I didn't jump on the bandwagon.... I got ran over by it.

I've decided that my big mouth gets me in a lot of trouble. I think (or maybe, desperately, HOPE) I have officially learned to never again say: "I will never..."

Wow, that sentence was sort of circular and redundant. It reminds me of Fievel Goes West when he and the seagull sing the "never say never" song together. Or was that in An American Tail? What the hell kind of name is Fievel, anyway?!

I am easily distractable these days... in case you didn't notice.

While I know my list of "Things I Swore I Would Never Do, But Somehow Ended Up Doing," is probably extremely long (and includes two of my biggest life decisions: going to "Utah Valley State High School" and BYU...), my most recent stunt has me vacillating from giggle fits to major crying episodes on a regular basis.

That's right folks. I'm pregnant.

And not just pregnant, but due in TEN DAYS. If that isn't enough to scare the living shit out of you, I don't know what is.

I recently discovered this picture I posted on facebook almost a year ago along with it's caption:

"No, I'm not having one anytime soon, people!"

I probably should have inserted my foot directly into my mouth afterwards. Within three months, I was indeed knocked up and (sarcastically) loving life.

Would you like some proof? Take a look at this un-published blog post (via letter to the Divine) I wrote just three days after I found out about my "miracle":

Dear God,

What in the world were you thinking? When I left something this big up to you, I trusted you. Instead, here I am KNOCKED UP and hating life. Are you serious?? I mean, I am just barely starting the second year of my graduate program for heavens sakes! I can't be pregnant during this program. It's already hell and you know that! I can barely survive now, how do you expect me to get extremely sick and fat while maintaining the ability to provide good therapy to others and learn more about myself?? I mean, how can I learn about myself when my own body has been hijacked?! I feel like I'm not even myself anymore. I'm myself + it. Ugh. Didn't you know about all my big plans? I'm sure you did. I wanted to explore, to be happy and enjoy life! Now I am stuck with this thing inside of me, living like a parasite and taking up more real estate than Century 21 sells in a year! Stretch marks? No thanks! Pissing in a cup, sticking myself with needles and having people look at my crotch on a regular basis.... You are really just messing with me, right?! You've got to be. You have to know that motherhood is NOT for me. Didn't we both figure that out six years ago? I mean, yeah, eventually I'd like to be mom. EVENTUALLY. What in the world made you choose now? Are you trying to mess up my career? Are you trying to get me to drop out of school and live up to my previous reputation as a screwed up failure? Are you trying to ruin my life??? Because it sure feels like it. My life is over now. No more fun with friends whenever I feel like it. No more roller coasters (at least not the fun kind.) No more sleepovers with my sisters or my school friends. No more hot tubs. No more vacations. No more traveling the world or starting something big to make a difference. No more sleeping in. Ever. How dare you take that away from me. No more relationship with my husband. No more game nights. No more shows. No more camping trips. No more paint balling. No more losing weight. No more yoga. No more money. No more happiness. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to monotony I go... Dirty diapers, screeching and wailing. That's right. My life is officially over. Thanks a lot.

Sincerely yours,

Savannah

As you can tell, I was full of socially-unacceptable angst (can you see why I left that particular word vomit un-posted until now?) And although I'd like to say I'm now 100% at peace with my current situation, that wouldn't be entirely truthful. The reality is, I'm scared to freaking death.

I'm going to have a freaking baby. While a significant number of women in my cohort meticulously planned their "final semester of grad school" pregnancies, I stood by and laughed. I thought, "what a stupid idea!" Well, I guess the joke is on me. Here I am, minutes away from delivery (ok, so that's just wishful thinking), and still completely freaking out about my future.

Or should I say, OUR future. AHHHHHH! The angst returns!!!

I spent the first few months of my pregnancy in denial. I really felt my life was over, and that was just too much to handle. Although I thought that in these later months I had at least somewhat embraced the fact that I'm sharing my body with another human being, I find I am again becoming reacquainted with my good friend, D.

If I just don't admit how much my life is going to change in a few days, it can't really happen.... right?