Warning! The post you are about to read contains a great deal of pregnant angst. Reader discretion is advised.
Last night I had the joy of watching Parenthood live for the first time. Usually my life is so chaotic I have to catch up via Hulu, but miraculously, this week was different.
I was on the edge of my seat when I watched the previous episode online earlier in the day. There were so many plot lines I felt invested in that I was glad not to have to wait a long period of time before watching the newest developments. Little did I know, my emotional health was greatly at risk.
I usually relish in the drama of the show (after all, isn't that what TV is all about?!), but after tonight's episode, I realized the price we sometimes pay for drama.
Although I actually got one of the best night's sleep last night (which is miraculous for me being so uncomfortably pregnant), I woke to find that this episode really hit strong chords with my subconscious.
I can't help but be extremely disappointed, and at moments even disgusted by the way adoption has been portrayed so far on the show.
Because adoption is so close to my heart, I love to see and hear about how others experience it, even if those people are fake TV characters. I remember how emotionally invested I was in Claire's character on Lost because of her situation. Maybe I'm just weird, but who's asking you, anyway?
For those of you who aren't familiar with the show (I realize that not everyone has my undying devotion for Lauren Graham), let me fill you in on the details:
Julia is one of the show's main characters. She's the youngest daughter of the four sibling family the show follows. She's a successful lawyer who is also somewhat of an obsessive control freak. Her husband, Joel, is a stay at home dad with their daughter, Sidney. Recently, Julia decides she wants to have another baby, but finds out that for whatever reason, she can't conceive. So she and Joel decide they want to look into adoption.
It just so happens that a young, pregnant girl works at a coffee cart at Julia's firm during this dramatic time. Of course Julia gets to know this girl and asks her if she can adopt the baby and the girl says yes. This obviously is done with much more drama and hooplah than I've outlined here, but that's besides the point.
What is the point, anyway?
My pregnancy brain is already overloaded and my emotions are all over the place, so forgive me for my lack of organized thought.
Ok, the point... Well the point is, the show has grossly misrepresented any semblance of a real adoption and it pisses me off.
Where are the caseworkers? Where are the lawyers? Where is the application process for Julia and Joel? Where is education about adoption and it's many different shapes, colors, and sizes? Where is the counseling for Zoe (the birthmother)?
So far the show has shown Julia perpetuate a "give me your baby" attitude that I find to be absolutely disgusting, and unrealistic. While I realize that a lot of new adoptive couples have a lot to learn and understand about the adoption process, Julia is CLUELESS, and I'm disappointed that the writers of the show haven't done anything to address this. Of course adoptive parents are going through an emotional roller coaster with their infertility. Of course once they find a birthmother, they are going to worry until that baby is 100% theirs that the birthmom may change her mind. Of course they may feel threatened by the openness that is becoming more common in adoptions these days. All of those things are a reality, and I get it. But Julia's character has done nothing but perpetuate all the myths about adoption that are out there and obviously it's touched a nerve for me.
So, because I feel the need to educate anyone who is listening to my angsty-pregnant rant, let me provide some information about adoption that this show (and especially this last episode) so kindly has left out:
Point Number One:
Adoption isn't just something that anyone can decide to do to magically get themselves a baby when they feel like it. It is a long, difficult process for adoptive couples. There are different laws in each state that require a lot of paperwork and a "home visit" before couples are "approved" to move forward with adoption.
I have been annoyed that the only paperwork the show has discussed so far is the signing of the birthfather's relinquishment papers. There's no mention of Julia and Joel's application, their stacks of paperwork, their home visit, or any of their approval process, really. Are they even actually approved for adoption? Adoption isn't just as simple as saying "I want a baby. Let's find someone who is having one and ask for them to hand it over." Yet, that is how it has been depicted in the show.
Point Number Two:
Because adoption is a legal process, it requires third party facilitators. An adoptive couple must work with lawyers and/or caseworkers in order to complete their application paperwork, have a "home study" conducted, receive adoption counseling/education, be represented in court to finalize the adoption, etc.
Again, I ask, where are the freaking caseworkers??? Some of the show's other main characters, Adam and Christina, have a son with Aspergers. They consult with a therapist for their son on a regular basis. So why did the writers decide that Julia and Joel don't need counseling for their adoption, when in reality, that is very much a big part of the process?! Their lack of education about adoption is so blatant and unnerving to me. They have no idea how to freaking treat a birthmother and how to navigate an open relationship with her. Instead they are awkward, overbearing, intrusive, and over the last several episodes have repeatedly hounded her with, "Are you sure you're going to give us your baby? Are you really sure? How about now? Are you changing your mind? What about now?" AHHHH! This is not reality people!! Which leads me to....
