happy un-thanksgiving

**Warning. Full steam cynicism (and swears) ahead. Read at your own risk.**

Don't you just love this time of year? You know what I'm talking about. The daily slew of "It's November! Today I'm thankful for..." posts blowing up your Facebook feed. Gag me with a fucking spoon. No one cares what you are grateful for, Susan. You love your dog coco? Awesome. "SO grateful for your amazing husband"? Great. Keep it to your damn self. No one cares, no one wants to hear about how "blessed" you are. Do everyone else a favor and just shut. the. fuck. up.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be this time of blissful reflection of all we are grateful for. Do you know what I am thankful for?

Nothing. I don't feel "#blessed". I feel angry.

You want to know what I am NOT thankful for?

Hmm... where to start?

How about having a defective phone that deleted (and did not back up) thousands of my precious memories that will likely cost upwards of a thousand dollars to get back (destroying my brand new phone in the process). Oh, and that is if there is even any chance at all of getting them back.

Or my annoying kids who do nothing but whine, cry, complain, fight and argue about EVERYTHING.

How about my husband who is too busy with school to pay attention to parenting or anything else for that matter.

Or having to pay for two different preschools so that he can go to school full time.

Let's see, you know what else is really great about my life? Burning through the only savings we had and now having to live painfully from paycheck to paycheck.

Or having to work a bunch of extra shifts in an desperate attempt to not have to overdraft our bank  account again.

Even better, I get to end this year looking forward to the $6000+ in medical bills I will face next year for Brett to fix his damn ACL and meniscus.

And that is only going to be added to the $1000+ we still have in outstanding dental bills... Not to mention the unresolved pain and issues with my most recent dental work (which will likely double or triple that amount because at some point it will be unavoidable to pay someone else to re-do it).

Oh did I mention how fun it is to be the only one financially responsible to support my family? No? How about how delightful it is to never have any time or energy for self care?

You know what is really great? Feeling EXHAUSTED and depleted all. the. time.

We live in a world centered around morning people. Fuck that. Who has anytime to sleep when you're waking up at 6 am? Well come on, who wouldn't be grateful for that?

Do you know what else brings me thrills? Having to juggle not just my schedule, but FOUR busy schedules and having to leave work (don't even TALK to me about finding a parking spot when I get back!) to tote kids from school to "day care" for an hour.

Or living day-to-day with a persistent fear that I have cancer or some incurable underlying disease causing me to feel like I'm living in an 80 year old's body, and it won't be discovered until it's too late because I'm "too young" to have any real medical problems.

And can we talk for a minute about kid homework...? Having them in preschool and kindergarten is supposed to give me some relief, not add to my stress and give me MORE to do.

Oh, don't forget, our whole roof fiasco.... Still just waiting for that to eventually cave in and dreading the $10,000+ in repairs when we can no longer ignore yet another problem that is not our fault (that we actually took measures to prevent), yet still rests solely on our (i.e. MY) shoulders.

Know what else is fun to deal with? Being a woman and having to deal with all the shit that entails. #patriarchyforthewin. Or anxiety. Yup. That is also relentless.

Family drama at all junctures is equally exciting, let met tell you. Resentment. My drug of choice lately. It burns going down, and coming back up!

Not to mention all the useless "stuff" that builds up and just adds clutter to a life. Like really, where does this shit come from?

Needs some knots? I got 'em! In my shoulders. No matter how deep I dig, those suckers are just not going away!

Another thing I am just so thankful for... guilt.  You know, I can't find a nostalgic Super Nintendo to save my life, but that gosh darn guilt. It's everywhere! It is tucked into every corner of my life. I feel guilty about just about everything, including (but not limited to):

-Being a horrible mom.
-Not spending enough time with my kids.
-Resenting my kids.
-Eating out way too much.
-Not being able to get my eating under control.
-Being hopelessly addicted to Dr. Pepper.
-Making stupid daily choices that are leading to financial ruin.
-Not caring about my filthy house or yard enough to do anything about them.
-Being late to work every damn day because I can't get out of bed in the morning.
-Never spending quality time with Brett.
-Watching too much TV.
-My dwindling mental health.

Oh, and Christmas. I never cease to be annoyed by all the commercialism, the (unnecessarily) busy stores as a result of all the "festivity", the expectation to give, give, give when I have nothing at all to give anymore and can't I just have a break for one goddamn second of my life where all of this would just go away??? Oh yeah, that would be death. Rats.

