My best friend's wedding.

In my attempt to clean out my closet so to speak, I have discovered a lot of precious memories. This one was found in the form of an English 1010 paper written during my first semester at Dixie. I love how much I am entertained by myself... reading this thing seriously cracked. me. up.  And Hillary, if you are reading this, I love you, and I hope none of this offends you... :)

My Best Friend's Wedding

My best friend's wedding. Every time I say those words, I think of Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz fighting for their main. But for me, it just about sums up the end of my summer. Ever since we became friends in high school, Hillary and I have been inseparable. We've shared Cokes, we've shared clothes, we've shared lives.

When she first told me she was getting married, I was ecstatic. I am a sucker for weddings, so the opportunity to go to another was something to look forward to. Her choice of life partners left something to be desired (at least in my eyes), but if she was happy, then I guess I could be too.

As the time grew near, however, I began to grow more and more uneasy about the whole thing. I had dreams about her running away on the big day (hmm, sounds like another Julia Roberts movie to me...) and our other best friend, Gus, also asked me if I thought Hill would really follow through with it.

Maybe a week before the wedding, Hillary herself called me up, worried she might not be doing the right thing. I told her what it would take and the sacrifices she'd be making, but she concluded, "I love Matt. I know I do. I'm sure we'll be fine." I didn't feel too reassured.

Matt just didn't come off as the greatest kid to me. And he was indeed a kid. Nineteen and didn't have a clue what he was doing in life. He smoked, he drank, and he scared me to death when he got pissed off. The fact that he graduated from Job Corps to be a welder for a living, didn't exactly impress me much, either.

The day we went to the bridal shop to try on our bridesmaid dresses, I about flipped. They were the ugliest color of green I had ever seen! Not only that, but they were so tight and restricting, I wasn't sure I'd be able to walk up the aisle in it, much less breathe while trying.

We all giggled about it, and formed a line to help each other zip up the backs. Just our typical girl bonding. We joked that we needed to have one last girls' night before the big day because we would never get the opportunity again.

We set a date, although it didn't turn out to be the old, girly high school sleepover complete with chick flicks and makeovers like we had planned. Instead we went out to eat at the Olive Garden where we stuffed ourselves full of shrimp and pasta. Then we watched "The Wedding Planner" (the bride-to-be falling asleep halfway through it), and went our separate ways.

I didn't think the whole "end of summer, right before school starts" idea was all that hot, and when I got a call from Hillary two days before the wedding saying I needed a date, I flipped out yet again.

"Are you serious?!" I inquired. "Who says you need a date to your best friend's wedding? Couldn't you have told me this a little sooner?" I mean, I've got a few guys around, but none who want to drop everything to walk me up the aisle in a tux. "Well you can always use my twelve-year-old little brother..." Hillary giggles. "But you most definitely need an escort."

So the search began. Everyone was either working or going to school somewhere far away. I must say, I'm not one for luck. But finally an eligible bachelor swung my way. Good ol' Stuart, my long time ago ex. Who cares that he recently dated Gus who dumped him for her new boyfriend who did I mention? is her escort for this wonderous occasion. Talk about life drama. Good thing my friends are chill and didn't really make a big deal of it.

Ten-o-clock on a Saturday morning, rehearsing the ceremony, wasn't exactly how I planned on starting my day, either. The next hour was spent searching for love songs to compile onto a CD for the recception later that evening. Of course, me and Gus took way longer than expected and had all of ten minutes to put ourselves together complete with hair and makeup. I must say we did a pretty darn good job. The smell of singed hair, deoderant, perfume and hair spray won't soon be forgotten.

Then for the drive to Hillary's. The ceremony started at one, but pictures were at noon, all in her neighbor's backyard. We sprinted up the porch steps, and the moment I opened the door and saw Hillary getting ready, I gasped. She looked exquisite, her hair in cute little curls, and wearing lipstick, the first time that's happened since I've known her.

