Catharsis.

Despite the helping profession's general shift away from Freud and his insight oriented therapy style, I find myself continually valuing the power of catharsis.

It always seems to pop up in the strangest of places.

Today I found some.

You may remember from this post or this post, or this one that I've recently discovered how much I love yoga.

Well, today that love was renewed when I participated in a yoga/writing retreat. This was the third such retreat that I have attended in the last year. Each one has been amazing, and exactly what I needed at the time. I learned a lot about myself in those hours of sun salutations and silly similes.

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so buckle up for the ride.

One moment that was particularly powerful during today's events was during a moment of meditation when I decided to go back and read some of the things I'd written during my first retreat. There I found this "letter to my 13 year old self:"

Dear Savannah,

I'm writing to let you know that everything is going to be ok. You have hard times coming your way, but you will survive. There will be times when you feel like the world is crashing down on you and you won't know how to hold it all up. Don't worry, it was never your responsibility to hold things together. There will be beauty in the fall-- you will probably notice only the misery, so keep your heart open to the beams of light filtering in from the dark clouds. I don't have to tell you not to give up, because I know you won't anyway. You are a fighter. Not to mention, you probably won't listen to a dang word I say anyway because you're so stubborn. You always have to explore things for yourself and feel your own pain. That will never change. But one thing I do want to tell you is: give yourself permission to fall, to fail, to make the worst mistakes. Have the courage to be imperfect. But most importantly, just be. Don't change a thing, because everything you are is for a reason.

Love,
    Me :)

Apparently I wrote that letter for not just my 13 year old self, but my 24 year old self, too. Those words were exactly what I needed to hear read right now.

You see, lately I have been stressing out about falling and failing, and making big mistakes. I am a mother, and what I do no longer just affects me. I have an adorable baby boy who depends on me for life. That terrifies me, and I am constantly worried about screwing him up or not being a good enough mother. I guess I needed this reminder that it's a good thing to be imperfect and that there is beauty in the breakdown.

Another profound moment was when I got home and read through the rest of the things I had written at the first retreat. I came across my response to a guided meditation which (apparently) focused on us having a conversation with our fear. After the exercise, we were told to write down what our fear said to us. I wrote:

"You are not in control."
"You are not in control."
"You are not in control."

The funny thing is, I totally forgot about that particular experience. And I can't say that I remember exactly what fear I was facing, even now looking back.

What I do know is that today we did a similar guided meditation in which we were asked to confront a fear we have right now and have a conversation with it. We were also told to ask it about it's purpose.

As you can imagine, I focused on my intense fear of being a mother and screwing up my poor, innocent child. Of something bad happening to him at my expense. When I first asked my fear what its purpose is in my life, I got the response: "to remind you of what you could be." But then as I prepared to exit the meditation, I got the overwhelming feeling that what my fear was really trying to say was, "You can't always have control. You need to be okay with that."

In the moment I thought it was kind of weird. I know I am quite the control freak, but I didn't see that particular issue to be extremely related to my current parenting fear.

Then when I got home and read my previous response, it really hit me how much my need to be in control interferes with all aspects of my life. I am now extremely curious to see how this inner battle plays out.

Remember when I warned you that this was going to be a long post?

Looks like I made good on that promise.

Just for Kix, I want to share my response to one of the last writing prompts we received today:

"What stifles you?":

Mindlessness.
Watching too much t.v.
Staying indoors on a perfect sunny day.
Utah county.
Speed limits.
2012 Fashion choices.
Having my cell phone always within arms reach.
Being finished with school and unsure about the future.
Work schedules.
Lack of sleep.
Not knowing how to cook.
The fact that I think better in lists.
A messy house.
Waking up to facebook.

My responses reminded me of some things that have been on my mind lately:

1. How much my life is ruled by technology and how I don't want the same for my child.
2. How I've forgotten what it's like to savor everyday moments with my baby because of the aforementioned technology, and how I want to change that. (See this blog post shared with me through facebook which served as added inspiration to make some changes in my life).
3. How much I love lists and how I haven't written much lately in this:

Speaking of lists, stay tuned for a future post with this summer's bucket list.

Until next time, folks.

As a parent...

As a teenager, I had a really rough relationship with my parents.

Basically, I hated them.

Luckily, since then, I have come to appreciate their craziness and love them in spite of it.

At the time, however, I made a list of things I wanted to do, or not do as a parent, so as not to repeat their mistakes. I recently found that list, and found it amusing, as I am now, officially a parent (to the world's most adorable baby, might I add) thus, should be living up to it.

As a parent...

I will let my kids have sleepovers whenever they want.