So here is to holding space for myself and all you others out there (you know who you are) who, despite how socially unacceptable it is, are not loving all the holly jolly attitudes being rubbed in your face this time of year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

las vegas.

It's been a week now and I still can't shake the feeling. Or rather, feelings, because there are oh so many of them.

I woke up to the news Monday morning. The rest of the day was a fog.

Do we really live in a world where someone is capable of such atrocity?

How do we live in a world where someone is capable of such atrocity?

We are all capable of such atrocity.

My heart has broken over and over again for those affected. The INFJ in me does not allow me to interact with the world in any other way but to feel into the very depths.

How do you go about your day after the world has experienced so much pain?

The unanswered questions.

The terror.

The unrelentless grief and despair.

The longing.

The regrets.

The fear.

The "if only I had..."

The screams.

The horror.

The blood.

The urge to run.

The urge to freeze.

The urge to pick up the pieces.

I couldn't pull myself away from the news for days.

I know all about "self-care" and what I "should" have done. I just couldn't.

Why should I be free to move on and live my life nearly unaffected when so many close to me are changed forever?

Vegas is "my place."

Many of my best memories have taken place in a city that now feels shattered.

So many people hate the crowds, hate the "sin" in one of my favorite cities, but it has always held a special place in my heart.

The bright lights.

The magic.

The awe.

The vastness.

The diversity.

The bits and pieces of shared culture and infamous places.

The music.

The laughter.

The bustle.

In-N-Out.

Our most recent trip to Vegas included a concert and overnight stay in the exact location of this unspeakable tragedy.

How do you reconcile that?

I've never considered Vegas a "safe" place, but to witness the horror of last week shook me to my core.

Not only can people do something so inconceivable, they can do it in my backyard. In my space.

When 9/11 happened, I was young, I didn't really get it at first. The twin towers? What were those? It became more real once I saw the second airplane hit while watching the news, but I was still so far removed. New York is worlds away.

This happened in a place I stood just months ago. In a place where my family and friends are.

Nearly every trip I make to Vegas includes some kind of concert.

After all, music is life.

How can I even go to a show after this?

Watching the videos of the gunshots going off and the chaos of the crowd was horrific, but one clip showed a young girl (probably no older than 10) running off alone, terrified.

I wept, thinking about my own kids. They are young now, but I have always wanted to share my love of shows with them.

Will I be able to now?

We have had a quick trip to Vegas planned for the last few weeks; an untimely injury led to the decision to pay hundreds there, rather than thousands here, for an MRI.

Our original plan included a stay at the Mandalay, but the $300+ nightly rate encouraged us to stay with family instead.

After I learned of the news, I wanted to call the whole trip off.

My trauma response is to run and get as far away and never look back.

I felt pretty traumatized.

I also felt guilty for feeling so traumatized when so many others were affected much more deeply.

All the freaking feelings.

It probably was no coincidence that the morning of our trip (exactly a week after the tragedy) I developed a migraine and stayed in bed most of the day.

As we got closer and closer to Vegas that evening, my stomach was in knots.

I wanted nothing to do with the strip. Usually a trip to Vegas would call for a visit to the M&M World and the Coca Cola Store.

Not this time.

By morning I worked up the courage to drive down the Boulevard.

It was surreal to pass the hotel we recently stayed at, to see the broken windows now boarded up.

To imagine again what would possess someone to shatter those windows and then shatter those lives, without a second thought.

It was humbling to drive by the crosses made by a complete stranger for those who lost their lives that night.

To see the crowds that had drawn, to honor those unfortunate souls who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It could have been me.

It could have been you.

58 doesn't seem like a huge number.

Until you walk next to 58 crosses.

58 lives.

58 hearts no longer beating.

And all it took was 10 minutes.

Unimaginable.

It was so strange to see people posing for touristy "Welcome to Las Vegas" photos with such a tragedy filled tribute in the background.

My own kids initial reaction to seeing all the crosses was excitement. There were flags and balloons. "Mom, it's someone's birthday!"

More like a death day. 

I had to hold back a sob as I stuttered something about something bad happening to a lot of people and how this was other people's way to show support for people who were hurting.

So much hurting.