Then it was time for dresses. Us bridesmaids squeezed into ours then it was time for the big one. The whole time I just had to be closest to Hillary. I am after all her best friend. I have rights, right? Her mom just glared. I helped Hill slip into her dress, but not before she showed us all her "blue" superman underwear. What a champ.

We loaded her into her mother's "midlife crisis" convertible, looking very much like Wedding Barbie or Miss America, only ten times more gorgeous. Then it finally hits me. In a half hour, my best friend is going to be married. The one who's grown up being my "twin." The one I cry to, the one who loves me for the wacko I am, because she's just as crazy. The one who bitch slapped me in Driver's Ed in front of the whole class cuz she thought I was trying to steal her man. Soon everything will be different.

We drive across the street and unload all the poufs of satin and lace and lower this lovely girl to the ground. We spend a few minutes taking pictures and hugging before the final moment. Then it's here... We're walking up the aisle. We take our seats and the two of them stand there. Matt and Hillary, eyes sparkling at each other, looking very much in love.

They take their vows, they cheesily kiss, then he walks her back up the aisle, now as husband and wife. It's all over. I always figured I'd be first, but sure Hillary would be the one to prove me wrong. I lost my best friend that day. So young and crazy. But she seemed happy. I hope with all my heart it stays that way. If not, Matt will have a run in with all us bridesmaids. And I can guarantee we won't be wearing those hideous dresses.

This just about sums it all up.

I have no space
no room to move around
and this box is getting smaller
I'm trying to get out

How did I get so far
from where I was
when did I decide
to lose my way
who have I become

I've got a new low
all 52 cards in a row
I see now that I won't let go
no I won't let go

Well who am I?
a cold shoulder left to cry
you feel bad, well so do I
yeah so do I

I've been right
I've been left
I've been wrong
I've been left behind
I've been up but mostly down

I can not help feeling like
I have so much at stake
so I lock myself inside my head
and I just run in place

So many directions I don't
know which way to go
I'm so busy doing nothing
I got nothing to show

I make mistakes
just like everybody else
but instead of letting go of it
I can't forgive myself

Well I did my time
in the windowless box
like it or not
all I got now is today
tomorrow aint here
and yesterday is gone dead on me anyway

pour mes ambitions futures

Je vais finir mes études "undergraduate" à une université en Orem- UVSC. Après ça, Je compte me marier mon fiance Brett. Je tiens a étudier à Columbia University à NY, donc nous devons déménager! Nous allons voyager à NYC pour une semaine ce mai pour trouver un école pour Brett, et pour trouver un appartement.

Après mes étudies a Columbia, je vais obtenir ma maîtrise en les sciences humaines. Puis, je voudrais retourner à Utah parce que je veux rester près de ma famille. Après, je trouve un travail que j'aime, j'ai l'intention de voyager avec Brett à la plage, n'importe ou!

Dans la plus future, je compte avoir quelques enfants. J'adore les enfants, donc, je veux avoir beaucoup mais pas trop! J’espère habiter à Florida ou une place près de la plage, mais je ne sais pas si je vais vouloir ça dans la future quand j'ai une famille. J'adore quand il fait chaud, donc je dois habiter dans la sud, mais ce n'est pas possible, je pense. c'est pas grave....

Isn't it funny how plans change?

PostSecret

Today as an activity for my group, I had my clients make PostSecret cards.

Yeah, it was pretty awesome.

So awesome, I decided to make my own:

P.S. Did you notice my last blog post got a lot shorter? (Probably not, but it's because I sold a bunch of stuff that I had listed at the bottom, and I'm pretty freaking excited about it! Just thought I would share...)

you've got to make a mess before you can clean it up.

Yesterday I was reminded of something silly I used to do as a kid.

When I was instructed to clean my room, I usually had a difficult time doing so. Not because I didn't like to clean, but because I would look at my room in all its atrocity and decide that instead of straightening it up or burying everything in the closet (as would a normal child), I would "deep clean" the place.

