peter pan, come save me from this shit.

I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders every day.

Everything I do is for other people.

I work to make money to feed and care for my family.

I work to help other people, complete strangers.

I take care of my kids' physical needs and try (but fail miserably) to take care of their emotional needs, too.

I worry about having a clean house, the shopping, the laundry, the yard work, the car maintenance, the bills, the meal prep, the cooking, the doctors appointments, the kids' school schedules, homework, class parties.

I stress about buying the kids new clothes that fit because they grow too damn fast.

I worry about world peace.

I worry about my family members.

My biggest fear is losing the people I love and I worry about it, irrationally, all the time.

I worry about people on the internet who I don't even know.

I had a conversation today with a patient's family member and (hypocritically) told her she can't take care of other people without taking care of herself first. It is self care 101, but a lesson (like many) that apparently don't apply to me. Because I'm the goddamn exception to everything, didn't you know?

I am drowning over here, and no one has ever taught me to swim. I can't breathe and even though it is supposed to be biologically impossible not to be able to perform that basic human function, I suck at that too.

My plate is always overflowing. It is never going to change. The garbage just keeps on piling up. Another mess for me to clean up.

But I don't want to anymore. I'm done.

I want someone to clean up after me.

I want someone to worry about me.

I want someone to go to work for me. To cook and clean for me. To take care of me.

To buy me what I need, and to take time for and think of me.

To teach me how to deal with this shithole of a life and all these relentless feelings.

What a freaking fantasy.

I want to be a kid. I spent my whole life, desperate to have the freedom of being an adult. I wanted to run away from childhood so badly.

Yet here I am an adult and longing to run away again. Take me to fucking neverland, Peter. I don't ever want to come back.