Hurting I desperately want to save them from.

This is their place, too. They won't stop begging to go back to the "Hotel Castle."

I don't want that to change for them.

I don't want this to be the world they live in.

I don't want this to taint their precious memories.

For the first couple days after the event, it was hard for me to take the advice of Mr. Roger's mother and "look for the helpers."

It was hard to unbury myself from the inhumanity and the gravity of it all.

Even after all my education and training to help people through their trauma, I just couldn't seem to get out of my own.

Shock is a pretty powerful thing.

I'm glad we still made the trip.

I'm glad I got to witness and honor the loss.

I'm glad I got to see that my Vegas is truly #VegasStrong.

As the billboards now read: "When things go dark, Vegas shines."

While police and the powers-that-be continue to work to answer the question of "why," everyday heroes are pulling together to rebuild.

And though I can honor the depths of the despair, I can also hold space for the hope in humanity.

There is evil everywhere.

But there is also good too.

And I would rather look for the good.

hearing voices.

I feel lost,

conflicting thoughts course through
Clarity, she's gone,
took everything I thought I knew

Everyone wants to see Heaven
But no one wants to say goodbye
Everyone wants to see Heaven
But no one wants to die

Can't escape this feeling
fears are born inside
Can't escape this feeling
how can I deny?

I hear voices in my head
The choices I can't contend
I hear voices and they all know your name
They all know your name

Trapped inside a cell that I built myself
Felt so very empty, cold, dark, and lost

Everyone wants to know God
But they're afraid of what they'll find
Everyone wants to know God
But they want to live like he died

I feel it all, I feel it all around
I heard it call, it doesn't make a sound
Voice in my head
it never seems to leave
I know you're there
I know you're here with me

Can't escape this feeling
fears are born inside
When the spirit moves you
how can I deny?

I hear voices in my head
Can’t escape the Ghost
When the Ghost is not dead
I hear voices and they all know your name
They all know your name

january 21.

Have you ever had days in your life that have changed you?

Moved you to tears? Shaken you to your very core?

Days that alter the template of your reality, forever.

For me, that day was January 21, 2005.

It all started at 9:47 am.

After approximately 9 hours of fast and intense labor, Jace was born.

He was perfect.

Tiny, peaceful, wide-eyed, and curious about this world he just entered.

I had no way of knowing just how much that moment would change me forever.

The decision to place Jace for adoption did not come easily. In fact, it was one I fought for a long time.

I could raise this baby. I would raise this baby. He was mine. I loved him with all the intensity of my angsty teenage soul.

He was born to me for a reason. He would be my best friend.

I would figure out how to make our life work. I was only 16? But I was the most responsible 16 year old on the planet!

Right...

The stars aligned and through a weird twist of fate, I met his parents a few months before he was born.

They were perfect.

I could not raise this baby alone. I could give him all of me and it still would not be enough.

I learned early on that "all you need is love" is just a stupid cliche, peddled and pawned cheaply in sappy chick flicks. I blame the Beatles.

He needed more. He deserved more. And I found them.

They were everything I wish my parents had been. They were everything I wanted to be, someday.

If I was going to trust someone else to raise this baby, my baby, they had to fit the bill.

They exceeded all of my highest expectations.

Handing over Jace was the most difficult thing I have ever done. "From God's arms, to my arms, to yours" as the Michael McLean song goes.

To say goodbye, in a way was death. It was a tragic ending.

The grief hit fast and hard. The tears were relentless.

I woke up many nights alone, hearing his tiny cry and mourning for the baby I had lost.

I couldn't tell you how long it was before I started feeling normal again. The sadness felt deeper than the ocean, and I was drowning.

No one could possibly understand how this felt. I was angry at my parents for crying. They couldn't possibly feel the weight of my pain.

They did not create this life, or carry him for nine long months--months filled with dreams of all this baby would become.

Thoughts of all the "firsts" he would experience as he stumbled his way through life like the rest of us.

To miss out on those firsts would be devastating.

This pain was mine alone to bear. I was resentful of anyone who wanted to share it. How could they? I did a pretty good job of blocking them out.

I think at some point, I just learned to block it all out. To bury it.

But this time of year, it always resurfaces.

The complicated part about adoption is that there is grief and loss and pain, but there is also hope.  

The beautiful baby that made his way into my arms that day did not die.

