A poem about pineapple.

So I was just going through my phone and found a little something I wrote on Brett's birthday while we were at Tucanos. For those of you who have never been, you are missing out! After reading this, I bet you can't guess what my favorite thing there is... ;-)

A poem about pineapple:

Warm yet sweet,
your smoky taste tantalizes as it tickles my tongue.
Electrons shoot through my brain
as your juicy explosion hits the roof of my mouth.
You are rightfully saved for last;
the perfect peak to a moment of pure pleasure.

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

This post was supposed to happen last week. I had big plans to spend New Years Eve (or maybe New Years Day) posting a nice reflective piece on the ups and downs of the this past year. Of course, I didn't get around to it. I was busy spending time with family and (mostly) relaxing and trying to enjoy my last couple days of freedom. No, seriously.

Although things didn't go according to plan as far as my blog writing, I am filling extremely full today. Full of thoughts, full of words, full of feelings. I figure if I don't post now, all of this pent up energy will sour and explode everywhere, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? Too stinky.

I'm not going to go all out and do a huge reflection and analysis on the last year of my life. However, I do want to mention just a few things that have stood out this past year. Let me begin by telling you that I'm not one for New Years Resolutions. The pessimist in me says they are just a horrible fad thought up by gyms, companies selling weight loss products, etc. So this year, instead of making an unrealistic, ridiculous resolution to make this year the one year I finally do something different, I am going to instead call out to the universe to help me carry on the same path I found in 2010. 

Last year while I was still working at a youth residential treatment center, I was able to participate with the kids in a weekly yoga practice. I didn't always join in, but every time I did, I loved it. You hear about all these celebrities swearing by things like yoga and pilates and you just laugh and roll your eyes at these new "trends". At least I do. That's why I thought it was kind of funny that somehow, when I actually saw what yoga was all about, I was hooked. Being someone with constant, massive anxiety, I had finally found something that spoke to me. But it wasn't about just learning to relax... No, it was much more than that. It was about finding the pathway back to my soul.

I can't really remember the exact time of year that the story I'm about to tell you took place. After all, I am forgetful like that. However, for the purposes of this post, we will pretend it was just after the new year began in 2010. (It just sounds better!) So here goes...

It was just a day or two into the new year when I was at work and decided to do yoga with the kids. The instructor had us think about what things we wanted to draw into our lives during the coming year. She had us write at least three things down a piece of paper. I imagine we did some sort of breathing/meditating/stretching/ritual/ceremony to solidify and call to the universe for support in this matter. Like I said before, my memory has lapsed, so forgive me for not remembering the details. Anyway. I absolutely loved this exercise. For some reason, it just stayed with me. That magical paper floated around my house for awhile before I found it much later and posted it on a bulletin board I have next to my bed. 

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

Three very simple, but very powerful words. (OK, technically it's four, but just go with me, people!) Those were the three things I called out to the universe to help me find in the upcoming year. And just like the yoga instructor said, these things magically came into my life, sometimes in the weirdest ways. I don't remember exactly what I was envisioning when I jotted those words down, although I do remember that I did so with great purpose and meaning. Despite my early onset Alzheimer's, I am going to tell you how all three of these things found their way into my life this past year.

Peace.

Peace is just such a foreign concept to me. My mind is a crazy thing. It is constantly running even at times when I wish it would just shut down and shut up. I am a worrier. I am always thinking about and worrying about something. Usually the future, sometimes the past. I am a do-er. I am constantly doing something. I cannot sit still for two minutes at a time. My husband will attest to the fact that if I feel like my day was unproductive (even if it wasn't), I am grouchy and anything but satisfied. I am an angry person. I am pessimist and I can find just about anything to get mad about. So when I called out to the universe for peace, I wasn't quite sure what I'd find. In this past year, my life and my personality haven't completely changed. I am still a crazy, worrying, do-ing, angry pessimist. However, I feel that life blessed me with plenty of moments this year when I felt peace. I felt soft, beautiful, stillness. I felt content. I felt whole. I felt purposeful. One of these moments was long lasting and occurred on a beautiful day/night in August. Brett and I had driven down to Vegas to spend a couple days playing in "our place" and we also attended his aunt's wedding. We had an incredible time together enjoying our old favorite hang-outs and trying some new ones too. On the drive home, we listened to Anberlin and I was kept company by an AMAZING lightning storm that lasted the entire stretch back. When we stopped in St. George for gas, I just absolutely had to make another stop: the Black Rock. This was the special place I found during my adventures in St. George, high on a hill where I could go to just think. I had some pretty profound moments of clarity there, and on that particular night I just could not resist a pit stop. We did not stay long, but I enjoyed a few precious moments  there. It was the perfect night. Warm. All was quiet except for the sound of the cars on the freeway below and the wind as it wrapped itself around me like a blanket. I looked at the lights in the city below and I was at home. It was transcendent and completely indescribably, but I will always treasure that particular moment of peace.

Acceptance.

I think when I resolved to bring a little more acceptance into my life, I was referring mostly to acceptance of self. You know how they say that your worst enemy is yourself? With me, that is definitely true. I am extremely hard on myself, and I am undoubtedly my own biggest critic. I'm a perfectionist, and when I don't live up to the expectations I surround myself with, I am disappointed, to say the very least. Although I can't honestly say that I have found a way to completely accept myself as-is, I have made significant progress. I still can't say to myself "I'm good enough" and fully believe it, but I think I'm getting closer to that point, which for me is HUGE. 

Self-discipline.

This was a really big thing for me last year. I am one of those people who likes things NOW. I am not good at delaying gratification. That is probably why it was so easy for me to get completely addicted to Dr. Pepper over the course of a few years and to eat so unhealthily that I gained enough weight that even a pig might have cringed. I tried working out before, I tried eating healthy, but I never really saw results. I blamed genetics and thought that I would just be fat and depressed about it for life. I told myself that I could not change, and that there was NO way I could live without my daily dose of Dr. Pepper. But last year that all changed. I was able to stay clean from Dr. Pepper (and all soda for that matter!) for over 8 months! I started eating healthy and working out and I lost almost 20 pounds! Instead of rationalizing my poor choices, I started taking control and using a little bit of self-discipline. The fact that I was successful at doing so blew my freaking mind. I did not think it was possible. That is why I am extremely grateful and also extremely proud of these big steps and accomplishments, and I hope to make them ongoing.

So as I look forward to the new year, I again give a big shout-out to the universe and ask that it bring me even more....

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

Amen.