The oppression of women through pantyhose.

Yes, this story is about pantyhose. (Which, ironically, is one of my least favorite words in the entire English language. Ha. Go figure.)

It all started a few weeks ago. For my Master's program, I am required to complete two internships. I have been looking forward to this experience since I decided that I wanted to do social work, and I have been particularly excited about the idea of working with birthmothers and the adoption process. Thus, you will understand that it was to my dismay when I received word that LDS Family Services was the only agency I would have to choose from with the hope of getting any exposure to adoption. To say I was disappointed at this realization is a HUGE understatement.

You see, in a lot of our classes, professors have made reference to the fact that all of us want to work with LDS Family Services and the reality is that most of us won't be able to. I was a bit annoyed by this generalizing statement and I resented my teacher for assuming that everyone idolizes LDS Family Services. To be quite honest, I don't want to be stuck working with LDS people all day every day. In fact, I want quite the opposite. So, at first I was miffed at all the assumptions going on, but I didn't care too much because I thought, "It's cool, if everyone wants the typical LDS job and are fighting over that, it will just make me all the more marketable for more interesting internships."  Boy was I wrong. With my recent revelation about the non-availability of any other adoption internships, LDS Family Services moved from last to first place on my internship preference list. That is, until..............

.............I found out about the pantyhose. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, pantyhose. I thought those things were old news. I thought that they went out of style with my dead grandmother, but apparently (at least at LDS Family Services) you aren't considered a professional unless you have them. Rumors were flying across the room that LDS Family Services won't even consider you if you don't wear a skirt and pantyhose to the interview. I think the exact words that came out of my mouth were, "Are you f-ing kidding me?!" But sadly, they weren't.

I was pissed off! A skirt, I could maybe handle. Personally, I think dress pants are way more professional, but if they are going to be uptight about it, I could deal with the skirt thing for one day. But pantyhose?! Really, people?! I haven't been able to stop thinking about this all freaking week. (Seriously, when you get me worked up about something, there is no turning back!) I just can't get over the fact that refusing to hire an female intern, just because she doesn't wear pantyhose is bull shit. It's nothing less than sexists discrimination! Require all the men applying to wear pantyhose, and then I'll consider it!

I didn't think anything could get any worse (silly me for being ignorant!), but alas, it did. I found out that not only would I have to wear a skirt and pantyhose to the interview, but if I were chosen to intern for LDS Family Services, I would be required to wear that EVERY FREAKING DAY. Seriously. Talk was that their dress code mandates that you dress like brother and sister missionaries. If I wanted to dress like a freaking missionary, I would go on a freaking mission, people!

The rest of this week I have spent a great deal of time hosting a debate in my head (which is rather noisy and distracting, let me tell you). Do I find it worth it to give in to this sexist requirement because I'll be doing work I love? Or do I just say "screw it" and wear what I want to the interview not holding on to high hopes of getting hired, but also not giving up my self-respect in the process?

The whole thing is still up for debate, but the more I think about the pantyhose, the more my blood boils. Literally. I think I have popped a few blood vessels in my head because my face has been red hot all day. Ha.

I keep thinking to myself, things are SO much easier for men. For ANY interview, men know that to get taken seriously they better wear a suit and tie (or pretty dang close to it). But, for women, our wardrobe is wide open for interpretation. There is no "gold standard" like suit and tie, but just an overall understanding that you must look professional (this can be done through nice slacks and a fancy blouse, a dress suit, a pant suit, etc.). From the outside, you might say that it's nice that women have so many alternatives and that they aren't limited to one option. But, let me tell you, it's not. People in charge of hiring will have their own personal preferences for what a woman should wear to an interview, and will judge based on their own standards, which may not be the same as the interviewee.

Until now I didn't really see that this as a big problem. I haven't had trouble getting hired on anywhere, and I don't think I have ever worn a skirt to an interview. Up to this point, I thought that nice slacks really were the "gold standard" for professional dress. After all, we live in modern times, people! I thought we made the decision a long time ago that it's OK for women to wear pants! Well, boy, I guess I was wrong. It makes me gag that an agency is so oldschool and traditional/conservative/orthodox that they would have a sexist practice discriminating against women based on a fashion choice. Talk about super-freaking-ficial.

And I don't think I'm going to give in and do it! Why? In the words of Lorelai  Gilmore, "because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zipidee pow!" I say STICK IT TO THE MAN.  And I'm sure it was definitely a man's idea to oppress women through pantyhose.

It sure didn't help that today we had a lecture about sexism and all the ways women are discriminated against in the workplace, in education, etc. That has just got me going even more. I keep thinking about how mad it makes me when women contribute to the oppression of other women. These are the women who say, "Oh, we have all the rights we need. We can't complain. We really do just want to be mothers, anyway... " Or, "Why do you want a career? Everyone knows we should stay at home with the kids..." BLAH BLAH BLAH. These are the women who won't question or stand up for themselves. They conform to the ridiculous gender roles they are fed by society, and nothing pisses me off more! If we are divided as women, how can we even think to target and change sexist and discriminative practices such as mandating the wearing of pantyhose?! We can't!

Then tonight one of my fellow classmates (a second year, no less) tried to talk me into why it was GOOD to wear pantyhose, and when I told her that I never wore pantyhose EVER, she made the comment, "Well, dang you must be lucky and have beautiful skin. I love pantyhose 'cuz it's a great cover up..." SERIOUSLY? Why are we, as women, so set on "covering up"??!!! We get enough freaking crap in the media about how we need to be super skinny, change our hair and wear all this make up, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don't need to hear that from a fellow woman! Seriously! If we don't fight this ridiculous male dominated society together, women everywhere will be left to suffer. Let's nip this shit in the bud, hell let's set it on FIRE! I don't want my future daughters submitted to this B.S.!

Well. There you have it. My raw, unadulterated vomit of emotions at the present moment. I hope you enjoyed the ride.

Peace.

A poem about grad school.

There once was a grad student, Savannah.
She was definitely not from Alabama.
When her lit review was due,
she merely said, "poo poo"
and just sat around in her pajamas.

A Moment of Peace.

So, after being literally sick to my stomach after thinking, reading, and writing about the whole controversy brought up after President Packer's talk, a friend posted this link on Facebook:

http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction

It is a link to an article featuring a statement made by a spokesman of the Church. After reading it, I finally felt a sense of peace. I feel like this statement addresses what was not made explicit to all in President Packer's talk. What a perfect response.

Follow the Prophet.

Last Sunday as I sat in my bed listening to General Conference, I was a little put off by one particular talk. I felt somewhat bad for not agreeing with a major church leader, but even after conference was convened, I couldn't help but continue to think about the issue. If I was deeply bothered by a talk whose message was aimed at those "struggling with same sex attraction," (not being one of those people myself), I could only imagine what several people around the world listening to Boyd K. Packer's address were thinking.

Obviously, I was not the only one moved by this. I have heard a lot of debate about the issue in school, through facebook, on people's personal blogs, and in online news articles (which also feature readers' responses). After reading/listening to a lot of the debate, I am deeply saddened by the fact that a lot of people don't truly understand what the REAL issue is, here.

When I first listened to President Packer's words last Sunday, the message I heard was:

-Homosexuality is not just a sin, but it (and those who live the lifestyle) are EVIL
(Quote from President Packer's talk, while he was speaking about gay marriage: "To legalize that which is basically wrong or evil will not prevent the pain and penalties that will follow as surely as night follows day.")

While President Packer didn't explicitly say that "gay people are evil," he sure did NOT make clear that as LDS people, we should always remember to hate the sin, and love the sinner. I think adding this crucial point on the issue would have really disarmed a lot of the negative response that is coming out as a result of his talk. I think that contrary to what a lot of what people are saying (i.e. that people are looking to be offended and will always find offense), this message was delivered in a way that facilitated hurt and offended feelings, which might have been dispelled had the point been delivered in a more sensitive way.