The whole process would begin with me throwing everything out of my closet and into the middle of the room. I would then proceed to dump out all of my dresser drawers, leaving their contents strewn across the small amount of real estate my floor afforded.

Usually I would end up with a giant mess that took me weeks, if not months to sort through. You see, I would start with the aspirations of getting rid of a few things here and there and organizing what I wanted to keep. But, because I was such a pack rat, I would instead look through every item I owned with nostalgia, unable to detach from it and give it a better home in landfill, USA.

I guess I'm pretty much the same person I was back then, because last night, this is what my living room looked like:

I decided to be productive and finally start cleaning out my shed. Brett's uncle is going to be moving in with us in a couple weeks, so I realized that I couldn't leisurely pull out and go through one or two boxes a week. Nope, instead I pulled out ALL the contents of the fricking thing, and they are now taking over my living room! I guess that will really give me an incentive to go through all this crap, and FAST.

Even thought I was EXHAUSTED from just having spent 3 hours at Walmart, 30 minutes hauling all my groceries up our three flights of stairs, and close to 2 hours hauling nearly all of these boxes you see up the same amount of stairs, I still managed to go through one box and get rid of the majority of its contents!

Hooray for getting a great head start on one of my major summer bucket list items!

P.S. The following items are all ones I am trying to sell in attempt to de-clutter my house. If you or anyone you know would like them, please see the links below to find out more details including how to contact me for them! (Please, please, please!)

 And again.

 And again.

 And again.

And finally, click here  for the final one.

kickboxing is going to be the death of me...

....just so you all know.

summer bucket list.

Due to my love of lists, I decided last year to make a "fun" one of all the things I wanted to accomplish during summer vacation. Looking back on that list is pretty depressing. I just realized that I accomplished less than half of the things that I set out to do. Despite my lack of follow through, I've decided to make this "summer bucket list" thing an annual event. So, even though the summer is almost halfway over, here are my fabulous aspirations for the next two and half months:

*Lagoon with friends.

*Whistle Wok

*Summer carnival

*Dig up old memories from "the shed"

*Summer reading

*Clean out my shed

*Sunday bike rides

*Get a tan playing at Seven Peaks

*Go to Lake Powell for the first time

*Campfire and s'mores with friends

*Zilch up at the cabin

*Pineapple from Tucanos

*Get my wedding dressed cleaned

*Sleepover with sisters (and possibly with school sisters)

*Picnic at the park

*Purge my house of excess "stuff"

*Lose 5 lbs and 2.5% body fat

*Camping and paintball with the fam

*Get both cars deep cleaned

*Double date game night with the cuz and her hubs

*Consume massive amounts of watermelon snow cones

Yup, I think that about wraps it up!!

meditation is the language of the soul.

Today I had a unique opportunity to participate in a yoga/writing retreat. Yoga=peace, writing=catharsis, so yoga+writing= peaceful catharsis.

I spent 6 hours writing, doing yoga, meditating, eating mindfully and sharing my soul with other people. I don't think it gets any better than that.

Through the experience I learned just how much I have changed over the last year. I used to feel uncomfortable around other people. Besides my closest friends, I kept to myself. I remained hidden. I was like a turtle who stayed constantly burrowed in it's shell.

This last year has brought people into my life who have changed me forever. They have allowed me the safety and freedom to slowly start breaking down my walls. I have also discovered precious knowledge and wisdom in school that has dramatically shifted how I see myself and others. All of these things have been a tremendous blessing for me, for in them, I have found freedom.

During this retreat, we did yoga, then received a "prompt" to write about. After some of the prompts we got into small groups and shared what we had written with no explanation, no apologizing, just reading. When I first realized we would have to share, I freaked out inside. I had been hoping for some very personal clarity and catharsis and I didn't feel comfortable sharing that with complete strangers. However, as we got started, I found that it came much easier than I thought. That definitely would not have been true a year ago.

