**Warning. Full steam cynicism (and swears) ahead. Read at your own risk.**
Don't you just love this time of year? You know what I'm talking about. The daily slew of "It's November! Today I'm thankful for..." posts blowing up your Facebook feed. Gag me with a fucking spoon. No one cares what you are grateful for, Susan. You love your dog coco? Awesome. "SO grateful for your amazing husband"? Great. Keep it to your damn self. No one cares, no one wants to hear about how "blessed" you are. Do everyone else a favor and just shut. the. fuck. up.
Thanksgiving is supposed to be this time of blissful reflection of all we are grateful for. Do you know what I am thankful for?
Nothing. I don't feel "#blessed". I feel angry.
You want to know what I am NOT thankful for?
Hmm... where to start?
How about having a defective phone that deleted (and did not back up) thousands of my precious memories that will likely cost upwards of a thousand dollars to get back (destroying my brand new phone in the process). Oh, and that is if there is even any chance at all of getting them back.
Or my annoying kids who do nothing but whine, cry, complain, fight and argue about EVERYTHING.
How about my husband who is too busy with school to pay attention to parenting or anything else for that matter.
Or having to pay for two different preschools so that he can go to school full time.
Let's see, you know what else is really great about my life? Burning through the only savings we had and now having to live painfully from paycheck to paycheck.
Or having to work a bunch of extra shifts in an desperate attempt to not have to overdraft our bank account again.
Even better, I get to end this year looking forward to the $6000+ in medical bills I will face next year for Brett to fix his damn ACL and meniscus.
And that is only going to be added to the $1000+ we still have in outstanding dental bills... Not to mention the unresolved pain and issues with my most recent dental work (which will likely double or triple that amount because at some point it will be unavoidable to pay someone else to re-do it).
Oh did I mention how fun it is to be the only one financially responsible to support my family? No? How about how delightful it is to never have any time or energy for self care?
You know what is really great? Feeling EXHAUSTED and depleted all. the. time.
We live in a world centered around morning people. Fuck that. Who has anytime to sleep when you're waking up at 6 am? Well come on, who wouldn't be grateful for that?
Do you know what else brings me thrills? Having to juggle not just my schedule, but FOUR busy schedules and having to leave work (don't even TALK to me about finding a parking spot when I get back!) to tote kids from school to "day care" for an hour.
Or living day-to-day with a persistent fear that I have cancer or some incurable underlying disease causing me to feel like I'm living in an 80 year old's body, and it won't be discovered until it's too late because I'm "too young" to have any real medical problems.
And can we talk for a minute about kid homework...? Having them in preschool and kindergarten is supposed to give me some relief, not add to my stress and give me MORE to do.
Oh, don't forget, our whole roof fiasco.... Still just waiting for that to eventually cave in and dreading the $10,000+ in repairs when we can no longer ignore yet another problem that is not our fault (that we actually took measures to prevent), yet still rests solely on our (i.e. MY) shoulders.
Know what else is fun to deal with? Being a woman and having to deal with all the shit that entails. #patriarchyforthewin. Or anxiety. Yup. That is also relentless.
Family drama at all junctures is equally exciting, let met tell you. Resentment. My drug of choice lately. It burns going down, and coming back up!
Not to mention all the useless "stuff" that builds up and just adds clutter to a life. Like really, where does this shit come from?
Needs some knots? I got 'em! In my shoulders. No matter how deep I dig, those suckers are just not going away!
Another thing I am just so thankful for... guilt. You know, I can't find a nostalgic Super Nintendo to save my life, but that gosh darn guilt. It's everywhere! It is tucked into every corner of my life. I feel guilty about just about everything, including (but not limited to):
-Being a horrible mom.
-Not spending enough time with my kids.
-Resenting my kids.
-Eating out way too much.
-Not being able to get my eating under control.
-Being hopelessly addicted to Dr. Pepper.
-Making stupid daily choices that are leading to financial ruin.
-Not caring about my filthy house or yard enough to do anything about them.
-Being late to work every damn day because I can't get out of bed in the morning.
-Never spending quality time with Brett.
-Watching too much TV.
-My dwindling mental health.
Oh, and Christmas. I never cease to be annoyed by all the commercialism, the (unnecessarily) busy stores as a result of all the "festivity", the expectation to give, give, give when I have nothing at all to give anymore and can't I just have a break for one goddamn second of my life where all of this would just go away??? Oh yeah, that would be death. Rats.
So here is to holding space for myself and all you others out there (you know who you are) who, despite how socially unacceptable it is, are not loving all the holly jolly attitudes being rubbed in your face this time of year.
Happy Thanksgiving!