Another message that I, personally got from President Packer's talk was:

-Those of you who are GLBTQ, you must come from the SATAN because God doesn't make you that way. Why would he do such a thing?!

(Here is a quote from the printed version of the talk with MAJOR edits in brackets (the church posted the edited version in print on its website)- "Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn [tendencies] toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! [Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember he is our father].”)

This line of his talk kept repeating in my head over and over... To me this sounds like pure, condescending condemnation. I obviously was not alone in my reaction to President Packer's talk. Here was a reader response to a (fruitless and silly) article the Deseret News printed:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700072199/A-call-for-civility-following-Mormon-Apostle-Boyd-K-Packers-address.html?pg=2

"I am a temple-attending LDS member. I believe the problem was not in what was said, but in the "message" that was felt. Being a thoughtful and compassionate person, I have long pondered the challenge of homosexuality. It is clear that homosexuality is not something that people choose - and it is clear that it is a permanent condition for most. It also appears to be increasing in frequency. It seemed to me that over the past several years, the church was beginning to acknowledge these truths, and that was comforting because I am confident once we accept truth, we will see that the next step is prayerful seeking to learn what is the right way to address the challenge so that our beautiful, cherished sons and daughters of God who are homosexual can live lives of fulfillment and peace among us, and not be cast out, which is clearly contrary to the first and second great commandments. I believe that when we collectively, with our leaders, pray earnestly for revelation regarding how to view this telestial condition, and how to accept it as a telestial condition, the Lord will direct us and it will be lovingly resolved."

I copy this here, because I could not put my opinion more perfectly into words. Below is another reader response that I liked:

"I admire the DN [Deseret News] for urging civility. However, despite being a positive step, I don’t imagine this editorial will get us very far. Since civility requires understanding, let me point, without even stepping toward Prop. 8 territory, to a few things I’m guessing the LGBT community wants us Mormons to understand better.

1) Why Elder Packer’s talk provoked an outcry. Regardless of his 2010 intent, many people interpreted it in light of much institutional and individual history.

2) Words matter. “Struggle with same gender attraction” for LGBT ears is somewhat akin (I’m not saying equivalent) to what “hateful doctrine” is for Mormon ears.

3) Expressions of love and concern can easily seem patronizing.

4) Assuming the church is not still asking homosexual people to change to heterosexual, it is asking them to essentially become asexual. If we are comparing homosexuality to alcoholism, do we really understand the depth of this request?

5) Many rank-and-file Mormons have profound homophobia and feel our church condones those attitudes. Civility is our problem too.

I too hope for a more civil conversation with the LGBT community, but without understanding these viewpoints, we may not get it."

Because I come with a much more liberal view of the gay "issue" than do a lot of people in my church and community, I really enjoyed that this reader pointed out the importance of understanding the direction from which some of those opposed to President Packer's talk come from. Not everyone believes what we do about homosexuality. I think that in order to be true Christ-like Latter Day Saints, we MUST learn to accept all of God's children and love them for who they are and what they believe; I think it is extremely hypocritical of us to withhold our love and save it only for those who are exactly like us and believe and practice the same things we do. I believe that we need to develop enough love and respect to acknowledge and accept (I'm not saying we need to AGREE with) the other side of the story. After reading through the responses of those from both sides of the debate about this controversial talk, one thing I have been really frustrated by is the large amount of ignorance that is coming from what I'm sure are well-meaning members of the church. I think the key thing they lack is a true understanding of how the message from Boyd K. Packer could and DID come across to others with differing viewpoints. 

The following quote is another reader response from that same article:

"When you say their lifestyle is an abomination to God, you're not going to treat them as equals. You are going to treat them as someone with a problem. What do you think that does to someones self-esteem? As long as you claim that you know God disapproves of their lifestyle, you are going to have trouble treating them as equals. Can you really be surprised when you depict someones lifestyle as an abomination and they react in protest?"

This quote really illustrates one of my biggest fears. I think that so many people in the LDS church are so narrow minded that they reject not just the concept of homosexuality, but homosexual individuals who are children of God. I know I have heard a large amount homophobic bull crap from people within the church in my lifetime. For our members to be more Christ-like, I believe that this negative rhetoric about homosexual people NEEDS TO STOP. I fear that talks such as President Packer's serve to justify some members of the church to openly discriminate, hate, and condemn gay people which I believe leads us in the opposite direction of one of the basic commandments given to us by the Savior himself:

John 13:34-35
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another"

I believe the commandment to love one another, as found in this scripture is perhaps that greatest and most commandment we have ever received. I pray that as a people we learn to truly live by it and grow to understand, appreciate, accept and love those with different sexual orientations and opinions. I hope that someday more members of the church will open up their minds and their hearts to at least SEE the other side of the story and not turn a blind eye to a reality that many others in our world live in.

P.S. For clarification purposes, in my sentence before the quote from John, I am NOT trying to say that President Packer is causing members to be hateful towards gay people. I am NOT saying that anywhere has HE or other church leaders professed or condoned hate or violence towards those who are homosexual. However, because we are a church of non-perfect people, unfortunately, this is a response that I have personally witnessed in the past, and I think that self-righteous Mormons everywhere will use this article to condone themselves in (if only subtle) hateful responses toward gay people.

Perfection

Isn't this picture just amazingly beautiful?? It was the background on a school computer I was using the other day, and I have become obsessed by how serene it makes me feel. When I look at this picture, I feel calm and content, which to me is a pretty foreign feeling. In fact, this last month, I don't know if I can even think of one moment when I felt calm. Life just happens too fast, you know?

I started graduate school last month which has been amazing. It has also been hell. Being in the program has already stretched me and challenged me in ways I can't even describe. I love that I get to spend my educational time studying topics that I am interested in, but I sure don't love that on Mondays I spend 9 hours in a dungeon-like classroom. I also don't love that I must wake up by 6:30 a.m. at least three days a week... There is nothing that drives me further towards insanity! But somehow, I am still alive, and when I take a step back, I know that this is going to be one of the those experiences that I will look back on and laugh about, and appreciate the person it has made me become.

It's amazing how much writing can do for a person. I haven't sat down and written like this in over a month, and I sure am feeling it. In a few classes we are discussing the importance of self-awareness and knowing what coping mechanisms you use. I used to write all the time as a teenager, when I was going through some of the most intense and awful experiences of my life. Somehow, when I got to college, I forgot how much I needed that. I think I just got too busy with the writing required for other classes, and I was constantly working (I'm not one of the rich kids who gets everything handed to them on a platter), so writing for fun, for NEED just got placed on the back burner. I am so glad that I rediscovered this "coping skill" of mine, and even though I haven't had the time to write in over a month, I know that it is one thing I will be doing just as often as I can.

I must keep this post short and mostly un-insightful for tonight; We are going out of town for the weekend and I have a to-do list a mile long that needs to be consulted before the morning comes...(Go figure!) But I really wanted to share a link to a blog post I heard about through a friend via Facebook. I took the time to read it the other night, and I'm really glad I did. The timing of the post was quite ironic, as I have been arduously confronting my own issues with perfection over the last few months. But that is a story for another night. Be sure to check out the link!

       

Goodbye to the Gilmore Girls... again.