Realizing that made me reflect back on a service trip I took this spring through UVU. Last year my sister went on the trip which involved removing dead Tamarisk trees from near the river that runs through Canyonlands National Park. I wanted to go with her so bad last year, but my school and work schedule kept that from being possible. This year, we were able to make the trip together. It was a blast.

We met some awesome people and got to participate in some awesome activities. One of my favorite parts of the trip was when Missy and I went with two other girls to a place called Indian Ladder. There we met up with two guy friends of one of the girls we were with and hiked out to this little pool of water surrounded by a little enclosed canyon and rocks. It was beautiful and so serene. We hiked up in the rocks as the sun set. Words can't describe the incredible feeling that was there. Although it was dark, we still wanted to climb the "Indian Ladder" so we walked back to that spot.

The "ladder" consisted of little wood rungs wedged in between a rock which forms a tiny tunnel. This lead up to an opening where you can sit on the top of the rock's peak. By the time we began, it was pretty dark. We had just one little flashlight and four of us who wanted to make the climb. I was a little nervous at first. I tend to get claustrophobic, and the opening between the rocks that you climb up is very very narrow. I very easily could have gotten stuck and freaked out. The fact that it was dark made it that much more scary. But, despite the fact that I was with people I hardly knew, I decided to take a risk and trust. Emily (one of the girls we were with) had done the climb earlier that day. She led us up to the top where we all arrived safely and in one piece. At the peak, the view was awesome. We got to lay out on the rocks and see the stars, and the beautiful big moon. It was incredible.

I remember recognizing in that moment that I had come a long way. In the past I probably wouldn't have even gone on a trip like that. I would have felt uncomfortable being around people I didn't know and if I would have gone, I probably would have stuck to myself. However, on the trip, I noticed myself doing the opposite. I was eager to meet new people, to swap stories to get to know them and to let them come to know me. I was excited and happy and non-judgmental of the different places people came from. It was a great feeling to realize that I was capable of achieving such a great change.

This writing retreat gave me the same great reminder. That I am capable of putting myself out there and making connections rather than staying miserably shelled up.

It was indeed peaceful and cathartic.

summer reading list.

One of my favorite childhood pastimes was spending the majority of my summers spread out on the grass, curled up on the deck swing, or hidden away in the branches of my tree with a good book. There's just something about reading that speaks to me.

These days I do most of my reading snuggled up in my bed. Regardless, I have to say that I always look forward to summertime so I  can catch up on all of the pleasure reading that I've missed out on during the school year. Here's what's in store for me during the upcoming months:

 And for some more "therapeutic" books:

Whew. And those are only the books that I've bought over the last several months. There are many more on my future reading list to keep me busy next summer.

On therapy.

I met myself at work tonight. It was seriously frightening to me how much of myself I saw in this particular client:

the feelings of discomfort and inadequacy when trying something new and "foreign,"
the second guessing of the self,
the inability to see one's own strengths and worth,
the stress from dealing with other people's problems all day knowing that yours are quietly simmering the background,
the past sacrifice out of love,
the profound and painful loss,
the people pleasing and wanting to "fix" things for everybody,
the fear,
the need for the "one" easy answer from someone else,
the need to run, to escape.

It was uncanny, really. I only met with her for a half an hour, but I feel like I know everything about her. In a way, I feel like I am her.

As drained as I am right now from staying late twice already this week (and knowing that I am going to have worked over 50 hours by Saturday), I feel a small glimmer of relief, perhaps some kind of "catharsis," when reflecting on this short "emergency" session.

I think the discussion we had was therapeutic for both of us. Even though neither of us knew it, I was actually "therapizing" myself just as much as I was her. Sometimes I think God gives me moments like these on purpose to teach me lessons I will only learn by teaching other people.

Curse him for that.

Bless him for that.


