My long awaited summer reading list.

When Miles was born and Brett stayed at home with me for the first week, we got addicted to the Game Show Network, particularly Family Feud.

Although I watch a lot less TV now that Miles is older, I will still cross my fingers and check GSN for our beloved show once in awhile while Miles is eating or napping, or when I'm just having a really bad day and need a pick me up.

The other day, during the "fast money" round at the end, one of the questions was: "When was the last time you read a book?"

The first guy's answer was "3 months ago." The second lady's answer was "1 month ago."

WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!

Are there really people out there who read so little? The thought absolutely SADDENS me. (Probably more so because I know it's probably true.) There is nothing better than curling up with a good book. Well, aside from having a sleeping baby, that is.

Although the summer is almost over, here are the books I will snuggling up to in the upcoming days/weeks/months (and some that I have already finished since school got out):

 And the few from last summer's reading list that I didn't quite get to:

 What's on your summer reading list this year?

Summer Bucket List Part III

Wow.

The summer is nearly over (*cry*) and I still have yet to create my traditional summer bucket list. I guess better late than never, right?

I've also decided to keep my "never ending to-do list" separate from the my CRAZY FUN bucket list. That way when I look at it, I don't get depressed and overwhelmed like I did two years ago after returning to this.

Unfortunately, there were some things on last summer's bucket list that had to be given up due to the fact that Miles was growing inside of me (eew!). So let's start by transferring those to this year's list and actually making them a reality...

1. Lagoon with friends.

2. Sunday bike rides. (Ok, really this will now have to be walks because last summer we dug our bikes out of the shed only to realize that the tires are un-pumpably flat. Either that or we are both just too stupid to operate the tire pump, which is also a likely possibility.)

3. Lose 5 pounds and 2.5% body fat. Oh wait, let's make that: lose 20 pounds and as much body fat as possible!

4. Camping and paintball with the fam.

5. Get both cars deep cleaned. (Yeah, I think last summer I was just too lazy for this... Not sure how much of that had to do with actually being pregnant...)

Wow, that was a lot to carry over. Now let's add fun things to the list that we've already done this summer. Is that ridiculously lame and pathetic? Well in case you haven't seen me lately, I've pretty much become ridiculously lame and pathetic.

6. Carnival fun.

7. Take Miles to Seven Peaks a bunch.

8. Warped Tour!!! (You can read all about it in one of my previous posts.)

9. Fourth of July festivities in Milford.

10. Double date nights with the sis and cousins.

Now let's finish this thing off with a bang!

11. Take Miles to the beach for the first time.

12. Swanson family reunion fun in St. George.

13. Eat tons of snowcones (BTW- best snow cone shack ever is at the Will's Canyon Stop just before Provo Canyon. $1.50  gets you the world's biggest snowcone. Brain freeze, anyone?)

14. Finish reading the Hunger Games series with Brett, along with the rest of my summer reading list (which will likely be the topic of my next blog post).

15. Hike somewhere that has a waterfall.

16. Campfire and s'mores.

17. Picnic at the park.

18. Swapmeet at Coalville.

19. Watch the olympics on t.v.

20. Try to start conquering my ever growing and never ending to-do list (also likely to be one of my next blog posts).

Is there even enough of the summer left to enjoy such delights? I sure hope so.

Hope for humanity.

Lately my days have been feeling pretty empty and meaningless. Can I just tell you how bad I hate being a stay-at-home-mother?

But then I stumbled across this blog via my newest addiction, pinterest.

In case you are too lazy to go to the link, it's a blog describing how to put together "blessing bags" to give to homeless people. I read a lot of the comments on this particular blog post (I know, I'm one of THOSE people), and I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about these "blessing bags."

For one thing, if you are going to truly help a homeless person, you shouldn't shove free deoderant in their face, you should give them a place to take a shower and sleep for the night. I wish I had the guts to offer every homeless person I saw my spare bedroom. Alas, there are far too many truly freaky people out there (most of which are not actually homeless), and I'm too poor to afford a hotel room for everyone I see holding cardboard signs next to Wal-Mart.