I have this horribly hard time saying goodbye to people. It's just not something I like to do. I grew up with Lorelai and Rory. I spent seven years of my life growing close to them, so when I watched the debut of the final episode of Gilmore Girls, I cried. Hard. And I haven't been able to fully let go. I proudly own all seven seasons on DVD and I watch them over and over to keep my love for these wonderful women alive. Weird? Maybe a little. But most people just don't understand a love like ours. It transcends any silly social norms. I have seen every episode like a thousand times (I've watched all seven seasons twice through just this summer!) but I always get stuck on the very last episode... I skip it every time and just start watching the seasons over again because I absolutely hate endings. Especially sad endings, which this one most definitely was. But today, I overcame my dread and finally finished that last episode again. I cried just as hard as I did the first time and I'm not ashamed to say it. So here is a tribute to a show whose final ending was worth crying over... These are some of my favorite quotes from the show that made me laugh and cry. 

"This is the last time I buy anything just because it's furry!"

"I don't leave messages. If I wanted to talk to a machine, I'd talk to my VCR."

"I'm smiling because you're crazy and that's what you do to crazy people to keep them calm."

"Mmm. Tasty. And flame retardant!"

"Are the lids tight on the paint remover, because you're sounding a little loopy to me."

"So, Beth, huh? I hate the name Beth. It's so...Beth."

"You're not gonna kill the bag boy." "Why not?" "Cuz it's double coupon day. You'll bring down the town."

"Oh, wow. It's expensive to slowly rot your insides, isn't it?"

"Stop saying 'mother' like that." "Like what?" "Like there's supposed to be another word after it."

"Wait, he kissed you again?! What, is he just out of prison or something??"

"There's no use for a lava lamp unless you're on drugs!"

"You know, it's like dogs and high pitched noises. I think it's only something you can smell."

"You traded my lovely gift for a semi-pornographic, leering monkey lamp? How could you!?"

"Our before Mary is about to become an after. Who else in town is knocked up?"

"I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on!"

"I must now sublimate all my impure thoughts by going into the kitchen and making an endless string of perfect casseroles."

"Look in somebody's sock drawer. Rich people have hilarious sock drawers."

"What are you doing?" "I'm admiring your pickles."

"Who uses the word 'hobo' anymore?"

"No, no. Not malls. I hate malls. They underpay employees and over price merchandise. They contribute to urban sprawl. They encourage materialism and the parking's a horror. You drive in, ya pay a buck, and even if you're only there for 5 minutes..."

"Look, I've made my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a non-violent manner. And usually, that is fine, but today, I'm sorry lady. I have Ennui."

"I can't hang out or kick back. I need to find a retarded kid and teach him how to play softball!"

"Did you hear? I used existentialism in a sentence. I've always wanted to do that!"

"I have no patience for jam hands!"

"Gosh! You're like a pop-up book from hell!"

"That was an evil 'yes'." "Not an evil 'yes', it's a 'yes I'm pretty, but hello I'm smart!' kind of a 'yes'."

"What's she honking for? She hates honking. She calls it a mechanical bodily function."

"Oh look, they have cucumber slices in the water!" "Oh wow. Now if they have ranch dressing in the soap dispensers, this place is great!"

"You're a vicious trollop. You're a vicious trollop!"

"People don't realize it, but it takes years of training to be able to eat like we do."

"Hey, I know you! You're that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour even though that weird, brown corduroy jacket wearing freak was already it." "That's right! Good memory!"

"Well FYI, Van Halen hair, I"m very busy."

"For every good woman, there's a dirty little wolf just ready to lead her astray. You can't help it. He's got the eyes, the chin, chest hair you could carpet your dining room with, I mean, what's a woman to do?? We're not made of steel for god-sakes!"

"I hope so, cuz I'm so damn lonely not even animal planet does it for me anymore."

"Now, after all that has happened, after all the chaos and havoc you have wreaked, you're seriously standing there wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a butt with hands that are flipping me off, telling me you want to come back?!"

"I just want you to remember three things while you're sitting up there. I love you. You're the greatest kid in the world, and...you're in a skirt. Keep your knees closed."

"Oh, sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole."

"Well. Here's hoping your cat exposes itself to you soon."

"I created you. It's biologically predetermined that I watch you."

"How do they like Orlando?" "Well it's all Mickey Mouse this, and Micky Mouse that, you know, they want to die!"

"Wait, what's that?! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's super Jackson and his atomic pea tendrils!"

"I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work as fascinating as the rest of the world."

(After singing the first line in A Mighty Fortress is our God) "Dude. What's a bulwark?" "What?" "It says, 'a bulwark never failing'." "I think it's a wall?" "Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay." "I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something." Whatever man! I'm not saying bulwark!"

"Make your point, bagel boy!"

"All those e-mails? I'm sorry, but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess!"

"You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs!"

"Oh look. It's Bilbo bologna-puss just in from the shire!"

"We've already tried it over there." "It's no problem." "No problem for you, but this is giving me cuticle damage! Do you know who long cuticle damage takes to heal?!"

"I'm not standing funny. This is how you stand in these pants."

"I mean, they were extremely common until recently. Historically, recently. Not recently, like 'metrosexual is a word now' recently, but recently." "Are we still talking about anvils?" "Yes! Where did all the anvils go?" "You're talking about those big, heavy, metal things?" "...That blacksmith hammered horse shoes and stuff on. Everyone had them. They were featured prominently in every movie western. So where did they all go?" "I don't know that they were that common." "Wiley Coyote used them. That's how common they were." "Who?" "The cartoon. He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head or shoot it at him out of a giant sling shot, or fire it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down and made an anvil shaped impression on Wiley Coyote's head." "This is a cartoon?!" "Oh, no, this just happened to me the other day. I was just walking down the street at this giant anvil, yes mother, it's a cartoon." "I know she sounds crazy, but it's a very common cartoon." "But that doesn't prove that anvils were so common." "It does. It proves that anvils were so ubiquitous at one point, was that the word? ubiquitous?" "Depends on where you're going." "...That they knew that children would know what they were and delight in them. That's how common they were! Children watching cartoons!" "That was the word." "I've forgotten your point..." "Where are all the anvils? I mean is there some sort of secret anvil storage facility the government is keeping from us?" "Or they fell into disuse with the advent of other technologies and so they melted them down and they're gone." "But they're not supposed to melt! They were made to withstand the red, hot hammer of the town blacksmith." "This is easily the most pointless conversation we've ever had."

"Her car looks just like Barbie's!"

"Kirk, I just had a spat with my sour ball distributor and I'm not in the mood."

"I find your hair very believable!"

"I don't call that a may pole, I call that a maybe NOT pole!"

"Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?" "For what?" "Pizza." "I just got back from Italy." "So?" "So, they'd shoot you in Italy for that." "Uh, but this is America. Where we unapologetically bastardize other country's cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy." "Oh, I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments."

"See, he called me hot plates. He SO likes me!"

"No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina, OK?"

"I'm late for class and you put a printing press on my book bag?!" "Well sorry! It's from my dead boyfriend OK? I apologize if my grief is inconveniencing you!"

"Wow. Sleeping with you is getting me nothing."

"But Mrs. Kim says fries are the devil's starchy fingers..."

"Ramadan is about a lot more than just not eating. It calls for a total abstinence from food particles passing through a mouth or nose. Your Bazooka's passing through my nose!"

"Children should shoot us for what we make them do."

"Special? Like stop eating the paste, special?!"

"Wheat chex is sort of the pumpernickel bread of the cereal world."

"You're feeling particularly sassy today." "I know! It must be my new glasses prescription!"

"How does she do that? Compartmentalize like that? It's weird. She's the serial killer who goes to work and talks about a funny Seinfeld he saw and then goes home and cooks himself a man flesh sandwich."

"Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town, if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done, and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV, we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes."

"Cropogs? Did someone say cropogs?"

"Rory, the penal system is not something we enjoy. It's something with a name that makes us giggle."

"Oh great. Now I'm not even the town whore!"

"What are the odds of me finding a cake topper with exactly your butt?!"

"Who are you fooling? You're wearing tube socks."

"That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zipidee pow!"

"Yeah, man. You're way deep in my bogus bag, and it's zip locked shut."

