Catharsis.

Despite the helping profession's general shift away from Freud and his insight oriented therapy style, I find myself continually valuing the power of catharsis.

It always seems to pop up in the strangest of places.

Today I found some.

You may remember from this post or this post, or this one that I've recently discovered how much I love yoga.

Well, today that love was renewed when I participated in a yoga/writing retreat. This was the third such retreat that I have attended in the last year. Each one has been amazing, and exactly what I needed at the time. I learned a lot about myself in those hours of sun salutations and silly similes.

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so buckle up for the ride.

One moment that was particularly powerful during today's events was during a moment of meditation when I decided to go back and read some of the things I'd written during my first retreat. There I found this "letter to my 13 year old self:"

Dear Savannah,

I'm writing to let you know that everything is going to be ok. You have hard times coming your way, but you will survive. There will be times when you feel like the world is crashing down on you and you won't know how to hold it all up. Don't worry, it was never your responsibility to hold things together. There will be beauty in the fall-- you will probably notice only the misery, so keep your heart open to the beams of light filtering in from the dark clouds. I don't have to tell you not to give up, because I know you won't anyway. You are a fighter. Not to mention, you probably won't listen to a dang word I say anyway because you're so stubborn. You always have to explore things for yourself and feel your own pain. That will never change. But one thing I do want to tell you is: give yourself permission to fall, to fail, to make the worst mistakes. Have the courage to be imperfect. But most importantly, just be. Don't change a thing, because everything you are is for a reason.

Love,
    Me :)

Apparently I wrote that letter for not just my 13 year old self, but my 24 year old self, too. Those words were exactly what I needed to hear read right now.

You see, lately I have been stressing out about falling and failing, and making big mistakes. I am a mother, and what I do no longer just affects me. I have an adorable baby boy who depends on me for life. That terrifies me, and I am constantly worried about screwing him up or not being a good enough mother. I guess I needed this reminder that it's a good thing to be imperfect and that there is beauty in the breakdown.

Another profound moment was when I got home and read through the rest of the things I had written at the first retreat. I came across my response to a guided meditation which (apparently) focused on us having a conversation with our fear. After the exercise, we were told to write down what our fear said to us. I wrote:

"You are not in control."
"You are not in control."
"You are not in control."

The funny thing is, I totally forgot about that particular experience. And I can't say that I remember exactly what fear I was facing, even now looking back.

What I do know is that today we did a similar guided meditation in which we were asked to confront a fear we have right now and have a conversation with it. We were also told to ask it about it's purpose.

As you can imagine, I focused on my intense fear of being a mother and screwing up my poor, innocent child. Of something bad happening to him at my expense. When I first asked my fear what its purpose is in my life, I got the response: "to remind you of what you could be." But then as I prepared to exit the meditation, I got the overwhelming feeling that what my fear was really trying to say was, "You can't always have control. You need to be okay with that."

In the moment I thought it was kind of weird. I know I am quite the control freak, but I didn't see that particular issue to be extremely related to my current parenting fear.

Then when I got home and read my previous response, it really hit me how much my need to be in control interferes with all aspects of my life. I am now extremely curious to see how this inner battle plays out.

Remember when I warned you that this was going to be a long post?

Looks like I made good on that promise.

Just for Kix, I want to share my response to one of the last writing prompts we received today:

"What stifles you?":

Mindlessness.
Watching too much t.v.
Staying indoors on a perfect sunny day.
Utah county.
Speed limits.
2012 Fashion choices.
Having my cell phone always within arms reach.
Being finished with school and unsure about the future.
Work schedules.
Lack of sleep.
Not knowing how to cook.
The fact that I think better in lists.
A messy house.
Waking up to facebook.

My responses reminded me of some things that have been on my mind lately:

1. How much my life is ruled by technology and how I don't want the same for my child.
2. How I've forgotten what it's like to savor everyday moments with my baby because of the aforementioned technology, and how I want to change that. (See this blog post shared with me through facebook which served as added inspiration to make some changes in my life).
3. How much I love lists and how I haven't written much lately in this:

Speaking of lists, stay tuned for a future post with this summer's bucket list.

Until next time, folks.