While all of the things in these goody bags are given as a nice gesture, I still feel that they are somewhat demeaning. I feel like the message they communicate is:

"I don't want to touch you with a 39 1/2 foot pole, but I still want to consider myself Christian so I'm going to give you a Bible and some things from the dollar store to improve the quality of your life. Of course I won't give you money, because everyone knows you will spend it on drugs or booze. I definitely won't take more than 30 seconds out of my day to help you any further, but throwing this bag at you from the window of my pimped out Escalade makes me a good person, right?"

I truly hate the stereotype that all homeless people are drunks and druggies who will spend any money given to them on booze and cocaine. In a lot of the comments on the blog, people talk about putting giftcards to Starbucks or sticking a mere quarter for a phone call in the "blessing bags." Don't actually give them money!!

What if the person hates coffee? What if they have no one to call? That quarter could maybe get them 5 M&Ms from a candy machine at the local Jiffy Lube.

Who are we to judge and say how they will spend money? I'm reminded of a scripture that was pointed out in one of my classes during the first semester of my masters program. I can't remember if it was from the Bible or BOM, (and I'm too lazy to try and find it so I actually look credible), but basically it said that you should just give the poor the money, and let them do with it what they will. That is how you get blessings, folks. Not by judging God's children and witholding because you  think you know what is best for them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get after people for trying to help the homeless. I think it's just the BIG thinker in me that gets irritated when people try to do something so SMALL to solve a problem that deserves so much more attention than a trip to the dollar store and a family home evening putting together ziplock bags of goodness.

In fact, that's why I have mixed feelings about this idea. Because somehow, even though I really like the motto, "Go big or go home," I still know and believe that sometimes you have to start small, and that little things do add up to big and miraculous things.

And because I want my children to change the world, I want to start small with them when they are small; helping them create a little "blessing bag" for a homeless person while educating them about the issue of homelessness and showing them how to love and help everyone (in small and big ways) could be a great way to do that.

Gah. I just can't make up my mind. I told you I had mixed feelings about this.

On a more optimistic side note, stumbling across this idea did remind me of the few times I've found a glimmer of hope for humanity in the last few years...

...When the guest staying at the Abbey Inn (during my days at the front desk) gave me $100 bill in an envelope with a kind note telling me to "put this towards your big day"after overhearing me talking to my coworker about how stressed I was about paying for my own wedding cuz I didn't want my parents to worry about the money.

...When people driving by the lemonade/snowcone stand my sister and I manned every summer in front of our house growing up would stop and buy a glass to enjoy in their perfectly air conditioned vehicle and tell us to "keep the change" from the $5 bill they handed us. -Side note- A few days ago, Miles and I were walking home from the grocery store and a couple boys were selling bags of cherries on the corner. It felt so good to give them a $5 bill (the cherries were $1), and telling them to keep the change!

...When I lost my sister's camera in a mosh-pit at the Big Ass show, someone actually responded to the "missing" ad I posted on KSL about it and returned it.

...When the lady at the store bought my husband "Ernest Saves Christmas" because he was telling her how much he loved it while they were in the checkout line.

I guess "little" things really can be "big" things after all.

The Best of Warped Tour.

Saturday I enjoyed what will probably be my last Warped Tour for awhile. Somehow frying in the hot sun for ten hours is losing its appeal. Either that or I'm just getting old.

Although I didn't make my way through the crowd to mosh with the best of them (as is my usual tradition), I still enjoyed the day, chillin' in the shade with my awesome bro, listening to some kick ass bands from a distance.

Since I am a sucker for nostalgia, I figured I would do a tribute post to highlight the best of Warped Tours past:

July 17, 2004 Year One.

Bands:

Alkaline Trio, Anti-Flag, Bad Religion, Bouncing Souls, Coheed and Cambria*, Flogging Molly, Letter Kills, Motion City Soundtrack, My Chemical Romance, New Found Glory, NOFX, Senses Fail*, Story of the Year*, Taking Back Sunday, The Casualties, The Early November, The F-Ups*,Thursday, Yellowcard*.

After having some car troubles at Betos (and having to be jump started by some random guy), my best friend, Hillary and I finally got on the road. We got completely lost, but eventually made it to the fairgrounds. After waiting in the world's longest line to get in, we made it through the crowd to hear Story of the Year, who, may I say, SUCKED live. I was majorly disappointed, as they were one of my favorite bands at the time. Nevertheless, we still had an amazing day. We met up with my crazy friend Luis

who introduced us to Senses Fail,

who played an amazing set, for the record.