"You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear. People will think things, bad things." "Like what?" "Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale."

"Yeah, that's me. I'm fast. I'm the perfect storm of caffeine and genetics!"

"You are such a pity laugher."

"I guess the combination of salt water and sea weed and discount Mexican condoms and terrible, terrible sex leads to a baby." "A baby...." "A baby. Sex sucks so bad. Sex sucks worse than I thought." "You only did it one time! And wow, a baby!" "That's what you get folks, for making woopie!"

"I don't think we're having a communal massive heart attack."

"Yes, but it looks ridiculous. Like glorified ping pong. If I wanted to play ping pong I would... Well, if I wanted to play ping pong, I would kill myself!"

"Let's say your kid falls out of a tree and like majorly gashes his head. Do you run to him right away or just let him kinda shake it off? I mean, I don't want to be a  wussy dad."

"I'm gonna go. Logan and I have this romantic afternoon planned." "Oh, really?" "We're spackling." "Oh, well, uh, spackle well, or whatever one says to encourage a successful spackle." "Have a good spackle?" "Spakle on." "Break a spackle?" "Knock on spackle, things work out."

You dirty little fun haver! (Myspace re-post 6 of 6)

So here it is... My final myspace re-post. This one should really hit home just how big of a nerd I am, and how crazy I used to be. It gave me a big laugh at least. Happy reading.

March 11, 2006 

zipidee do da zippiddee a!! haha just kidding but for real! i just felt the urge to write a little memo of my day. first i woke up. then i showered. then i picked up my laundry, threw it around my room and decided to clothe myself. when driving to work, i noticed snow on the not so far off moutains. i squeeled. then i called my roomate lettie and squeeled some more. stuff like this just isn't supposed to be around my home sweet st. george. then i said to myself, savannah its ok man. you'll do fine in life. so i went to class. eric is a very funny teacher and we had some good laughs, but then we saw the snow, and the laughter turned to tears. (at least for me). sloshing outside after the bell rang (oh wait, its college there are no bells...) i called my dad and cursed him for bringing the snow. blah blah blah. things like this just arent' supposed to happen here! anyway then the rest of my day was super sweet awesome wow, and i had a blast in mesquite with my dad and g'pa eating yummmy yummmy crab legs, then the movie i saw with my super sweet roomies was dig- tastic! now im sitting here wondering why im not packing my bags to go to france... i mean home. shit. haha peace out.

This summer I made mad love to 3 Germans (at the same time....!) -Myspace Repost 5 of 6-

I love this old post because it reminds me of the best summer of my life! This summer has been pretty spectacular too, so maybe when I'm done with the myspace re-posts, I can tell you about all the fun stuff we have done this year!

August 06, 2006

This summer I made mad love to 3 Germans (at the same time....!)


Just kidding! But no really, I have had a wild crazy summer! About everything I've wanted to do in my life has been accomplished as of July 29. Well, not everything... I still haven't fulfilled my lifetime goal of finding a punk band to play harmonica for.... In good time though, in good time.... But so far this summer I have:

-Been to France (and without my bags for a few days, at that)

-Climbed L'arc de Triumpe, Notre Dame and seen the view from the top of the Eiffel tower.

-I got my first real "french" kiss.

-Got the best tan I've ever had in my life! (I'm used to being a pasty white girl, man!)

-Swam in the French Riviera.

-Hung out at the International Cannes Film Festival.

-Conquered the metro system in Paris.

-Partied with a British Formula 1 driver who raced in the Grand Prix at Monaco.

-Spent a day in Italy (Let me tell you, there is NOTHING like true, real, authentic Italian ice cream... It's amazing!! And I freakin hate ice cream!)

-Worked 3 freaking jobs (sometimes all three on the same day)

-Had my birthday at Warped Tour which was the best present ever!(Besides all the sweet free stuff I got from bands because of my awesome shirt...)

-Last but not least, I freaking jumped out of an airplane at 13000 feet for the most bamf first skydiving experience a girl could ask for!

WOOOOO! Don't you wish you were me right now? Yeah yeah, what can I say? I'm pretty kick ass.. Hopefully their will be a sequel next summer. We'll see what happens.

P.S. I totally forgot to mention I went to the French Open!! It was pretty bad ass (even though I'm not a huge tennis fan) despite the freezing cold rain that day too.

Embrace your inner emo. (Myspace re-post 4 of 6)

Here is a poem/free write from back in the day.

September 21, 2006

gloom has filled her spirit
its expressed in the lack of smile on her face
the look of distaste
the eyes echo the lonliness
of no one in her arms
the legs run out as quickly as they came
she won't give you
three seconds for you to notice her
trust replaced with lust
and sick of the need for somethin more
put up your dukes in anticipation
of the battle you will never win with
her stubborness
her life is a constant mosh pit
a throw down of the greatest sort
the musically inclined ringing through her mind
taunting her with what she will never have

Myspace re-post (3 of 6)

I was so silly back then....

February 16, 2007 

So I'm sitting here at about 12:30am, and thinking to myself, that it's really not that late but it sure feels like it. All is dark in my room except the glow of my computer screen and the spongebob lamp right next to it. For some reason I feel kinda like Harriet the Spy when she types up everything on her type writer. That in turn, reminds me of the good ol' days when me and my younger sister and one of her friends thought Harriet was the bomb diggety, and we bought notebooks and took binoculars to the church field where we proceed to "spy" on all the neighboors as they walked or drove by. We'd also make tomato sandwiches like she did... Chalked full of mayo and of course big, juicy, squishy tomatoes. Yum, yum, it's amazing what a child's stomache can handle. Now with that door swinging shut, you'd think I'm full grown now, and lost that and all my other childhood tendencies. Yet as I'm sitting here typing I'm chewing on a teething ring for babies. Why, you might ask? Because I've done hundreds of dollars worth of dental work the last couple months, and the only thing that soothes me is to bite long and hard into anything and everything I can get my hands on.  Usually it's Brett's arm, but I feel bad for the many marks I've left and I've decided to transfer my dog-like tendencies to something else. (And though this teething toy isn't as satisfing as an arm, it gets the job done!) :-)  Oh geez, and now I'm drooling. Did I mention I'm wearing my jellyfishing glasses? Just like spongebob's! It sure puts me in the mood... For jellyfishing of course! Sicko...What were you thinking? Get your mind out of that gutter. Well, je suis un peu fatigue maintenant, donc je pense que je vais dormir. Bon journee ou bon soir mes amis! Jusque' a une autre temps....

We interrupt the week of myspace re-posts for some "behind the scenes: savannah the sequel"

I have discovered, after looking to the past, that I have this hovering black cloud belief that "change is impossible." In thinking about how I am going to contest this belief in order to find a greater sense of optimism and happiness in my life, I have realized that I am a person who is afraid of change. I don't just believe it is impossible, but I try and avoid it at all costs. It is a concept that I haven't quite learned to embrace.

This belief that change is impossible goes against all that I have been working for these past several years. I have to believe in the hope of change to some degree if I plan on making a difference to people, right? After all, "a difference" is "a change." I am reminded about a girl I worked with a couple years ago who also had a hard time with change. When she was in the process of transitioning to another treatment facility, she struggled a lot. She kept reminding me how much she hated change, yet I remember saying to her, "You say you hate change so much, but on the other hand, you tell me that I changed your life. Not all change is a bad thing." So how can I hold so tightly to a belief that is not only untrue, but opposed to the very principles on which therapy (my future career) exists? That is a good question, and one I am trying to figure out right now.

I think I believe that change is impossible, because I have had people in my life who haven't changed one bit. They are still the bitter, angry people they always have been and always will be. I know there is something not quite right about predicting the future for people, but one thing I have heard a lot in my job is that "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." So, what else am I to do? I'm not going to deny that I have a very pessimistic view of the world and people and this is also probably at work when it comes to this belief, but we are and we do what we know... right?