Well. I think that's about enough self-disclosure for tonight. Phew. But don't worry. I'll be back for some more "blog therapy" soon.

Peace out.

the scoop on savannah.

Things you might not know about me:

-I cry when I watch Extreme Home Makeover Home Edition.
-I absolutely hate cats.
-I'm secretly addicted to Jerseylicious and The Bad Girls Club.
-I don't want to have a big family, yet I want to adopt and love as many "broken" children from around the world as I can.
-I've always wanted to experience homelessness and living on the streets. I will some day jump on the back of a train and just ride it to wherever it takes me.
-Sometimes I wonder why I never developed an eating disorder.
-As much as I want to settle down and plant my roots, I worry that I will never be happy with what I have and my urge to "run away" will return.
-I once got pulled over for flipping off an undercover cop.
-I often wish I lived back in the time of hunter gatherer societies before everything became so complicated.
-I hate chocolate.
-One day I want to start my own "movement," "cause," or non-profit organization in my endeavor to change the world.
-I'm a pathological perfectionist.
-I feel most at home amongst "broken" people.
-I used to be obsessed with belts and had a sweet collection of them.
-I love filling out any kind of forms...applications, questionnaires, medical forms... etc.
-Some days I wonder if my constant feelings of inadequacy will lead to my demise.
-I'm obsessed with checking the mail.
-Sometimes I'd rather get lost in my relationship with characters in books than live in the "real world."
-I absolutely LOVE palm trees.
-Spongebob Squarepants is my homeboy.
-I'm a pack rat who is desperately trying to change her ways.
-I'm terrified of dying.
-The more I've learned about drugs, the more I want to use them.
-I often wonder if people are only as happy as they are pretending.
-I know more about cars than my husband.
-For some reason I feel the responsibility to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

A million little pieces.

Best. Book. Ever.

Life according to my 8 year old self.

Keep the commandments. (My favorite: "don't kill people")

 I think people would like me as the president.

I never was very good at reaching my goals...

 I mean it was awesome.

 BAHAHA

 I go on to say that I hate just about everyone I know "with all the hate I have inside me." Yep, once a hater, always a hater, I guess.

BAHAHA.

The baddist thing...

Vegas.

As exhausted as I am right now, (I got like 3 hours of sleep last night due to Cuddle Fest 2011) I can't help but be SOOO excited for what is to come later this week. I get to see my Lukey poo, I get to lay in bed and read a book I actually want to read, and I get to go to VEGAS!  Seriously. I'm stoked out of my mind and I felt that I should spread the happiness around.

rock on,

sav

Saving the World.

Some day I'M going to write a book on saving the world. Just FYI.

Soul meets body.

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

The self.

"It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection."
- The Bhagavad Gita

Being surrounded by the many amazing people I am, I continually find myself wishing I were like a few choice people I know.

Thank you universe, for the reminder that being ME is just fine and that I should relish in my uniqueness and not strive to be the duplicate of anyone, even if those "anyones" that I wish to emulate are amazing.

Just a friendly reminder.

If I'm not feeling in extremes, I'm not feeling anything at all.

I've been in sort of a funk lately. I'm not sure why. Ok, in the name of honesty, I have a pretty good idea why, but I don't think I'm ready to go there quite yet.

Anywho.

My mind is spinning with thoughts of poetry and it's days like today that I wish I was gifted in that domain. That talent would really come in handy for me this particular week, as a matter of fact. You see, for one of my classes we were given the assignment to write a poem. Not just any poem. A poem with 14 specific words that must be included at some point. Wow. I recall one of my very first blog posts being an "object" poem that I was assigned in my creative writing class last year. I had to include 3 specific words and writing that thing was pure torture. I still read it and cringe.

Despite my recently established "funk," in which normally I would feel at least some inspiration, I'm left completely impression-less. I even searched out old notebooks in hopes that I would find neurotic stimulation to put me up to this tedious task. Unfortunately, I found nothing of the sort. Instead I came across some old depressing poems I had forgotten about, but somehow feel like sharing. This one ironically fits in perfectly with this week.