Point Number Three:
Birthmothers deserve respect. They are are not stupid, heartless people who are looking for an easy way out of a difficult situation. If they wanted an "easy" way out, they would have sprung for an abortion, which does not require the emotional roller coaster of carrying a living human being inside of you for nine months. Adoption is not an easy decision for a birthmother, by any means. She doesn't need someone constantly asking "are you sure about this?" every five minutes. Of course she is sure. Of course she isn't sure. Choosing to place your child for adoption is one of the most heartbreaking decisions a person could ever make. It's painful and scary to think about losing that incredible connection you have with your child to parents who you know are more "fit" to take care of your baby than you are. It's gut wrenching to know that you will never be able to experience your child's firsts: their first smile, their first laugh, their first step, their first birthday. But when a birthmom knows it's right, it's right. She needs empathy and support, not a constant second guessing of her decision by anyone and everyone who has an opinion on the matter.
The way Zoe has been portrayed in these latest episodes has been really maddening to me. She has vicariously (through her boyfriend) asked Julia and Joel to be "paid" for "giving them her baby."
Let's stop there for a minute. I think it is a pretty common assumption in the media that a lot, if not the majority, of birthmothers are looking to "sell" their babies to get some kind of gain out of it. SERIOUSLY, people?! While there are always exceptions, and that may be the case in some situations, that is not typical. Like I said before, the decision to place for adoption is not selfish and heartless like this. It's difficult and painful, and done because birthmothers want what is best for their child.
And lets talk language for a second. The phrase "giving up a baby for adoption" has more recently come under scrutiny in the adoption world. A major push to choose wording like "placing a child for adoption" or "making an adoption decision" has become more acceptable. My first thoughts about this wording change were "Oh, great, here's another one of those 'politically correct' ways to say something that we all have to tippy toe around so as not to offend people." However, after watching these emotionally laden episodes, I'm beginning to understand why the adoption world is trying to make the shift. I've also realized just how painful it is to my ears, especially, to hear "She put her baby up for adoption." AHHH!!! Birthmothers don't put their babies up!! They don't just pop the thing out, say, "Hmm, this isn't for me" and put them on Ebay for anyone to bid on. That would be pretty heartless. Did I mention already that birthmothers AREN'T heartless? Hopefully you got that memo.
Another thing that has occurred recently in the show, is Zoe becoming emotional about her decision at various times (i.e. when she discovers the nursery Julia is setting up for the baby and when Julia takes her to a birth class that emphasizes the loving bond mothers will have for their child).
Of course she is getting emotional for crying out loud! She is days away from giving birth to a child that she knows she is not going to parent, despite the love she has for the baby. It's normal, and HEALTHY for her to be experiencing grief right now. She should be talking to someone about her grief (i.e. a CASEWORKER), not experiencing the wrath of controlling, overprotective Julia who is openly freaking out at any sign that Zoe is "changing her mind." A birthmother is going to experience grief. It does not mean she is changing her mind. It means she is human. She is normal. She is healthy. You should be worried if she's NOT openly grieving. But does the show illustrate this? No. They demonize Zoe for having any feelings at all.
In the last scenes of the episode, they show Zoe in the nursery holding the baby and bonding (which she refused to do just after birth). Then Julia looks in the window, witnesses this, catches Zoe's eyes and openly SCOWLS at her as if to say, "How dare you bond with my baby!" SERIOUSLY?!? Again, it's NORMAL and HEALTHY for a birthmother to hold her baby, to connect with him/her and to say her goodbyes. That isn't a sign that she's "changing her mind" for crying out-freaking-loud! It's a sign that she loves her child and is preparing to make a sacrifice that not many would even dream of making. She should be loved, cherished and respected for this, not pathologized and scowled at!
Ugh. So there you have it. My pregnant rant of the day. I hope you were able to see beyond my angst and understand that I know Parenthood is just a TV show and not real life. I realize the writers are just going for dramatic effect by leaving so much out of the story. But I hope you will also understand why this type of media portrayal of adoption is unhealthy and harmful to women everywhere who have made the incredibly difficult decision to place their children for adoption in loving homes to non-neurotic, adoptive couples.
Sidenote: My prediction is that Zoe is going to place the baby with Julia and Joel and that this has all just been a big hooplah to get people emotional.
Sidenote number two: Crosby and Jasmine are FINALLY back together! Yay! All is right with the world. :)