To get a little more personal, I think that one of the reasons I believe change is impossible for me, is not just because I am afraid of changes, but I am afraid of trying to change. I'm afraid of what it will mean if I try and it doesn't work. I am afraid of failing, so I think in some ways I inadvertently sabotage any attempts to BE any different that I already am. I'm a perfectionist and it is easier to be the angry, confused, indecisive, pessimistic me that I worry I will always be. The times that I have tried to be different, I have always come back to what I am used to. I think that in some ways that is human nature, but I also worry that is also a testament to just how screwed up I really am.

I mean, I have hope that other people can change, at least to a point. I have worked with some pretty difficult kids at work, and although these individuals have suffered through a difficult past and have a long way to go to begin living a remotely good and happy life, I have believed in each of them and their ability to change. So what's my problem with myself? Could this issue possibly go deeper? Could it be that my lack of faith in my own change is related to my lack of esteem and sense of self-worth? I thought that my self-hatred was buried in the past, but perhaps my pervasive depreciating beliefs are surfacing in more subtle, self-sabotaging ways. I shudder at the thought.

I think over the years, I have learned to accept my flaws and forgive myself. I used to be very rigid in my perfectionism. I remember struggling during my first few years in college with the concept of repentance and forgiveness. I have always been extremely hard on myself about everything. During this particular time, I would do my best to apologize to God for my many mistakes, I would start making better choices and to move on, yet I would constantly become frustrated and discouraged when I kept returning to the same habits and behaviors I was trying to repent of in the first place. I don't think I ever really had faith in the process, and as a result, to fail just made me feel worse about myself and the gospel. This just reinforced my underlying belief that it is impossible to change.

A few years down the road, I learned a very valuable lesson while working with an extremely difficult girl at work. I learned that despite this girl's many imperfections, despite the hell she put me and other staff through, despite the abuse she had suffered and the poor relationships she had with her family members, she still had incredible worth as a person and I loved seeing her make some incredible changes over the course of her treatment. Working with her made me a better, stronger person and afterwards I found it easier to love people around me and to have a greater sense of empathy. At one point during the time I was working with her, I was reading in Moroni and found some very inspirational verses.

Moroni 7:45-47
"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail--But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

After working with her for a long time, I realized I had begun to feel this incredible love for her, and for others. Though I'm sure I felt love for people before that, I never had a experienced a love quite so great. I began to realize that if I could feel this kind of love for someone else, than imagine what kind of love the Savior felt for me, despite all of my many mistakes and imperfections. I think it was then that I finally accepted that someone could love me like that, and that he did, and that I didn't need to be perfect to feel that love. I finally found some kind of faith in love and in repentance and in change. I think I began to realize that change and betterment is an ongoing process. It's not a "one time and then you are done" kind of thing. It's ok if we repeat our mistakes a million times over. We just need to remember to pick ourselves back up and remember that despite all, at the end of the day we are still loved PERFECTLY by the person who matters most. He knows we can't change all at once and that it's a process, not an outcome.

The hard part is, I don't seem to remember this on an everyday basis. My mind is so hardwired in its pessimistic outlook that I struggle to remember this very powerful lesson I learned the long and the hard way. I guess I already know how to contest this belief I have that "change is impossible." The battle now is to remember, to practice and to keep believing. So this week, I think my mantra will be, "Change is difficult. It is an ongoing process, laden with mistakes and let downs. It is not perfect, but it is real and it is attainable."

Whew, well how's that for insight and catharsis?  I feel exhausted.

I will never be a "scene kid"!

So, I think I have decided that this week is myspace week. I will be re-posting a mini blog each day from ones I wrote years ago on myspace so as not to lose them forever when I delete my page. Silly? Yes, but also kinda fun! Cheers to part 2 of 6 (which is one of my favorites!)

March 30, 2008
So, after attending multiple shows where I’ve been annoyed to death about the annoying kids standing around me as I’ve waited in line to get into the venue, I decided to come up with the rules I would have if I were to ever open up my own venue... They are as follows:


If you’re not old enough to legally hold a drivers license.... YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you wear girl pants and you are not a girl.... YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you arrive at the show with all of your little girlfriends and you all are primped and curled and
wearing slutty little mini skirts...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing shorts over your pajama bottoms...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing anything that has: Hollister, American Eagle, Abercrombie and Fitch, etc. written on it...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing any kind of boots over your pants (especially ugg boots)...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If your parents have to drop you off at the show (aka "daddy dropoff")...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you came to the show just to stand up against the wall and makeout with your girlfriend/boyfriend...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are sporting a shirt (or any other clothing) with the name of any of the bands playing at the show...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you came to the show just because all of your friends are doing it and you want to look cool...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you go home to curl your hair while your boyfriend waits in line...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing short plaid shorts and short ugg boots...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing ballet slippers (excuse me, "flats" i guess they are called)...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If your face is unnaturally orange becuase you fake and bake or slather yourself in self tanning cream...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If your pants are so small they can’t even fit over your butt, not only is it pointless to wear pants at all, but...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If your ears hang low and they wobble to and fro.... YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If your mom and dad have to come pick you up and drag you home...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are a little preppy boy decked out in your white polo shirt, keds and navy blue shorts...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you came to the show just because you thought anyone in the band is "Sooo hot you want to bone him/her"... YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing a cowboy hat...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are trying to climb up a brick wall while waiting in line to show off for the rest of your friends that are there, and you are being more obnoxiously than is almost humanly possible...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing a belt that doesn’t even come near the loops in your pants that it was made to go through...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing sweatbands or bandanas on your head, arms, legs, toes, nose, or anywhere else...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are a girl and you are dressed like you are asking for it...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are going to yell and scream like a freakin little girl groupie when the band walks on the stage to set up their instruments and do sound checks...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If your mom actually comes into the venue and has to push through the crowd saying "mommy coming through! and "sorry I’m not here for the show, I’m just looking for someone..."...YOU
ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are wearing any type of high heels (especially when you are sporting two lovely pigtails in your hair and a short and skanky goth skirt)...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are covered in gangly jewelry that would cause you to lose your head in a mosh pit because it gets pulled and yanked around and you have more accessories from head to foot than Marie Antoinette, not only do you need to know that you are NOT at a freakin fashion show, but...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If your hair is dyed darker than the locks you were born with and it is nowhere near natural for your head to look like that...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are or are dressed like an emo kid...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are going to stand behind me and say things like: "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I like, totally know!" and "You look SO totally fab!"...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you haven’t showered in the last week and you haven’t even put on deoderant to keep you from smelling even worse when you sweat from jumping around...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN.

If I can smell your Tommy Hilfiger perfume from across the street before you even make it in the venue because you decided to bathe yourself in your preppiness....YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!

If you are gonna hold up your camera phone during the whole show to try and video the band so you can show it off on your myspace page...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN!


Ok, so I know that with rules like these, it eliminates half the people that go to shows anyway, but in my perfect world, this would be how it works! I dare you to challenge me. If you really feel the need to, I’d advise you to make sure not to stand next to me at a show or you might get a broken nose in the mosh pit.

This should be read by every person in America!!!!

Because having a myspace account is like so 2004, I have decided to delete my page. While I was looking through my account though, I realized that I had some pretty great stuff. So I am reposting a blog I posted back in the day. It cracked me up, and I decided that I couldn't let it be deleted forever... Here you go!

August 5, 2008

Here is an article that I found on msn as I was perusing my inbox today. Read it. Believe it. Live it. Please, people!!! You can also read the comment I posted in response to it, after the end of the article. Happy reading!

 

 

FASHION

Make. It. Stop.