He is very much alive.

His presence has blessed the life of his family. Without him they would have been incomplete.

Without him, I would be incomplete.

Eventually the sadness that once consumed me, made way for joy. 

Seeing his pictures over the years brought me a happiness that is hard to describe. I would run from the mail box with the excitement of a small child at Christmas to hear all about his life and to see the joy he brought to his family.

I felt a sense of connection with children that were his age, everywhere I went.

I had multiple opportunities in the following years to see this sweet boy and to spend time with him and his family to receive first hand confirmation of just how right this decision was for all of us.

Every year at Christmas, I get excited to pick out books and games that have been meaningful in my life to share with him and give him a small piece of me.

And then comes January 21.

Some years it comes and goes quickly. The day is filled with happy memories of the joy that came from this decision. My joy. His family's joy.

Other years it hits me like a ton of bricks. And I feel all the things.

It's complicated.

Every year on this day, I still mourn the baby I lost. I grieve for the life we might have had together. I feel sadness and pain. Tears are shed.

Yet, every year on this day, I also feel joy and happiness and hope. I am overwhelmed by a profound sense of gratitude. For this beautiful boy. For his family and the amazing love they have for him, and for me.

The significance of this day for me cannot be minimized.

So while to you, today may have just been January 21, an ordinary day in a sea full of days, for me it was the anniversary of a moment that changed my life forever.

So today I will honor both the sadness of the sacrifice, and the joy of a new life, a new beginning.

I love you, Jace. Happy birthday.

the search for the summit rock... our three week journey in memes

So, last year we started this crazy tradition.

Every June we search for the Summit Rock.

Don't know what that is? Boy are you missing out. I'm almost tempted NOT to tell you about it so you can't get in my way of finding it in the future (muahaha).

Basically, our local gym hides a rock somewhere in the community, then tortures us for days with silly riddles and clues played on the radio until someone finds the dang thing.

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. The rock is worth $10,000.

This year they upped the ante. They didn't just hide one rock, they hid three.

Yup. Three.

Each worth $10,000.

Needless to say, we spent plenty of time out looking.

Just in case you wanted an exciting play by play of our experience, here's how things went...

Day 1, Rock #1

When Brett texted me at work to tell me Rock #1 had been found:

After I had some time to watch the adorable video of Bruce and his boys finding the rock:

Day 3, Rock #2

When I was dead convinced I found the right spot:

When passing the new mall bridge several times during our excursions to look for the rock:

Trolling the "Find the Summit Rock" facebook page after a long day of hunting:

After reading Summit's extremely helpful hints:

How I look for the Summit Rock:

 

After walking for miles on the trail where Rock #2 was found:

Miles's face after telling him Rock #2 was found by someone else:

Atticus's face after my pep talk that Rock #3 is totally still within our reach:

Brett's reaction to said pep talk:

My eventual reaction after a week of terrible clues for Rock #3:

Me whenever someone posted my brilliant decipherings of the clues on the Facebook group before I was even off of work and able to go searching:

Rock #3: Every. Single. Clue.

Many moments spent hunting looked like this:

After the final, bonus clue was announced via special broadcast:

Immediately after the rock was found just near us:

Minutes after the rock was found:

Hours after the rock was found (while still agonizing over the clues):

When all was said and done, we logged an average of 5-10 miles walked per day. We woke up and left the house early. We talked. We poured sweat. We ate ridiculous amounts of ice cream after hours in the sun. We laughed. We cried.

We may not have found that dang rock, but we did have fun. And I'd like to think it made us healthier (though maybe not mentally healthier, haha!).

And despite Brett's protests...

We will see you next year, Summit Rock.

shake your money maker!

Ok, so I'm assuming all of you, my friends, are not incredibly wealthy and growing money from trees in your back yards. If you are, obviously we need to be better friends! ;) With that being said, I'm sure you will appreciate some creative ways to make some extra cash. I know I did.

This last year has had us pinching pennies and living pitifully like a scene from the Pursuit of Happyness (no, really, remember the plasma scene? That was me. Twice. Never again...) Ok, so maybe it wasn't that dramatic. But still, in an attempt to pay our bills at a time when we were making too much to qualify for any assistance, and too little to pay our many medical bills, I felt pretty desperate. 

