

-Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry

I think I read this book in the third grade. It may have been fourth. Either way, I have the skinny red version that I ordered from a book order that year. I remember seeing the cover and hating the way it looked and not wanting to read it. Then my teacher read it to us as a class and I was hooked. I always thought Annemarie was so brave and wanted to be like her.

-Crank, by Ellen Hopkins

Ok, so really any and ALL of Ellen Hopkins books have moved me. They are just so raw and intense. I'm almost glad they didn't come out while I was in the midst of all my teen angst, because I just don't know if I could have handled them emotionally at the time... Haha. I'm definitely hooked now, though.

-Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born, by Jaime Lee Curtis

There are not a lot of adoption books out there. Okay, so maybe that statement is outdated. But about 9 years ago, that was mostly true (as far as I was concerned). When I found this book, it really touched me and will always have a special place in my heart because it makes me think of my Jace.

-Nancy Drew: The Spider Sapphire Mystery

My dad has always been a yard sale junkie. One Saturday when I was a kid, he came home with boxes full of Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys books. This was the first one I read, and I was hooked! I ended up reading all 50-ish (?) of the original books and then digging through the library to find some of the newer ones including the "Nancy Drew Notebooks" (which were not nearly as good, might I add). I always loved getting lost in Nancy's latest adventure.

Well, there you have it folks. Some of my favorite books of all time. Now that I've hashed that all out, I've thought of a billion other books I could have included in this list. But I stayed true to the instructions and only did the first ones that popped into my head. What books have moved you?

anxiety is...

...waking up at 3:30 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep.
...having too much on your plate without a big enough fork.
...the constant gnawing in your gut that sends your whole stomach churning with just a thought or two.
...termites in your soul.
...a cup that's overflowing, but not in the good "Jesus" sort of way.
...too many options and not enough decisions.
...all the lights on and everybody's home (including grandma, great aunt Charlotte, your neighbor's five screaming children, and your mother-in-law's brother Sal).
...a washing machine stuck on the spin cycle.
...ALWAYS thinking about the worst case scenario.
...an elephant sitting on your chest and people telling you "not to think about it and it will go away."
...feeling like a crazy person and wondering what other people would think if they could read your mind.
...stimulants mixed with steroids going on a "bad trip."
...poorly buttered toast.
...too much work and no play.
...always coloring inside the lines.
...an internal volcano full of molten lava.
...a permanent problem to temporary solutions.

Summer Bucket List Part IIII (Because I hate the real roman numeral for 4)

I think it has become a part of my Summer Bucket List tradition to put together my "to-dos" when the summer is already half way over.

And yet, I don't feel like my summer is complete unless I complete this crazy task. It's almost like a contract to myself that I'll get off my lazy ass and enjoy what has always been my favorite time of the year.

So, drumroll please...

This summer I plan to:

-Ingest a ridiculous amount of snow cones (especially now that we've identified the Snow Shack closest to our house)

-Go camping

-Take Miles swimming at the city pool(s) until he starts actually looking like a fish

-Hike to a waterfall

-Move into our new home (fingers crossed that this one goes as smoothly as possible!)

-Do at least a little bit of summer reading

-Campfire and s'mores

-Spend more time up at the cabin

-Start a workout routine with Brett

-Make as many trips to Zion (and the other National Parks) as the million degree weather down here will permit

-Finish organizing the photos on my computer (ok, so maybe this one is more like wishful thinking!)

-Roast our butts off in the Vegas heat at an outdoor July wedding

-Pre-order our copy of The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh on DVD

-Take a bubble bath all by myself and catch up on some reading

-Give Miles a haircut (if I can convince myself to part with his adorable curls!)

-Come up with a school plan for Brett

-Have a game night

-Birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory (and maybe even Tucanos--I'm getting full just thinking about it...)

-Housewarming party!

-Teach Miles a legitimate word

-Try not to die of heatstroke

The End.

i'm just so sick.