The case for ending our long national nightmare.

By Steve Tuttle | Newsweek Web Exclusive

Aug 1, 2008 | Updated: 12:42  p.m. ET Aug 1, 2008

 

I like to play a game with my son, Joseph. We sit on a bench in touristy Old Town, Alexandria, Va., and we're not allowed to get up until we see a dozen pairs of Crocs. It usually doesn't take long. But the other day we were stuck at eight after a few minutes, and I was getting a little concerned. Just then my boy leaned over and said, "Don't worry, Dad. A family of dorks will come along any minute." To paraphrase Hank Hill, if he wasn't my son, I would have hugged him right then, I was so proud.

I know what you're thinking: what kind of sick father lets his impressionable young son call people dorks because of the shoes they wear? Well, who else will teach him that wearing sweaty bright purple clown shoes in public is not OK? He certainly won't learn that lesson at school. Teachers seem to be some of the biggest abusers of this horrid fad.

I know what else you're thinking: "I like Crocs … they're so comfortable. I'll tell you who the dork is … the guy writing this story, that's who! And who died and made him the fashion authority anyway?" Well, no one. I own pitted-out T shirts that are more than a quarter of a century old, and I've been known to strut around town in some pleated khaki Dockers. I own one belt. A female colleague even told me once I'd be a "perfect candidate for 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'." I think she was trying to be helpful. My complete lack of fashion sense actually supports my theory, because even I know these things are an abomination.

Yes, I'm really, really late to the Crocs-bashing party. Really late. Plenty of fashionistas have written screeds over the years. But the damn things are still here, so this is no time to stop fighting. To quote the great John Belushi: "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!" 

 

I've been following the good work of Web sites like I Hate Crocs Dot Com for some time, even going so far as to submit a photograph of a stuffed skunk spraying a pair of pink Crocs. The fantastic Best Page In The Universe posted a hilarious rant a while back joking that people who bought Crocs on Amazon.com also bought frozen corn dogs, Pabst Blue Ribbon Light and trucker balls, as well as the CD single "Hey There, Delilah" by the Plain White T's. The rant's author, Maddox, writes: "People who wear Crocs go on and on about how comfortable they are, and how it's supposedly odor resistant because it's made out of some kind of anti-bacterial foam … You know what else it's resistant to? You getting laid."

A popular YouTube video called "Dorcs" parodies the trend: "Wow, but they're so ugly," says an office worker to her friend. "That's how you know they're comfortable," he says. By the end, she's a convert: "I've given fashion the finger, and joined the Dorcs revolution!" The Crocs Empire is acutely aware of us haters. Even their own commercials make fun of the irrational and over-the-top rage their shoes instill in people like me. In one, an unshaven lunatic holds a neon blue Croc in front of his face and screams, "Why are you wearing these!" for 30 seconds. I only wish I'd known about the tryouts for this commercial.

Crocs's stock price has cratered of late, so there is hope. According to the Rocky Mountain News, the shoes, "which were once so popular that the company couldn't keep pace with demand, are now piling up in warehouses." Maybe the company's just a victim of its own success. If practically every person in the U.S. already has a pair and they're indestructible, how many more can you sell? The same thing happened to Wham-O back in the 1950s with the Hula Hoop.

But the company isn't giving up. They've been diversifying, sponsoring Olympic teams and veering off into sandals and other designs, trying to fool us. They've even gone so far as to create a high-heeled Croc. OMG, as the kids say. These have to be seen to be believed. I recommend only the strong of heart should attempt to Google "high-heeled Croc." The company Web site has this ominous warning for us: "Today, Crocs™ Shoes are available all over the world and on the internet as we continue to significantly expand all aspects of our business" (italics added). That sounds like a threat to me. They're even suing other companies like Skechers for allegedly stealing their great idea. Skechers says the lawsuit is "baseless," "outlandish," and "ridiculous." I'll tell you what's outlandish and ridiculous: that these things sell so much that another company would feel compelled to copy them, allegedly. Don't we have enough eye pollution with just the originals still out there? Don't be fooled, America! Soylent Green is CROCS!!!

If you think about it, the Crocs company should really be admired. P. T. Barnum would be proud. They've managed to separate money from the wallets of millions and millions of seemingly sane people who wake up, look in the closet, and actually decide: "Today I'll leave the house wearing these neon-green Dutch bubble shoes with Swiss-cheese holes in them. Maybe I'll even buy some little plastic strawberries or bananas and jam them in the sweat holes, just to jazz things up and make the bacteria incubate faster." That's fine. I say do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home. Let your Crocs freak flag fly. But don't make the rest of us watch.

I realize this article might not go down too well even in my own editorial office and certainly not in our ad sales department. My boss in Washington read an early draft and said it was funny, but that I had a "somewhat demented obsessiveness." At least he threw me a "somewhat." Another editor wondered aloud if I had perhaps been trampled by Crocs at some point in my life. I also worry about writing this because some of my best friends—and their sweet, innocent children—wear them. One of my dearest—the sister I never had—introduced me to the shoes years ago when she waltzed into a garden party in a pair of bright hot-pink Crocs. I couldn't stop staring at them. "What are those things?!" I whimpered nervously, hoping maybe she was rehabbing from some sort of strange Achilles mishap. "Oh, they're called Crocs … I got them for gardening," she said, so innocently.

Oh, if only we'd known what a tsunami of fashion idiocy was about to be unleashed, maybe we could have stopped it somehow, and they would have stayed in the garden where they belong, covered with manure, a trendy item to be featured on www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. If only. Then they wouldn't be out there in the American mainstream, that big, vast, sweaty mainstream traipsing through our airports and over our beaches and around our great shopping malls. Plop, plop, plop, they go, stuffing their Crocs faces with ice cream and Doritos and giant sodas. Plop, plop, plop. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And the rest of us have to watch. I spent eight hours waiting on a flight at Dulles over the 4th of July week and I was just minutes from tackling the next group of Crocs ploppers I saw. Luckily for me—and the ploppers—my flight finally arrived and I wasn't arrested for assault. Knowing my luck, I'd have shown up in court to find 12 pairs of Crocs sitting in the jury box.

It would have probably been better for my career if I just posted this as an anonymous Craigslist rant as CrocsHatah35 or something. Plenty of others have spouted off about Crocs there. And sure, I would have had a lot more readers. But Craigslist doesn't write my paychecks, and this is just too important to ignore another day. Some times you just have to make a stand, even if it's a few years late. Do we really think we're going to stop global warming if we can't even end this fashion Chernobyl once and for all? I think the U.S. government should institute a Crocs buyback policy, like they do in the inner city for guns. It would do more to beautify this great land than Lady Bird's highway beautification program ever did.

So I'm begging you, America. Just stop. When you wake up tomorrow and look at your options, choose flip-flops. Go barefoot. Wear boots. Anything but Crocs. By next summer—if we all work together—we can have this plague of bad taste virtually eliminated. Yes! We! Can!
© 2008
http://www.newsweek.com/id/150240/page/1

Good huh??? Well, here is part of my opinion on the matter:

I have to say this was the most brilliant piece of writing I have read in a very long time!! Finally, someone put all of my delicious hatred for crocs into words. I honestly couldn't have said it any better myself! I don't have the time to skim through every single comment that has been posted thus far, but I have to say that reading through all the bitter croc lovers rants just made today that much better for me. What a freaking laugh.

Despite the author's opinion (which every individual is entitled to an OPINION, by the way), numerous people just had to stick in their two cents about how "comfortable" the crocs really are, and how they "save your joints," and "you have no right to knock them until you have tried them!" Wow. Didn't the author even predict that he would get such a response? Way to be predictable, people!  Just skimming through the remarks like these has been hysterical to me! One of my very favorites out of the bunch so far has got to be: "Since when did Newsweek post the opinion of rednecks?" Well, honey, in response to this, I would politely tell you to turn around and look in the mirror and at the rest of America, because the people wearing the crocs are the freaking rednecks.