Highlights:

Meeting The F-Ups. After listening to them rock out on stage, we hung out with them back at their tent and giddily had them sign our Warped Tour programs. Ha.

July 16, 2005 Year Two.

Bands:

The All American Rejects*, Armor for Sleep, Big D and the Kid's Table*, Billy Idol*, A Change of Pace*, Drop Kick Murphys*, Fall Out Boy*, From First to Last, Gogol Bordello*, Greeley Estates, Halifax, Hawthorne Heights, Hidden in Plain View, Horrorpops*, Matchbook Romance*, The Matches*, Mest, Motion City Soundtrack, MXPX, My Chemical Romance, The Offspring, Relient K, Reggie and the Full Effect*, Rufio, Senses Fail*, Silverstein, Simple Plan*, The Starting Line*, The Transplants*, Underoath.

Highlights:

Meeting The Matches (pardon my poor editing out of the world's dumbest ex-boyfriend who hogged the photo ops all day)

Rocking out with A Change of Pace

July 22, 2006 Year Three.

Bands:

The Academy Is...*, Anti-Flag*, The Audition, Billy Talent, The Bouncing Souls*, From First to Last*, Greeley Estates*, Hellogoodbye*, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts*, Less Than Jake, The Living End*, Motion City Soundtrack*, NOFX*, The Pink Spiders, Rise Against*, Senses Fail*.

-side note- I swear we also saw Cartel.

Highlights:

It was my birthday!!!!! And my BFF Brent came with me this year.

Wearing this awesome shirt I made that was the hit of the day. SO many people talked to me, I felt so cool. Haha.

Immediately after arriving, rocking out to an amazing band (Greeley Estates) and passing out from exhaustion afterwards.

Meeting an amazing new band (The Sunstreak), who gave me a free shirt and signed CD because it was my birthday. We rocked out to them later at a small stage, which was sadly the only time I've ever been able to see them live!

Getting an Anti-Flag shirt for my BFF Hillary for her birthday, because she wasn't able to come to the show with me this year.

Rocking out to The Living End who were crazy mo-fos on stage.

Having the world's worst sunburn that hurt so bad I couldn't wear a real shirt for days afterwards!

July 7, 2007. Year Four.

Bands:

Anberlin*, Bad Religion*, Big D and the Kid's Table*, The Matches*, New Found Glory*, Pennywise*, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus*, The Spill Canvas*, The Starting Line*, Yellowcard*.

Sadly, I could not find any picture evidence that we actually went to this year's show, although I do have a ticket stub to prove it.

Highlights:

It was Missy and my new (at the time) boyfriend Brett's very first time at Warped! (Although according to Brett, this was the first year I started being lame at Warped Tour and not getting into the crowds for every band.

June 28, 2008 Year Five.

Bands: The Academy Is...*, Anberlin*, Angels and Airwaves*, The Audition*, Greeley Estates*, Reel Big Fish*, Relient K*, Story of the Year*, 3OH!3*.

Again, no picture evidence that I could find, but we were there!

Highlights:

We had seen 3OH!3 in Vegas when they were on tour with Sum 41. They were ridiculously hilarious and crazy on stage during that show, which got us into them. This year at Warped Tour, we enjoyed seeing their theatrics again on one of the smaller stages.

Hearing "Wrong the Right," an F-Ups song blaring from a smaller stage and sticking around to catch a drumstick from the band  who turned out to be Hang 'Em High. After the set, we went and talked to the lead singer, who turned out to be Travis, the lead singer of the F-Ups! He was telling us that after The F-Ups broke up, he and his brother and some of the former members of the band had reformed and became Hang 'Em High. It was crazy, awesome to run into him! Of course he signed the drumstick I had caught, and had all the band members sign it too.

While walking around, we found a booth with a bunch of "Streaker" stuff, and realized it was one of the guys from The Sunstreak. We talked to him for awhile and found out they were trying to record new stuff but were having issues with various labels, so they were trying to make their own.