When I wrote this, I dedicated it to Riley-- for her birthday.
I realize that no one, probably not even the person I wrote it for will get it.
I will post it anyway, sharing my depth through vagueness once again. For that, my friends, is an art-form I have MASTERED.


Hidden behind the anger, the resentment
beneath the scars, the physical
witness of an internal battle
lies a girl who is everything.

Bright. Witty. Bold. Beautiful.
Consumed by her own self-loathing.

She appears empty, but I will show
you a girl who knows this is not so.


Hidden behind stillness and apparent
unshaken strength
beneath poetic words full of power
a true poster child for hope and healing
lies a girl who is nothing

Hollow. Empty. Weak. Alone.
Consumed by her own self-loathing.



Yup, definitely fits the funk this week.

Horoscopes.

I've always been a fan of horoscopes. I don't necessarily follow them religiously, but I think they can have elements of "truth." No matter what, they are least fun to read, right? I read mine this morning and I really liked it and thought I would share:

"Give your guardian angels and the powers that be the benefit of the doubt right now, moonchild. You may feel like your back is against the wall, or that you are hopelessly caught up in a problem that you won't be able to find your way out of. You may even feel forsaken and alone. But you are not. There is a great light of love surrounding you. You are protected and guarded and guided, and if you open up your heart enough to feel the love, you will be comforted by it. Allow yourself to feel safe. Have faith that everything will work out. You will have what you need."

I was really kind of touched because it fit so well with where I'm at right now and some of the experiences I've had this week. I think I easily forget about the guardian angels I have been blessed with, but just last night during yoga I felt this amazing connection to their presence and their love. I am seriously so grateful for this week. I finally feel on top of the world and that life has meaning and purpose again. I've been mindlessly wandering for far too long. It's good to be back home.

On being real.

The last few months have been busy, to say the least. However, despite the chaos that is characteristic of my life, I have had some pretty profound moments.

I recently had a major epiphany about myself. In my pursuit of ultimate self-awareness (aka therapy) I realized that I have an insanely hard time trusting people. I don't just let anyone into my life, and sometimes I go to extremes to push people away. I'm sure to some degree this has been a self-preservation technique, albeit an unhealthy one. I didn't really see this as a huge problem until recently when I realized that my inability to trust people is going to negatively affect my ability to provide therapy to the people I'm destined to help.

I'm in a play therapy class this semester which has seriously blown my mind. Our teacher is the epitome of who/what I want to be as a therapist. I love the humanism embodied in the theory of her therapy and I feel that she is an incredible example of how to mix that with enough creative juice to come up with an amazing masterpiece. A few weeks ago we talked about the essential features of play therapy, one being the therapist's ability to be genuine and real with the child. We talked about this not being just a simple technique, or a button within yourself that you turn on and off as you enter the playroom, but rather as a way of being.

I was completely struck by that concept and it was then that I realized that I have this internal struggle constantly going on in my head. It is the the debate of perfection vs. realness.

I have always enjoyed people who are real, raw, unadulterated. I'm envious of the people that can say to the world, "this is how I am, you can take it or leave it, but I refuse to be anything different." I'm jealous of those who are capable of being brutally honest. Not in the "yes that dress makes you look SO fat" kind of way, but in the "yes, these are the mistakes I've made, here are my deepest, darkest thoughts about life, this is my very soul" sort of way.

The truth is, I've always wanted to be that person. I've tried at times and succeeded to an extent, but I think the constant rejection caused me to shrivel back into my tiny little shell where no one could see me for the person I really am. I realize that I am very good at hiding myself and trying very hard to appear "perfect" and polished on the outside. I've been terrified to to admit to anyone besides myself that I'm beautifully broken and dangerously damaged. Instead I try to do everything perfectly and live up to completely ridiculous and unreal expectations. But you know what? I'm tired of it.