And it cracks me up to see so many people get SO defensive about the shoes they wear. If you like the shoes: great. grand. wonderful!!! That doesn't make you any better of a person than the author. In fact, the masses are asses, and any fad (one that is high in fashion or as pathetic as wearing crocs), deserves people who will stand opposite the crowd and have the guts to tell 99% of Americans that they are stupid, ugly, pathetic dorks.

And I believe that this man teaching his son to not just follow the crowd (whether it's wearing ugly shoes, or whatever!) and to do his own thing, is freaking brilliant! America needs more people who will start using their God-given minds to THINK instead of letting fads, companies, politicians, celebrities, and so called educators, etc, make their (poor) choices for them!

I think, therefore I am.

I have been doing a lot of pondering lately. Which is a weird thing for me, because usually my days are so filled with things (meaning for the most part, "things to do"). I have left very little time in my life for solitude or having any sort of intelligent thought at all, which I have discovered is quite unfortunate. There have been times in the past when I have felt that life was simply meaningless, and I was just sort of going through the motions. It was during those times that I was so focused on things, and things for things sake (if that makes any sense at all). Those were dark times, when my mind was not illuminated by the many benefits that come from.... pondering.

During this recent period of contemplation of mine, I have done a lot of introspection. I have spent time reflecting back on my life and discovering in many ways how my experiences have made me who I am today. It has been an interesting journey; not all my memories from the past are pleasantly reminiscable. (Yes, I just made up a new word.) I have discovered something about myself that I have always known, but never really done anything about.

I haven't the slightest clue who I am.

There, I said it. I mean, I know who I am, but not who I am. I am Savannah Parry Swanson, I am 23, I am a graduate student, I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a best friend. You get the picture. Those things tell you a little about me, but they don't tell you who I really am. And frankly, if you asked me, I'm not sure I could tell you exactly who I am, either. Which is sad. So I am giving myself an assignment to quit being a mindless wanderer in my own being, and search deep down inside until I discover what really makes me tick and what tickles my fancy. (Did you like my insertion of silly cliches?)

I feel sort of crazy, outing myself like this, but I have been reminded of an amazing quote that I heard during my intro to counseling and psychotherapy class (which was possibly the greatest class I have ever taken). It goes something like this:

"I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. That the speaking profits me, beyond any other effect...And of course I am afraid, because the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger...We can learn to speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken." -- Audre Lorde

Now, I realize that blogging is not exactly verbal communication, but I am one who believes in the power of the written word. So I am sharing with anyone who will listen, my journey into the psyche of Savannah. (Keep your arms, legs and head inside at all times, and enjoy the ride!)


To be continued....

Baby Cravings and Brilliant Business Conceptions

So this last month has been a rather funny one. Despite my desire to repress any thought of having a child in the near future, I have been overwhelmed by cravings to jump on the bandwagon and get knocked up!

Weird, right?

I mean, I have two more years of school, Brett will have at least two more after that... Though we are at this moment in a good financial spot, I don't know that our income is necessarily ready to support a third Swanson. Not to mention the fact that I haven't the slightest clue how to be a good mother! I learned a long time ago that babies need WAY more than their mother's love to make it in life.

So what is with my strange appetite for someone to share my womb with?

I blame it on all of my friends. Seriously. So many of my friends or old acquaintances are either: a. Pregnant OR B. Just had a visit from the big bird.

I really thought this was just a little phase that would quickly pass. I love babies! Adore them, really. Every time I got to babysit my friend's little boy, I would just swoon! I would tell everyone how much I wanted to have a little one of my own because they are so doggone cute, but the next day, nothing. All tender feelings had subsided.

But this time it is different... Maybe it's because I have had more exposure to babies... I went shopping for another friend's baby shower and I fell in love with all of the adorable TEENY baby clothes! I even bought a couple things for when I do actually have a kid of my own... Everywhere I look there are babies or cute little pregnant moms. I mean, even yesterday at the gym, there was a girl who had just found out she was pregnant and it made me want to cry with excitement for her. TOTALLY WEIRD, RIGHT? Especially since she is a complete stranger!

I don't know when or if these desperate feelings will ever subside, but one good thing has come of them, believe it or not... I have come up with the best business idea ever! This is copyright material you are about to read, so don't you dare THINK about stealing my idea! OR ELSE!!! (Are you scared? Well you should be!!)

So, my brilliant business idea started with a philosophical thought. While I was with a friend buying baby clothes for her little boy, I swore that when I had a baby, my child would not wear clothes that were made just for his/her gender. My friend was appalled and said she felt sorry for my poor kid. Now, I didn't necessarily mean that when I have a little boy I am going to dress him up like tinkerbell, but rather, he will wear clothes that a baby boy or girl could wear.

Gender is one of my least favorite of the many social constructs. In fact, I hate the social construct of gender more than I hate fake Utah bimbos with their ratted up square hair, which I promise is A LOT. I mean think about it! When has a gender stereotype ever helped you in life? Men don't cry and girls are so emotional... SUCH BULL CRAP. And it all starts with BABIES. That's right. Babies.

We smother our boys in blue, brown and green. We give them trucks and trains and planes to play with. After all, that is how boys do it... On the other hand we suppress our girls with the color pink, and baby toy dolls because everyone knows that the only job in life a woman should ever have is that of mother and we MUST train our girls early about this role! Well, I CALL B.S.!!!!!

I hate this social formation, and so I have come up with an amazing solution! Are you ready for it?! I am going to create a cute little store full of baby clothes that can be worn by babies of either sex. They will be gender ambiguous and will not conform to the ridiculous gender roles that have been created by a flawed and rather messed up society!

Do you want to hear the best part of all? The name of my little creation will be called the Beatnik Baby Boutique! How freaking awesome is that?! For those of you who don't know who/what a beatnik is, let me give you a simple and incomplete history lesson... The beatniks were a group of people who rebelled against society. They hated the idea of conformity with a passion and so they refused to play the game. Isn't it the perfect name for my little bout of business brilliance?? I thought so.

My husband, on the other hand, thinks it will all be an epic fail because people actually LIKE to buy little boy and little girl clothes. I must admit, I'm sure I won't have many customers once I do get this thing going, but still. I must do my part to change this evil aspect of society, one baby at a time!

Now remember people. This is all highly confidential and copyright material. I will pounce if I find out that you have stolen my excellent idea. SERIOUSLY.

Gratitude

The past several months, I have been overwhelmed by an incredible feeling: Gratitude. I guess teaching an entire primary lesson on the subject today was a sign of fate. It is destiny that I am now writing this blog post!

It's a little funny that I have been so grateful lately. I am really beginning to think I am the most pessimistic person in the world; feeling extremely blessed and happy was so foreign, I thought maybe someone shipped me to Japan without me knowing!

So, I know you are all dying to hear... What am I grateful for? Let me see...

I am grateful for....

An incredible husband who is so amazing I don't deserve him.
Gilmore Girls.
Living in a spacious, clean, cold (or warm) house.
Being able to climb the stairs into my house.
Receiving a great education.
My family.
Having some incredible co-workers.
Peace and serenity.
Self discipline.
Chicken Marsala and Chicken Madeira from the Cheesecake factory.
Being able to take an expensive fun-packed vacation.
The ocean.
Trains.
Health code regulations.
Good music.
The mountains.
Having a good steady job and insurance.
Cars.
Being able to pay off all my old credit card debt.
Air conditioning.
Indoor plumbing.
Diversity.
Soft blankets.
Cameras.
Concerts.
Little sisters.
Washers and dryers.
Dishwashers.
Good books.
Art.
Photobooths.
Good friends.
Lagoon.
Skydiving.
The beach.
Memories.
Little children.
Forgiveness.
Camping.
Games.
The fact that God is the one in control of the universe and not I.
Freedom.
Independence.
Love.
Hope.
Healing.
Honest people.
Lovers of Humanity.
Good quotes.
Soul Sisters.
Yummy smelling candles.
Trail mix.
Babies.
Being able to see the beautiful world around me.
Spur of the moment trips to Massachusetts.
Utah. (who knew!?)
Red rock mountains.
Snuggling up in cool sheets.
St. George.
Hiking.
BFFs.
Heaven.
Toes.
Having people in my life who won't ever give up on me.
Motorcycle rides.
Deodorant.