August 8, 2009 Year Six.

Bands:

A Day to Remember*, Bad Religion*, Big D and the Kid's Table*, Escape the Fate*, Less Than Jake*, Medina Lake*, NOFX*, Scary Kids Scaring Kids*, Senses Fail*, There for Tomorrow*, 3OH!3*.

 --don't ask me what the eff I'm pointing at...

Highlights:

It was Jared's first year at Warped!

Rocking out to Medina Lake and then meeting them aftewards.

Being extremely disappointed in 3OH!3's performance. Now that they had gotten big, they no longer put on their fun, dorky show.

~We skipped 2010-2011's shows, because there weren't enough good bands going to make it worth our while.~

June 16, 2012 Year Seven.

Bands:

Anti-Flag*, I Fight Dragons*, New Found Glory*, Senses Fail*, Taking Back Sunday*, The Used*, We the Kings*, Yellowcard* You Me at Six.*

Highlights:

Leaving our own little rocker at home for the day was hard. One day we will bring him with us to shows.

Feeling like a celebrity when I got asked to write on the "Fears Vs. Dreams" board and get my picture taken at the TWLOHA tent (because I was wearing my old TWLOHA shirt).

Bringing my brother Ammon to his first Warped Tour and rocking out to one of his bands, I Fight Dragons.

Chilling in the shade as much as possible (while being dorks of course).

Seeing people walking around with these

on their bodies, and finally finding the tent they were getting them from which just so happened to be Streaker Records (I knew it!). We talked to Jason from the Sunstreak,and found out they successfully created their own label, and have put out another CD since their EP. Awesome! We also got to listen to one of their new songs which was sweet.

Spotting the drummer from Yellowcard walking around with his girlfriend towards the end of the day. I SWEAR I've seen him in the most random of places every time they come to town!

And of course I can't forget our famous Warped Tour traditions!!!:

-Picking up Texano burritos from Betos to eat on the drive up.

-Parking for free at the Chinese buffet across the street from the fairgrounds (although this was the first year they had people enforcing paid parking in that lot, so we parked down the street in front of someone's house instead...)

-Being so wiped out at the end of the day, that we almost die of exhaustion.

All in all, Warped Tour has been a huge part of my life. I have discovered new bands, and rocked out to some of my old favorites. Although we may not go back for a few more years, here's a toast to the memories!


*=bands I'm at least 99% positive we saw. Sadly in my old age, I'm losing my mind and can't guarantee that we actually made it to see the rest of the bands listed (although I'm pretty sure we saw most of them).

Catharsis.

Despite the helping profession's general shift away from Freud and his insight oriented therapy style, I find myself continually valuing the power of catharsis.

It always seems to pop up in the strangest of places.

Today I found some.

You may remember from this post or this post, or this one that I've recently discovered how much I love yoga.

Well, today that love was renewed when I participated in a yoga/writing retreat. This was the third such retreat that I have attended in the last year. Each one has been amazing, and exactly what I needed at the time. I learned a lot about myself in those hours of sun salutations and silly similes.

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so buckle up for the ride.

One moment that was particularly powerful during today's events was during a moment of meditation when I decided to go back and read some of the things I'd written during my first retreat. There I found this "letter to my 13 year old self:"

Dear Savannah,

I'm writing to let you know that everything is going to be ok. You have hard times coming your way, but you will survive. There will be times when you feel like the world is crashing down on you and you won't know how to hold it all up. Don't worry, it was never your responsibility to hold things together. There will be beauty in the fall-- you will probably notice only the misery, so keep your heart open to the beams of light filtering in from the dark clouds. I don't have to tell you not to give up, because I know you won't anyway. You are a fighter. Not to mention, you probably won't listen to a dang word I say anyway because you're so stubborn. You always have to explore things for yourself and feel your own pain. That will never change. But one thing I do want to tell you is: give yourself permission to fall, to fail, to make the worst mistakes. Have the courage to be imperfect. But most importantly, just be. Don't change a thing, because everything you are is for a reason.

Love,
    Me :)

Apparently I wrote that letter for not just my 13 year old self, but my 24 year old self, too. Those words were exactly what I needed to hear read right now.