Last month I was blessed to have the listening ears of a beautiful friend who let me tell her some of my life story. That's not at all an easy thing for me to do, and she could tell you that it took her opening up to me and "becoming human" for me to begin talking. It was refreshing to "out" myself, to reveal some of my "fatal flaws" and to experience understanding rather dismissal.

In another class just this last week I was introduced to a slogan from AA: "We are only as sick as our secrets." That also really hit home for me because I think that I waste too much time and energy hiding myself in fear rather than becoming the genuine and real person that lives somewhere inside of me. In a way, I suppose that has been making me "sick." Over the last two months I have really resolved to try to be more open and honest with people. I'm not saying that I'm planning on baring (no I didn't spell it wrong, I mean literally- bare-ing) my soul to everyone I meet. Rather, I would like to begin slowly breaking down the walls around myself that I have spent a lot of time building up to keep people away. It seems to me like an impossible task, but I have realized this last year that I am capable of big things. And who's gonna stop me? I double dog dare you. ;-)

Well, I've got a long journey ahead, so I best be getting started. Thanks for letting me share, world. Goodnight.

A poem about pineapple.

So I was just going through my phone and found a little something I wrote on Brett's birthday while we were at Tucanos. For those of you who have never been, you are missing out! After reading this, I bet you can't guess what my favorite thing there is... ;-)

A poem about pineapple:

Warm yet sweet,
your smoky taste tantalizes as it tickles my tongue.
Electrons shoot through my brain
as your juicy explosion hits the roof of my mouth.
You are rightfully saved for last;
the perfect peak to a moment of pure pleasure.

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

This post was supposed to happen last week. I had big plans to spend New Years Eve (or maybe New Years Day) posting a nice reflective piece on the ups and downs of the this past year. Of course, I didn't get around to it. I was busy spending time with family and (mostly) relaxing and trying to enjoy my last couple days of freedom. No, seriously.

Although things didn't go according to plan as far as my blog writing, I am filling extremely full today. Full of thoughts, full of words, full of feelings. I figure if I don't post now, all of this pent up energy will sour and explode everywhere, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? Too stinky.

I'm not going to go all out and do a huge reflection and analysis on the last year of my life. However, I do want to mention just a few things that have stood out this past year. Let me begin by telling you that I'm not one for New Years Resolutions. The pessimist in me says they are just a horrible fad thought up by gyms, companies selling weight loss products, etc. So this year, instead of making an unrealistic, ridiculous resolution to make this year the one year I finally do something different, I am going to instead call out to the universe to help me carry on the same path I found in 2010. 

Last year while I was still working at a youth residential treatment center, I was able to participate with the kids in a weekly yoga practice. I didn't always join in, but every time I did, I loved it. You hear about all these celebrities swearing by things like yoga and pilates and you just laugh and roll your eyes at these new "trends". At least I do. That's why I thought it was kind of funny that somehow, when I actually saw what yoga was all about, I was hooked. Being someone with constant, massive anxiety, I had finally found something that spoke to me. But it wasn't about just learning to relax... No, it was much more than that. It was about finding the pathway back to my soul.

I can't really remember the exact time of year that the story I'm about to tell you took place. After all, I am forgetful like that. However, for the purposes of this post, we will pretend it was just after the new year began in 2010. (It just sounds better!) So here goes...

It was just a day or two into the new year when I was at work and decided to do yoga with the kids. The instructor had us think about what things we wanted to draw into our lives during the coming year. She had us write at least three things down a piece of paper. I imagine we did some sort of breathing/meditating/stretching/ritual/ceremony to solidify and call to the universe for support in this matter. Like I said before, my memory has lapsed, so forgive me for not remembering the details. Anyway. I absolutely loved this exercise. For some reason, it just stayed with me. That magical paper floated around my house for awhile before I found it much later and posted it on a bulletin board I have next to my bed. 