During that time, I stumbled across a blog with a lot of creative ways to build extra income and pay down student loans. I figured I would share the wealth (literally... har har) so that you can benefit from some simple, easy $$. Cuz who doesn't need more of that? 

I'm not promising you will become a millionaire by trying any of these ideas, but if you want to make a little something extra by taking as little as just a few minutes, then what do you have to lose? (I should probably note I'm not in any way being compensated for sharing this, and I'm not trying to sell you anything like many of your other friends using social media to promote their MLMs. Speaking of which, did you see this hilarious article? Haha.)

So here goes:

Ibotta

A little known fact about me is that I love coupons. Love them. It gives me a mad high to save money, and I've been doing it since I was a kid. I've had a lot of people tell me they "don't know how" or "just don't have time" to use coupons, to which I say, poo poo! It's not rocket science, people! But if you feel the same way, Ibotta is totally the app for you. No coupons are required, and you save money on things you buy all the time. It's a simple as:

-Sign up and download the app here. (No really, do it here because you will join my team, which helps us both earn more money, quicker!)

-Click on a category to see available rebates (i.e. the grocery category has 129 rebates at Walmart right now, ranging from applesauce, to milk, eggs, cheese, etc.).

-Click on the rebate you want to redeem; watch a 10 second video or answer a 2 second question about the product to load the rebate to your account).

-Go shopping. Scan the barcodes of the items you have rebates for. Scan/take a photo of receipt.

-Get paid!

Seriously. This one is my favorite of the apps so far. They give you extra bonus money for earning a certain amount of rebates per month (and even more if you have friends on your team), or just for random things (i.e. earn an extra $1 for earning $5 in rebates on 5/5/15 for Cinco De Mayo). I have only been using it about 2 months, and I've already earned almost $50. That's like $300 a year. Boo ya! You can use this for groceries, restaurants, clothing, etc. They really have all kinds of rebates at all kinds of stores. You can cash out as soon as you have $10 in your account and you can do it through PayPal, or by redeeming for giftcards to places like Walmart, Amazon, Bestbuy, Itunes, etc. Well, what are you waiting for?! Get downloading! :)
 

Receipt Hog

Ok, so this one doesn't net nearly as much as Ibotta, but I still love it because it's even more simple! Take a photo of your receipts, and get coins that you save up to redeem for money via PayPal or Amazon gift cards. They also have a fun feature that lets you play the "Hog Slots" for a chance to win bonus coins. This one takes a lot longer to earn rewards (unless you are a shop-o-holic, I guess!), but it is so simple and basic, it's silly not to use. Miles is constantly asking "Mom, do you have any spins?!" Even he likes to help us save money. Haha. Use my link to sign up and download it here, using my referral code: bew23589 to start out with bonus spins! It's a win, win!

Shopkick

You may have seen my Facebook post about this one awhile back. This is one is just as simple as Receipt Hog. It's as easy as 1-2-3.

1- Download app. Open app as you are walking in to stores you already shop at (think Walmart, Target, Costco, the mall, etc.) to earn "kicks."

2- Earn even more kicks by scanning specific products in the store (if you feel so inclined... This is totally optional, and you don't have to buy anything, just scan the product barcode in the app).

3-Save up and redeem kicks for giftcards to places like Target, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, Fandango, Old Navy, Lowes, etc.

I've earned $19 in Target gift cards by using it for about 2 months. You really can't beat free money! Make sure to sign up and download using my referral link here to help us both get even closer to earning another gift card. :)

Mobee

Ok, so I don't use Mobee as often as a use the other apps, but it's still pretty awesome. It's basically a mystery shopping experience. You complete short "missions" through the app (i.e. locate a display in a store and upload a photo of it) to earn points. Redeem these points for gift cards to places like Walmart, Best Buy, Amazon, Target, etc. I used it on one mission that took me 10 minutes and earned me a $10 Target gift card. Use my link here to sign up and download the app and you get a bonus 300 points to start off with! That's only 200 points away from a $5 Starbucks giftcard. Another win-win right there!

Ebates 

This one is a website, and not an app, but it still is a great way to earn extra money if you do any online shopping at all. You get a $10 free just to sign up, then you earn a percentage of cashback (usually 1-10%) for your online shopping. I especially love this one when I'm shopping for birthdays and holidays because it's an easy way to get something back for things I'm already planning to buy. Here's how it works:

-Sign up using my link here to start off with $10.