You see, lately I have been stressing out about falling and failing, and making big mistakes. I am a mother, and what I do no longer just affects me. I have an adorable baby boy who depends on me for life. That terrifies me, and I am constantly worried about screwing him up or not being a good enough mother. I guess I needed this reminder that it's a good thing to be imperfect and that there is beauty in the breakdown.

Another profound moment was when I got home and read through the rest of the things I had written at the first retreat. I came across my response to a guided meditation which (apparently) focused on us having a conversation with our fear. After the exercise, we were told to write down what our fear said to us. I wrote:

"You are not in control."
"You are not in control."
"You are not in control."

The funny thing is, I totally forgot about that particular experience. And I can't say that I remember exactly what fear I was facing, even now looking back.

What I do know is that today we did a similar guided meditation in which we were asked to confront a fear we have right now and have a conversation with it. We were also told to ask it about it's purpose.

As you can imagine, I focused on my intense fear of being a mother and screwing up my poor, innocent child. Of something bad happening to him at my expense. When I first asked my fear what its purpose is in my life, I got the response: "to remind you of what you could be." But then as I prepared to exit the meditation, I got the overwhelming feeling that what my fear was really trying to say was, "You can't always have control. You need to be okay with that."

In the moment I thought it was kind of weird. I know I am quite the control freak, but I didn't see that particular issue to be extremely related to my current parenting fear.

Then when I got home and read my previous response, it really hit me how much my need to be in control interferes with all aspects of my life. I am now extremely curious to see how this inner battle plays out.

Remember when I warned you that this was going to be a long post?

Looks like I made good on that promise.

Just for Kix, I want to share my response to one of the last writing prompts we received today:

"What stifles you?":

Mindlessness.
Watching too much t.v.
Staying indoors on a perfect sunny day.
Utah county.
Speed limits.
2012 Fashion choices.
Having my cell phone always within arms reach.
Being finished with school and unsure about the future.
Work schedules.
Lack of sleep.
Not knowing how to cook.
The fact that I think better in lists.
A messy house.
Waking up to facebook.

My responses reminded me of some things that have been on my mind lately:

1. How much my life is ruled by technology and how I don't want the same for my child.
2. How I've forgotten what it's like to savor everyday moments with my baby because of the aforementioned technology, and how I want to change that. (See this blog post shared with me through facebook which served as added inspiration to make some changes in my life).
3. How much I love lists and how I haven't written much lately in this:

Speaking of lists, stay tuned for a future post with this summer's bucket list.

Until next time, folks.

As a parent...

As a teenager, I had a really rough relationship with my parents.

Basically, I hated them.

Luckily, since then, I have come to appreciate their craziness and love them in spite of it.

At the time, however, I made a list of things I wanted to do, or not do as a parent, so as not to repeat their mistakes. I recently found that list, and found it amusing, as I am now, officially a parent (to the world's most adorable baby, might I add) thus, should be living up to it.

As a parent...

I will let my kids have sleepovers whenever they want.

Uh, with all of the creepy people in this world, I think I may have to renegotiate this particular promise. And whenever they want? That may be a little extreme. Lets just say, I will be more amenable to sleepovers than my parents were, but I will use my *wise* judgement.

I will always have good food at my house.

Hmm... I don't even have this right now, so I think this one was just wishful thinking.

I will be a part of my kids' lives.

I will let my kids go to public school and I will help them with their homework.

Being home schooled was awful and I definitely won't submit my poor children to that lifestyle. Having me as a teacher? No way. As far as helping with homework, we'll just have to see how quickly my brain cells start dying, now that I'm not in school anymore.

I will not raise my voice or yell and I will not tolerate anyone doing so. Everyone will talk in a civilized manner.

I hope I can live up to my side of the bargain on this one, although one thing I have learned since being a teen is that I cannot control other people (as much as I would like to sometimes!).

I will let my kids hang out with their friends and take them places.

I will have fun things to do at my house so no one is ever bored.

My kids better love board games, books, and building play forts as much as I do! None of this video game, Ipad, blu ray, crap...

I will scrapbook and save our pictures.

Although I am not the most crafty person ever, I definitely want my kids to have something tangible to look back on when they want to reminisce (or learn what they were like when they were too young to remember).