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

Three very simple, but very powerful words. (OK, technically it's four, but just go with me, people!) Those were the three things I called out to the universe to help me find in the upcoming year. And just like the yoga instructor said, these things magically came into my life, sometimes in the weirdest ways. I don't remember exactly what I was envisioning when I jotted those words down, although I do remember that I did so with great purpose and meaning. Despite my early onset Alzheimer's, I am going to tell you how all three of these things found their way into my life this past year.

Peace.

Peace is just such a foreign concept to me. My mind is a crazy thing. It is constantly running even at times when I wish it would just shut down and shut up. I am a worrier. I am always thinking about and worrying about something. Usually the future, sometimes the past. I am a do-er. I am constantly doing something. I cannot sit still for two minutes at a time. My husband will attest to the fact that if I feel like my day was unproductive (even if it wasn't), I am grouchy and anything but satisfied. I am an angry person. I am pessimist and I can find just about anything to get mad about. So when I called out to the universe for peace, I wasn't quite sure what I'd find. In this past year, my life and my personality haven't completely changed. I am still a crazy, worrying, do-ing, angry pessimist. However, I feel that life blessed me with plenty of moments this year when I felt peace. I felt soft, beautiful, stillness. I felt content. I felt whole. I felt purposeful. One of these moments was long lasting and occurred on a beautiful day/night in August. Brett and I had driven down to Vegas to spend a couple days playing in "our place" and we also attended his aunt's wedding. We had an incredible time together enjoying our old favorite hang-outs and trying some new ones too. On the drive home, we listened to Anberlin and I was kept company by an AMAZING lightning storm that lasted the entire stretch back. When we stopped in St. George for gas, I just absolutely had to make another stop: the Black Rock. This was the special place I found during my adventures in St. George, high on a hill where I could go to just think. I had some pretty profound moments of clarity there, and on that particular night I just could not resist a pit stop. We did not stay long, but I enjoyed a few precious moments  there. It was the perfect night. Warm. All was quiet except for the sound of the cars on the freeway below and the wind as it wrapped itself around me like a blanket. I looked at the lights in the city below and I was at home. It was transcendent and completely indescribably, but I will always treasure that particular moment of peace.

Acceptance.

I think when I resolved to bring a little more acceptance into my life, I was referring mostly to acceptance of self. You know how they say that your worst enemy is yourself? With me, that is definitely true. I am extremely hard on myself, and I am undoubtedly my own biggest critic. I'm a perfectionist, and when I don't live up to the expectations I surround myself with, I am disappointed, to say the very least. Although I can't honestly say that I have found a way to completely accept myself as-is, I have made significant progress. I still can't say to myself "I'm good enough" and fully believe it, but I think I'm getting closer to that point, which for me is HUGE. 

Self-discipline.

This was a really big thing for me last year. I am one of those people who likes things NOW. I am not good at delaying gratification. That is probably why it was so easy for me to get completely addicted to Dr. Pepper over the course of a few years and to eat so unhealthily that I gained enough weight that even a pig might have cringed. I tried working out before, I tried eating healthy, but I never really saw results. I blamed genetics and thought that I would just be fat and depressed about it for life. I told myself that I could not change, and that there was NO way I could live without my daily dose of Dr. Pepper. But last year that all changed. I was able to stay clean from Dr. Pepper (and all soda for that matter!) for over 8 months! I started eating healthy and working out and I lost almost 20 pounds! Instead of rationalizing my poor choices, I started taking control and using a little bit of self-discipline. The fact that I was successful at doing so blew my freaking mind. I did not think it was possible. That is why I am extremely grateful and also extremely proud of these big steps and accomplishments, and I hope to make them ongoing.

So as I look forward to the new year, I again give a big shout-out to the universe and ask that it bring me even more....

Peace. Acceptance. Self-discipline.

Amen.