-Anytime you do online shopping, go to the Ebates website to search for the store you want to make a purchase at (i.e. Walmart.com). Click the link to be directed to the store's website. Make your purchase.

-Earn a percentage of cash back for your online purchase. Once you have $5 or more in your account, you get a check in the mail!

It's that simple. 

Well, there you have it. Do you have any other tried-and-true money making ideas? Or better yet, a garden full of dollar dollar bills, y'all? ;-)

rant about the patriarchy.

Today I came to a sad realization.

Our society has ridiculously unhealthy views of the female body.

Ok, so "duh!" right?

That's probably not a big shocker to anyone. Growing up as a girl/young women I was bombarded by unhealthy and unrealistic ideals about what my body "should" look like (thank you, Gisele Bündchen!) [Edited to note: of course, not really thanks to her, thanks to patriarchy.]. In our society, everywhere we turn there are images of women showing off their "perfect," sexy bodies, as if we could all live up to that stereotype.

I'll be the first to admit, that those images have had an effect on me. I'll never forget the self-esteem-crushing comments from my male peers in junior high about my "cottage cheese legs" or my insanely twisted desire for what is now deemed a "thigh gap."

Despite the unrealistic views portrayed in the media, I also grew up hearing the common reassurance that women and girls in magazines and TV are all air brushed and that their thinness and flawless beauty are not real. At the end of the day, as a woman in our society, I have still felt the sting of not living up to impossible standards we've set for women's bodies and let me tell ya, it sucks.

I sort of had a little epiphany at work today, though, that caused me to look at things in an even more depressing light. Not only am I (and other women and girls) constantly bombarded by images of how my perfect body should look, but I am told that my body is disgusting, gross, dirty, and shameful.

Think about it.

Menstruation. I'm sure you've all seen the viral video floating around Facebook about the girl who fakes getting her period whose mom throws her an embarrassing party to get even with her for lying. Despite the snark (that has become increasingly popular), we like to keep talk about periods under wraps (almost literally!). It's pretty cliche to see men in media totally horrified when asked to pick up "that-time-of-the-month" items for their wives/girlfriends. It's just so... gross. Right? I've been reading a book about fertility awareness, and the author references the feeling of being "dirty down there" that is so prevalent among girls and women who haven't been properly educated about their bodies. We tend to grow up with this idea that what is normal is actually dirty and disgusting.

I'll admit, I've even fed in to the awful stereotypes. While I've been exposed to a lot of "hippie-ish" attitudes towards the female body lately, specifically as it relates to birthing ("It's beautiful, it's blissful, it's totally normal and amazing what our bodies can do!"), I've still felt grossed out by a lot of aspects of labor and childbirth, even while going through it myself. I've made comments to people about just how gross things get.

Then today at work, one of my 14 year old male clients (I work at a treatment center for adolescents, in case you were wondering) asked me if my husband brought my baby to me at work everyday so I could feed him. His question was the result of passing my office and seeing the sign covering the window: "Feeding my baby. Check back in 10 minutes." that I put up while pumping.

The look on his face when I explained to him why I had the sign up was priceless. It was so indicative of the fact that we have a problem. His response was almost identical to another 13 year old male client who asked me the same question and was absolutely repulsed by that particular bodily function of mine.

Why is it so gross that I make milk to feed my baby? (Answer: it's not.)

Obviously, I am dealing with teenage boys here, and their views on girls/bodies/sex are immature and evolving, but I just found it absolutely saddening that we start boys so young (and really, everyone for that matter) with these negative perceptions about the female body being something gross and shameful.

My boobs are only beautiful if they are big, bouncy, and turning you on for sex. They are bizarre and gross if they are feeding my newborn baby.

My vagina is only beautiful if it's the pathway to pleasure for your penis. It's dirty and disgusting if it's menstruating, or giving birth.

Do the same negative perceptions exist for men about their "male parts?" Of course not! Penises aren't gross, they (and their size) are something to brag about! After all, boys will be boys.

So thank you, patriarchy, for not only whittling down my value to my body and whether or not it is "perfect" and thus pleasing to a man for sexual purposes, but for perpetuating disgust for what truly is normal and should be loveable about my body.

End rant.

P.S. Also saw this commercial tonight. It made me even more sad. Patriarchy for the win!