I have discovered, after looking to the past, that I have this hovering black cloud belief that "change is impossible." In thinking about how I am going to contest this belief in order to find a greater sense of optimism and happiness in my life, I have realized that I am a person who is afraid of change. I don't just believe it is impossible, but I try and avoid it at all costs. It is a concept that I haven't quite learned to embrace.
This belief that change is impossible goes against all that I have been working for these past several years. I have to believe in the hope of change to some degree if I plan on making a difference to people, right? After all, "a difference" is "a change." I am reminded about a girl I worked with a couple years ago who also had a hard time with change. When she was in the process of transitioning to another treatment facility, she struggled a lot. She kept reminding me how much she hated change, yet I remember saying to her, "You say you hate change so much, but on the other hand, you tell me that I changed your life. Not all change is a bad thing." So how can I hold so tightly to a belief that is not only untrue, but opposed to the very principles on which therapy (my future career) exists? That is a good question, and one I am trying to figure out right now.
I think I believe that change is impossible, because I have had people in my life who haven't changed one bit. They are still the bitter, angry people they always have been and always will be. I know there is something not quite right about predicting the future for people, but one thing I have heard a lot in my job is that "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." So, what else am I to do? I'm not going to deny that I have a very pessimistic view of the world and people and this is also probably at work when it comes to this belief, but we are and we do what we know... right?
To get a little more personal, I think that one of the reasons I believe change is impossible for me, is not just because I am afraid of changes, but I am afraid of trying to change. I'm afraid of what it will mean if I try and it doesn't work. I am afraid of failing, so I think in some ways I inadvertently sabotage any attempts to BE any different that I already am. I'm a perfectionist and it is easier to be the angry, confused, indecisive, pessimistic me that I worry I will always be. The times that I have tried to be different, I have always come back to what I am used to. I think that in some ways that is human nature, but I also worry that is also a testament to just how screwed up I really am.
I mean, I have hope that other people can change, at least to a point. I have worked with some pretty difficult kids at work, and although these individuals have suffered through a difficult past and have a long way to go to begin living a remotely good and happy life, I have believed in each of them and their ability to change. So what's my problem with myself? Could this issue possibly go deeper? Could it be that my lack of faith in my own change is related to my lack of esteem and sense of self-worth? I thought that my self-hatred was buried in the past, but perhaps my pervasive depreciating beliefs are surfacing in more subtle, self-sabotaging ways. I shudder at the thought.
I think over the years, I have learned to accept my flaws and forgive myself. I used to be very rigid in my perfectionism. I remember struggling during my first few years in college with the concept of repentance and forgiveness. I have always been extremely hard on myself about everything. During this particular time, I would do my best to apologize to God for my many mistakes, I would start making better choices and to move on, yet I would constantly become frustrated and discouraged when I kept returning to the same habits and behaviors I was trying to repent of in the first place. I don't think I ever really had faith in the process, and as a result, to fail just made me feel worse about myself and the gospel. This just reinforced my underlying belief that it is impossible to change.
A few years down the road, I learned a very valuable lesson while working with an extremely difficult girl at work. I learned that despite this girl's many imperfections, despite the hell she put me and other staff through, despite the abuse she had suffered and the poor relationships she had with her family members, she still had incredible worth as a person and I loved seeing her make some incredible changes over the course of her treatment. Working with her made me a better, stronger person and afterwards I found it easier to love people around me and to have a greater sense of empathy. At one point during the time I was working with her, I was reading in Moroni and found some very inspirational verses.
Moroni 7:45-47
"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail--But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."
After working with her for a long time, I realized I had begun to feel this incredible love for her, and for others. Though I'm sure I felt love for people before that, I never had a experienced a love quite so great. I began to realize that if I could feel this kind of love for someone else, than imagine what kind of love the Savior felt for me, despite all of my many mistakes and imperfections. I think it was then that I finally accepted that someone could love me like that, and that he did, and that I didn't need to be perfect to feel that love. I finally found some kind of faith in love and in repentance and in change. I think I began to realize that change and betterment is an ongoing process. It's not a "one time and then you are done" kind of thing. It's ok if we repeat our mistakes a million times over. We just need to remember to pick ourselves back up and remember that despite all, at the end of the day we are still loved PERFECTLY by the person who matters most. He knows we can't change all at once and that it's a process, not an outcome.
The hard part is, I don't seem to remember this on an everyday basis. My mind is so hardwired in its pessimistic outlook that I struggle to remember this very powerful lesson I learned the long and the hard way. I guess I already know how to contest this belief I have that "change is impossible." The battle now is to remember, to practice and to keep believing. So this week, I think my mantra will be, "Change is difficult. It is an ongoing process, laden with mistakes and let downs. It is not perfect, but it is real and it is attainable."
Whew, well how's that for insight and catharsis? I feel exhausted.
No comments:
Post a Comment