I will be a friend to my kids (someone they want to talk to).

I will have a nice, clean, home where you can feel the spirit.

I guess I need to step up my game! :-P I obviously did not have children when I wrote this... My house wasn't even clean before Miles was born!

I will buy my kids school stuff and clothes and everything they need.

I will be home when they need me.

Although I have never had the desire to be a full-time, stay-at-home mom, I've always wanted to be there for my kids when they need me. Recently, I surprised even myself, when I decided to avoid establishing my full-time career until after my baby's first year. With all that I've learned about attachment (in school, and through my own problems with it), I've decided that Miles needs me more now than he probably ever will. I may be overly paranoid that if I "leave" him to work, he will not form a secure attachment and will be screwed up the rest of his life, but I still feel like erring on the side of caution with this one. I still plan to work part time (hello people, I still need a -grown up- life!), but Miles will be my main focus for awhile.

I will trust my kids and let them do things.

I will involve them in sports, music, and other things.

I will have scripture study daily (at dinner).

I can't remember the last time I read my scriptures daily. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I read my scriptures! I'm still trying to figure out how much religion I want in my own life... I'm not sure that I'll ever really find making a rigid scripture study an important part of my life or my kids' lives. I do hope to nurture their spirituality and to allow them to make their own choices about religion rather than forcing them to "Choose The Right."

I will have good meals and healthy snacks at all times.

Lets be honest. I'll never be perfect at this one. However, I will still try. In addition, I want to be active with my kids. Say no to obesity, America!

I will take my kids to church and teach them the gospel.

Well seeing as how Miles's first time at church was on his two month birthday, I don't have the greatest track record in this domain. I hope to figure out my feelings about "the gospel" soon enough to articulate to my son what I believe (and don't believe) and why. Then he can make the choice about what he believes and why.

I will love my kids and help them and just be a good friend.

I will tell my kids bedtime stories (especially ones of when I was young).

Now this one is going to require a good memory (which I really don't have!) Missy, how about we get together and record all of our fun times so that we don't forget 'em?? :)

I will keep a journal for each of my kids and help them (when they are able) to keep their own.

Writing has always been important in my life. Through it I have found solace, and in looking back on things I have written in the past, I have found... well, humor, really. I've already started a journal for Miles about how adorable he is so that in future (ahem, teenage) moments when I want to scream and kill him, I can look back and realize I really do love him. Buahaha.

I will be the neighborhood mom who all of the kids love.

I already have the cool Kool-aid pitcher thing going for me.

My house will be open to all of my kids' friends.

I've considered letting homeless people live with me. I'm pretty sure I can tolerate Miles's future stinky, sweaty, playmates.

I will teach my children to serve and do service projects with them.

I will learn how to be a first aid person, so if anything happens to my kids I will be able to help them.

Does downloading this Pocket First Aid and CPR app count?

I will have computers and stuff that they can play on and do school stuff.

While it's obvious that we will have a computer, I'm not sure how much time I want my kids wasting away their time on it. Bring on the bike rides and camping trips!

I won't let them watch trash t.v. and teach them why not to, so they won't want to.

Looks like I need to reform my own bad habits if I am ever to teach my kids this one...

I will stay by my kids' sides when they are sick or hurt.

Well folks, there you have it. My parenting pledge. Can you think of anything else I could possibly add?

What's in a name?

Among the million things about being pregnant that are stressful, picking a name for your child has got to be at the top of the list.

We still haven't decided on a name for this little guy (aside from his glorified nickname: Pookie).

I've given up on convincing Brett to agree to the name that I've determined is perfect for our son... I'm sort of hoping that once the little guy is born, Brett will have an epiphany and realize just how right I am. A girl can dream, right?

As I was looking through old texts the other day, I came across a conversation I had about baby names with my twelve-year-old little sister. It went something like this:

Caroline: Any names picked out yet?
Savannah: Yes and no.
Caroline: What are some of them?
Savannah: Allister.
Caroline: I think I have to help you come up with names OBVIOUSLY.
Savannah: No. :-P I have good names thank you very much.
Caroline: If that's a sample you need help (my professional help :))

Maybe I am in need of some professional help. We're running out of time, here!