A few months ago, I lost over 2000 precious photos and videos that were deleted in an instant from my phone. I have agonized for months over getting them back. I have tried everything humanly possible to retrieve them, but here I am... writing this post. I'm sure there is some kind of symbolism or metaphor in the fact that all of my backups failed me. Or maybe it really is just my terrible luck. Either way, it does not change the fact that I am devastated.
For the last two days I have felt like I'm gasping for air, racing against the clock. I didn't want to end the year without wrapping up this year's memories with a pretty bow. I was hoping, against all hope, that somehow, someway, I would have gotten them all back, intact. Like a kid on Christmas hoping for Santa to deliver a Christmas miracle. But Santa isn't real, and there is no such thing as miracles. Technology is supposed to make our lives better, not make us prisoners of our own lives. Yet here I sit, in a cell of my own making.
I'm mourning for these lost photographs like I have mourned over the loss of loved ones. To someone who has a complicated relationship with time and with memory, it is impossible for me to just let go. "At least it was just a few months worth." Easy for you to say. But a lot happened in those months. Moments I captured and recorded that I can never get back...
Visits to my kid's very first classrooms, the start to their journey of learning.
Miles practicing and executing his "hurricane in a bowl" Scientist of the Week experiment.
Bowling and other good times with my parents who came down for a fall visit which left me and the kids teary over the goodbyes we had to say when the weekend came to an end.
A fall family 5K that Atticus ran nearly non-stop, giving motivational speeches to himself and to me the entire time about how "we can do this!"
A labor day camping trip to Red Canyon where we froze our buns off in the tent, snuggling together for warmth; with hikes later to Kodachrome and Grosvenor Arch (and knarly, bumpy car rides where we thought we might die).
Staying overnight at Grandma Beatty's so Brett could run the Cedar City half marathon and going to IHOP with grandma after.
Our first "movie in the park." The kids loved Lego Batman and it was the perfect weather to lie on a blanket under the stars and enjoy some family time.
A visit to the memorial crosses in Vegas following the terrible shooting which left me in awe of the humanity that can arise out of tragedy.
A trip up north for a play therapy training with Tiffany complete with late night laughing fits and snorting Dr. Pepper out of my nose in the hotel bed.
A night alone with my baby sister reliving Cornbellys memories, and sneaking into the princess village to take our traditional pumpkin carriage selfie that started it all.
Spending days and hours with Brett and the boys exploring all the new and old Cornbellys haunts. I don't want to forget how hard the boys begged to go down the sack race slide over and over. Or how proud and excited Miles was to make it to the very top of the rock wall. Or laying on the giant swing with Atticus with the sun on our faces as we pushed pause on time and just relaxed. Or how I couldn't stop laughing while rolling in the rat rollers.Or how hard the boys tried to pull the tractor and excited they were to get it to move. Or the extra visit with the cousins and playing the mini golf and riding the grain train which now told us a fun, new little story. Or how tightly Atticus clung to me while riding the new Barn Swing and Corn Flyer rides. Or how obsessed the boys were with riding the stationary tractors and turning the crank to start the engine. They could have played on the playground pirate ship for days. We had to pull them away from watching the animal band and the new dog show. Or jumping like monkeys on the jumping pillows. I think my favorite part was the new "Clunk the Crow" and the farmyard Skee-Ball. This place is so magical to me, and this has been my favorite visit since the kids were born-- one truly for the books.
The traditional Halloween Party in Milford, complete with making witches fingers, decorating our own jack o' lantern mini pizzas, family cuddling on the couches watching movies, and Atticus's obsession over Bop It.
Atticus's fixation on wanting me to watch him go down the slide over and over again at my mom and dad's house as he squealed with joy.
A hair cut adventure which resulted in the most adorable, wild, blow dryer hair pictures.
A visit to Dallon and Kaitlin's complete with the boys running wild after the twins finally got to sleep. The boys wanted to show off their exercise skills and were running in place adorably and doing impressive push ups. Where do they get such energy?
Our annual Dixie football game where as per tradition, we never make through the whole game. Though it was so dang adorable to hear Atticus and his chanting: "come on Trailblazers, you can do it!"
A work teleconference in a room that made me feel like a character from Star Trek.
Atticus singing all kinds of songs while helping daddy empty the dishwasher, or the little conversations he creatively concocted with his cars and trains while playing.
Miles and Atticus playing basketball with the over-the-door hoop in Atticus's room, with Miles's crazy shooting skills and Atticus's adorable blocking skills. Or their football/tackling moves while running around the kitchen with a helmet and their Jazz jerseys on.
Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory in Las Vegas with cousins complete with trying my Funfetti cheesecake for the first time, and the boys snuggling with their cousin Jace and avoiding bedtime after.
The boys' first official Jazz game.We rode the train up to Salt Lake and explored the City Creek Mall for the first time--complete with a trip to the American Girl store where my childhood dreams came true. Atticus threw a fit about taking a family picture in front of the stadium which is ironic, as the photo obvs. didn't make it through this photo crisis of 2017. We got to jump in giant piles of leaves for the first time this fall, albeit landing on the cement below wasn't the most pleasant experience. We did not love the lines and the waiting, but the boys did love sitting court side to watch their favorite players warm up, and Atticus shocked me with his bravery and got Rodney Hood to sign his program. I think their favorite part was getting to shoot hoops on their own on the court after the game. Brett will never let me live it down that I scored a shot and he didn't. Even though we sat nosebleed for the actual game, the boys had a blast waving their obnoxious noise makers and barely stayed awake on the late train ride home. I think the only reason they managed to keep their eyes open was because we were all stuffing our faces with Korean treats we got for free from our favorite, awesome Cup Bop peeps.
A last minute trip to the trampoline park the night before Halloween. We had the place to ourselves and the boys bounced their little brains out. Of course Atticus's favorite part wasn't actually the jumping, but touching every button on the few arcade games that were there.
Atticus singing his "mean old witch with a hat" song that he learned in preschool over and over during the month of October.
A Halloween Trunk or Treat with the next door neighbors and a Halloween night trip to IHOP for Scary Face pancakes with two sets of twins and triplets AKA some of our favorite peeps. And the boys fighting with each other and their friends over who got to ring the doorbells while out trick or treating.
Miles losing his first tooth.
Miles participating on his first basketball team. I don't ever want to forget how adorable it was to watching him excitedly skip/jump all around the court, or refuse to shoot the ball, instead tossing it to team members at the earliest chance. Or hugging/tackling his new best buddy, Jaedon during practices. Or Atticus's newfound ability to sit completely still for an hour due to all of the distractions to keep his little brain occupied.
A solo trip to Zion after having a mental breakdown and screaming at the top of my lungs to Sum 41 on the drive there. The mountains, fall colors, and view overlooking Sand Hollow helped to calm my soul.
Practicing my french braiding skills on Atticus's hair.
So many, many memories.
I have mourned their loss over and over again. With each newfound hope that they might be restored, I have only been let down with the repeated "I'm sorry, we can't help you."
Today I found myself paralyzed and curled up back in bed, in tears once again over the fact that as much as I can't stand the thought of giving up, I have to let go.
Most people don't get it. I can't make them. But I'm trying hard to hold space for myself as as I heed the advice of the ever wise nayyirah waheed:
Fist fighting my need to hold tight and instead choosing to let go and move on.
Happy New Year.
Thank you for sharing that quote. I need to apply that in my life. I think we label grief as a "bad" emotion so often that we don't allow ourselves to feel it, so we slow our healing.
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