Uh, with all of the creepy people in this world, I think I may have to renegotiate this particular promise. And whenever they want? That may be a little extreme. Lets just say, I will be more amenable to sleepovers than my parents were, but I will use my *wise* judgement.

I will always have good food at my house.

Hmm... I don't even have this right now, so I think this one was just wishful thinking.

I will be a part of my kids' lives.

I will let my kids go to public school and I will help them with their homework.

Being home schooled was awful and I definitely won't submit my poor children to that lifestyle. Having me as a teacher? No way. As far as helping with homework, we'll just have to see how quickly my brain cells start dying, now that I'm not in school anymore.

I will not raise my voice or yell and I will not tolerate anyone doing so. Everyone will talk in a civilized manner.

I hope I can live up to my side of the bargain on this one, although one thing I have learned since being a teen is that I cannot control other people (as much as I would like to sometimes!).

I will let my kids hang out with their friends and take them places.

I will have fun things to do at my house so no one is ever bored.

My kids better love board games, books, and building play forts as much as I do! None of this video game, Ipad, blu ray, crap...

I will scrapbook and save our pictures.

Although I am not the most crafty person ever, I definitely want my kids to have something tangible to look back on when they want to reminisce (or learn what they were like when they were too young to remember).

I will be a friend to my kids (someone they want to talk to).

I will have a nice, clean, home where you can feel the spirit.

I guess I need to step up my game! :-P I obviously did not have children when I wrote this... My house wasn't even clean before Miles was born!

I will buy my kids school stuff and clothes and everything they need.

I will be home when they need me.

Although I have never had the desire to be a full-time, stay-at-home mom, I've always wanted to be there for my kids when they need me. Recently, I surprised even myself, when I decided to avoid establishing my full-time career until after my baby's first year. With all that I've learned about attachment (in school, and through my own problems with it), I've decided that Miles needs me more now than he probably ever will. I may be overly paranoid that if I "leave" him to work, he will not form a secure attachment and will be screwed up the rest of his life, but I still feel like erring on the side of caution with this one. I still plan to work part time (hello people, I still need a -grown up- life!), but Miles will be my main focus for awhile.

I will trust my kids and let them do things.

I will involve them in sports, music, and other things.

I will have scripture study daily (at dinner).

I can't remember the last time I read my scriptures daily. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I read my scriptures! I'm still trying to figure out how much religion I want in my own life... I'm not sure that I'll ever really find making a rigid scripture study an important part of my life or my kids' lives. I do hope to nurture their spirituality and to allow them to make their own choices about religion rather than forcing them to "Choose The Right."

I will have good meals and healthy snacks at all times.

Lets be honest. I'll never be perfect at this one. However, I will still try. In addition, I want to be active with my kids. Say no to obesity, America!

I will take my kids to church and teach them the gospel.

Well seeing as how Miles's first time at church was on his two month birthday, I don't have the greatest track record in this domain. I hope to figure out my feelings about "the gospel" soon enough to articulate to my son what I believe (and don't believe) and why. Then he can make the choice about what he believes and why.

I will love my kids and help them and just be a good friend.

I will tell my kids bedtime stories (especially ones of when I was young).

Now this one is going to require a good memory (which I really don't have!) Missy, how about we get together and record all of our fun times so that we don't forget 'em?? :)

I will keep a journal for each of my kids and help them (when they are able) to keep their own.

Writing has always been important in my life. Through it I have found solace, and in looking back on things I have written in the past, I have found... well, humor, really. I've already started a journal for Miles about how adorable he is so that in future (ahem, teenage) moments when I want to scream and kill him, I can look back and realize I really do love him. Buahaha.

I will be the neighborhood mom who all of the kids love.

I already have the cool Kool-aid pitcher thing going for me.

My house will be open to all of my kids' friends.

I've considered letting homeless people live with me. I'm pretty sure I can tolerate Miles's future stinky, sweaty, playmates.

I will teach my children to serve and do service projects with them.

I will learn how to be a first aid person, so if anything happens to my kids I will be able to help them.

Does downloading this Pocket First Aid and CPR app count?

I will have computers and stuff that they can play on and do school stuff.

While it's obvious that we will have a computer, I'm not sure how much time I want my kids wasting away their time on it. Bring on the bike rides and camping trips!

I won't let them watch trash t.v. and teach them why not to, so they won't want to.

Looks like I need to reform my own bad habits if I am ever to teach my kids this one...

I will stay by my kids' sides when they are sick or hurt.

Well folks, there you have it. My parenting pledge. Can you think of anything else I could possibly add?