I think, therefore I am.

I have been doing a lot of pondering lately. Which is a weird thing for me, because usually my days are so filled with things (meaning for the most part, "things to do"). I have left very little time in my life for solitude or having any sort of intelligent thought at all, which I have discovered is quite unfortunate. There have been times in the past when I have felt that life was simply meaningless, and I was just sort of going through the motions. It was during those times that I was so focused on things, and things for things sake (if that makes any sense at all). Those were dark times, when my mind was not illuminated by the many benefits that come from.... pondering.

During this recent period of contemplation of mine, I have done a lot of introspection. I have spent time reflecting back on my life and discovering in many ways how my experiences have made me who I am today. It has been an interesting journey; not all my memories from the past are pleasantly reminiscable. (Yes, I just made up a new word.) I have discovered something about myself that I have always known, but never really done anything about.

I haven't the slightest clue who I am.

There, I said it. I mean, I know who I am, but not who I am. I am Savannah Parry Swanson, I am 23, I am a graduate student, I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a best friend. You get the picture. Those things tell you a little about me, but they don't tell you who I really am. And frankly, if you asked me, I'm not sure I could tell you exactly who I am, either. Which is sad. So I am giving myself an assignment to quit being a mindless wanderer in my own being, and search deep down inside until I discover what really makes me tick and what tickles my fancy. (Did you like my insertion of silly cliches?)

I feel sort of crazy, outing myself like this, but I have been reminded of an amazing quote that I heard during my intro to counseling and psychotherapy class (which was possibly the greatest class I have ever taken). It goes something like this:

"I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That the speaking profits me, beyond any other effect...And of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger...We can learn to speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken." -- Audre Lorde

Now, I realize that blogging is not exactly verbal communication, but I am one who believes in the power of the written word. So I am sharing with anyone who will listen, my journey into the psyche of Savannah. (Keep your arms, legs and head inside at all times, and enjoy the ride!)


To be continued....