The last few months have been busy, to say the least. However, despite the chaos that is characteristic of my life, I have had some pretty profound moments.
I recently had a major epiphany about myself. In my pursuit of ultimate self-awareness (aka therapy) I realized that I have an insanely hard time trusting people. I don't just let anyone into my life, and sometimes I go to extremes to push people away. I'm sure to some degree this has been a self-preservation technique, albeit an unhealthy one. I didn't really see this as a huge problem until recently when I realized that my inability to trust people is going to negatively affect my ability to provide therapy to the people I'm destined to help.
I'm in a play therapy class this semester which has seriously blown my mind. Our teacher is the epitome of who/what I want to be as a therapist. I love the humanism embodied in the theory of her therapy and I feel that she is an incredible example of how to mix that with enough creative juice to come up with an amazing masterpiece. A few weeks ago we talked about the essential features of play therapy, one being the therapist's ability to be genuine and real with the child. We talked about this not being just a simple technique, or a button within yourself that you turn on and off as you enter the playroom, but rather as a way of being.
I was completely struck by that concept and it was then that I realized that I have this internal struggle constantly going on in my head. It is the the debate of perfection vs. realness.
I have always enjoyed people who are real, raw, unadulterated. I'm envious of the people that can say to the world, "this is how I am, you can take it or leave it, but I refuse to be anything different." I'm jealous of those who are capable of being brutally honest. Not in the "yes that dress makes you look SO fat" kind of way, but in the "yes, these are the mistakes I've made, here are my deepest, darkest thoughts about life, this is my very soul" sort of way.
The truth is, I've always wanted to be that person. I've tried at times and succeeded to an extent, but I think the constant rejection caused me to shrivel back into my tiny little shell where no one could see me for the person I really am. I realize that I am very good at hiding myself and trying very hard to appear "perfect" and polished on the outside. I've been terrified to to admit to anyone besides myself that I'm beautifully broken and dangerously damaged. Instead I try to do everything perfectly and live up to completely ridiculous and unreal expectations. But you know what? I'm tired of it.
Last month I was blessed to have the listening ears of a beautiful friend who let me tell her some of my life story. That's not at all an easy thing for me to do, and she could tell you that it took her opening up to me and "becoming human" for me to begin talking. It was refreshing to "out" myself, to reveal some of my "fatal flaws" and to experience understanding rather dismissal.
In another class just this last week I was introduced to a slogan from AA: "We are only as sick as our secrets." That also really hit home for me because I think that I waste too much time and energy hiding myself in fear rather than becoming the genuine and real person that lives somewhere inside of me. In a way, I suppose that has been making me "sick." Over the last two months I have really resolved to try to be more open and honest with people. I'm not saying that I'm planning on baring (no I didn't spell it wrong, I mean literally- bare-ing) my soul to everyone I meet. Rather, I would like to begin slowly breaking down the walls around myself that I have spent a lot of time building up to keep people away. It seems to me like an impossible task, but I have realized this last year that I am capable of big things. And who's gonna stop me? I double dog dare you. ;-)
Well, I've got a long journey ahead, so I best be getting started. Thanks for letting me share, world. Goodnight.