sick of working way too much overtime.
sick of not spending quality time with Miles.
sick of not having alone time with Brett.
sick of these disgusting cockroaches that are still invading my house even after we paid a crap ton of money and moved all of our furniture for them to spray.
sick of my car overheating and having to crank the hot air while roasting to death in 90+ degree weather on my drive home.
sick of having car problems at the worst possible times.
sick of our property managment company not fixing problems in our rental house for MONTHS.
sick of everything in our house breaking down.
sick of wasting money on food that goes bad.
sick of trying to find an internet provider that doesn't raise their rates to a ridiculous amount after their short promotions.
sick of having to spend hours on the phone with a health insurance company to get back the $1600 they were supposed to return to us over a year ago.
sick of being fat and out of shape.
sick of never wanting to go to the gym anymore, just after I signed a new one year contract.
sick of not being able to just lay down and veg to t.v. after a long day at work.
sick of spending an hour of my day commuting.
sick of not knowing what I believe about my religion anymore.
sick of people talking smack about my sister.
sick of staring at all of these boxes that are still left unpacked.
sick of the fact that we've lived here for almost four months and have yet to go to Zion.
sick of never being up-to-date with my credit card statements and bills.
sick of not having time to write letters to my loved ones on missions.
sick of not having time to call and talk to the people I care about.
sick of stressing about finding our ideal dream home.
sick of worrying about whether or not we will qualify for a mortgage.
sick of working an 8-5 job, thus never being able to call or go to places to get anything done because those are also the only hours they are open.
sick of putting off going to the dentist.
sick of guilt and pressure to get Miles immunized and the stress of arranging multiple appointments.
sick of never having a weekend to myself where I have nothing at all that needs to be done or worried about.
sick of not being in school and knowing exactly what's expected of me.
sick of not having all the answers to help all of my clients.
sick of the lack of time I have at work to get everything done.
sick of the price of gas and how it constantly goes up.
sick of feeling helpless when Miles is sick or hurt.
sick of waiting for my t.v. shows to come back for a new season.
sick of wasting my time being promised money, but then being lied to and cheated.
sick of not having time to scrapbook all Miles's pictures.
sick of our toilets always being clogged.
sick of never being satisfied by the snacks in my house.
sick of my daily run to the gas station to fuel my Dr. Pepper addiction.
sick of the lack of jeans I have that fit me.
sick of not having the strength/time/willpower to wean Miles.
sick of the pressure/guilt that I haven't already done that.
sick of not being able to wear tanks tops in zillion degree weather.
sick of not having any time to read anymore.
sick of never seeing my family.
sick of worrying about my little brother.
sick of companies claiming I ordered things and charging my credit card without my permission and having to go through the hassle of mailing things back only to NOT get a refund.
sick of not having extra money to spend on things I need.
sick of spending way too much money on fast food.
sick of feeling like I went into the wrong profession.
sick of being too busy for yoga.
sick of Miles not sleeping through the night when we go out of town.
sick of feeling completely inadequate every time I lead a group at work.
sick of my torturous gallstones.
sick of stressing about having to have surgery on them at some point.
sick of thinking about the disgusting cleanse that I really need to try to flush them out.
sick of having to clean up after my sloppy self.
sick of the hard water stains on all the faucets in my house.
sick of the summer heat already being here.
sick of having a bleak, empty office because I don't have time or money to buy a couch and decorations.
sick of being so busy and overwhelmed I can't even answer a simple text message.

basically, I'm just sick.

30 days 30 ways.

Remember my recent hair crisis? If not, you can catch up here.

Well, with all of your supportive advice, I decided to do something big.

Can you say Brazilian Blowout?

You probably don't want to say it, actually.

I can't tell you how many funny looks I got when I told people I was getting one. It got pretty awkward making people think of my bikini line. Could the makers not have thought of a better name???

Seriously.

Anywho.

Since I spent an absurd amount of money on my hair (something very new and foreign to me), I figured I better make it count.

So I came up with 30 days 30 ways: a new 'do for every day of the month. Here's how it went:

Day 1 

Curly, side braid (not my finest hour)
*Decided to remove this picture because of how sick I got of looking at how ugly it was*

Day 2

Low, curly, side pony.

No photographic evidence of this boring hair.

Day 3

High pony with hair pulled back (no part).

Again, no evidence, except for every other picture of me taken this year.

Day 4

"Elegant Half Up"

Day 5

Twisted back bangs

Day 6

Low, straight, side pony with flower clip.

Day 7

 "The Bun Braid"

Day 8

Down and straight with flower headband

Day 9

 "Sleek Twisted Ponytail"

Day 10

"Not just a ponytail"

 Day 11

Straight, half up, with flower clip.

 

Day 12

Straight topsy tail

Day 13

"Three Twisted Buns"

Day 14

"The Topsy Tail Fishtail"

Day 15

 "The Double Braided Headband"

Day 16

"The Chinese Staircase Ponytail"

Day 17

 Curly half up with flower clip.

Day 18

Simple straight ponytail

Day 19

"Wrapped Bun"

Day 20

Curly "Waterfall Twist"

Day 21

 Straight "Waterfall Twist"

 Day 22

"Fishtail Braid"

 Day 23

Messy bun.

No photographic proof.

Day 24

"The Piece-y Pony"

 Don't you just love Miles's goofy face in the background? :)

Day 25

A cross between this twist ponytail and this waterfall technique

Day 26

"The Rope Bun"

I was too busy packing to get a picture of this one.

Day 27

Curly, messy bun with headband

Day 28

"Gibson Roll"

Day 29

"Ponytail Twist"

Day 30

"The Twist-Flip Bun"

Well, there you have it. Thank you, Pinterest for helping me embrace my inner girly-girl.

Now I just feel a tad bit conceited for posting so many damn pictures of myself...