And on that note, it is back to enjoying my lazy Sunday in bed watching Gilmore Girls and cuddling with my sexy husband! (Which are all things I am EXTREMELY grateful for.)

I lost five pounds!!!....and other noteworthy tidbits.

So, I finally did it... Lost weight that is. I recently decided that I am an anxious eater. Not an emotional eater, but an anxious one. And seeing that I am anxious just about all of the time, that means I pretty much eat ALL OF THE TIME. I finally got sick of looking at pictures of myself with my face all porked out and realized that unless I want to be obese before I am 40, I had better change some old habits before it is too late. So I started with soda.

My addiction to Dr. Pepper is a funny story, really. Growing up, my parents RARELY took us to eat out, and anytime we went anywhere, we got water. Not soda. So, it seems rather funny that within three years, I got to the point where I couldn't live a day without at least 21 ounces of what I fondly referred to as "the nectar of the gods." When I was celebrating a big occasion: Dr. Pepper. When I was depressed: Dr. Pepper. When I was stressed: Dr. Pepper. When I had a headache: Dr. Pepper. It became my cure-all. I truly believed it was the fix for everything, the solution to all of my problems!

My road to recovery has been a long process. I tried weaning myself off the addictive substance slowly... That didn't work. I tried going cold-turkey. Nope, no luck. In fact, I'm not quite sure how I have made it as far as I have, with a full 5 months sober. Maybe it was because I gave myself an incentive. I told myself that for every 30 days I went without pop, I would go get a massage. Maybe it was because my life was so incredibly stressful the thought of an hour of free-relaxation time with someone rubbing the craziness right out of me beat me into a soda-free submission. But whatever it was, it worked.

Unfortunately, I didn't lose a ton of weight quickly like I thought I would for giving up my beloved drink. I was disappointed and discouraged. But, once school got out for the summer and I actually had time to think, I devoted myself to the gym at least three times and week, and I started a diet. I was hopeful, but not overly hopeful. I had tried this diet before without much luck (probably because I was drinking Dr. Pepper instead of water that whole time!), so I didn't want to be too optimistic. My goal was to lose weight the healthy way: 1-2 lbs a week. And guess what?! I have actually reached that goal.

I have had several bumps in the road and not followed the diet (I guess that is what anniversaries and road trips will do to you) but overall in the last 30 days I have lost a total of 5 pounds! It doesn't sound like much, and it was closer to the 1 lb a week than the high of 2 I was hoping for, but you know what? I will freaking take it! Even though I am still working on ridding myself of my despised love-handles and arm flab, I am proud of myself. I have stuck with something long enough to see results, and that is something I haven't really been able to say before. And you know what? I feel GOOD. I'm not about ready to climb Mount Everest, but the thought of walking long distances doesn't completely kill me anymore. Hip Hip HOORAY!

So, today in celebration I will do it the healthy way! By staying in bed til noon blogging, then hitting the gym! :-)

On a side note, I thought I would post an update on my summer to-do list, because I was thinking about that the other day and realizing how far behind I am getting and how much bigger that list is becoming. So far I can cross off:
-cleaning out my closet
-reading "Man's Search for Meaning" (INCREDIBLE book by the way!)
-some of my spring cleaning
-booking my dream vacation to Jamaica (which I am totally stoked about and leaving for in less than two weeks!!!)
-taking some time to go visit family (and playing Zilch all weekend until I finally won a game!)

Whew. A few days before school got out, my sister and I said that we wanted to make a summer bucket-list. I think that will be my next project. I need a summer of fun to keep myself sane through what is becoming a summer of work for me. I will keep you posted.

Quick Update

Because I have a few minutes to spare while I listen to music that I am preparing for a life-skill I'm doing for the kids at work, I decided to post something. It's funny because I am always lecturing my kids to relax, stay in the moment and not be so concerned about what's for dinner, or what's going on in another part of the house, etc. etc., yet I am that person too! I am so anxious and always looking to be doing something (even if it is just worrying about something else) that I can't just sit here and enjoy 20 minutes listening to music I've never heard. I have to be updating my checkbook, checking facebook, checking my email five times in five minutes, and now blogging. I'm pathetic.... :-)

I know everyone is dying to hear about the many amazing adventures I've been having because my life is just so riveting and unpredictably awesome, right?! Wrong. In fact, things on the homefront have been pretty boring lately, although that is not to say they haven't been extremely busy at the same time. Does that even make sense?

Well... I recently started working for a professor at BYU as a research assistant and my current duties include a lot of PR work to get the word out about an important global conference on Human Trafficking. I am so excited to be part of this incredible project, but now I'm cursing my lack of ingenuity when it comes to the many technological advances of the internet, specifically social networking sites. I have been assigned the task of making a facebook page, setting up a twitter, and creating a blog to raise awareness about this event and getting people to register, submit papers and attend. The only problem is, I am CLUELESS when it comes to doing this. Sure, I have a personal blog, and facebook, but Twitter?! It's like a whole different language! And how do you use these sites to contact people you don't even know?! I have yet to figure it out.

Another important news bulletin: this just in!

Savannah has lost a total of 4.4 lbs in the last two and half weeks! I know it's not much, but damn, it's nice to see the scale move down instead of up for a change! I only hope I can stay dedicated enough to continue until I lose my goal of 30 lbs. Time will tell, I guess.

Well, I should probably get out of bed now and get ready to face the day! I am actually somewhat excited about tonight... I get to work with my BFFF from work! (BestFreakingFriendForever... in case you were wondering. Yup, I stole it from a kid at work... hahahaha)

Peace out.

Nostalgia

So it has finally hit me... I have an extremely severe case of nostalgia. The bug was floating around on Friday, but I knew it had hit me this Sunday when I was uploading all my graduation pictures and reading a friend's blog about her own graduation this year. Getting a whiff of nostalgia this time of the year is unique for me. I usually get a more mild case during the fall and winter months, don't ask me why... But this year is different.

I just graduated.
I just graduated.
I just graduated from college!
I'm done. Finished. The end! The more I say it, the weirder it seems to get. After all the many years of hard work, it is extremely hard to believe that I'm really finished. Friday morning, nothing seemed to sink in at all. It must have been the four hours of sleep I was running off of, but I just wasn't feeling the happy/sad/pensive/relieved/catharsis that should probably be present on Graduation Day. I looked back to three years ago when I graduated from Dixie with my Associates and how amazing that day felt. I was nostalgic then! So what seemed to be the problem this time around?

I never got a high school graduation. Yeah, I graduated, but I did it early and without all the bells and whistles. My Dixie graduation was my first, and probably my proudest. That day, I proved to the world (or at least to myself) that I wasn't a screw up. The occasion begged to differ with all of the teachers/parents/friends/relatives/etc. who thought that I was just bad news, a nobody going nowhere. At that point in my life, to shove a diploma in all of those people's faces felt like an extra juicy watermelon snow cone on the hottest day of the year: pure bliss! So, this Friday I chalked my lack of enthusiasm up to the fact that for most people, graduation is just a long boring ceremony full of old, decrepit men droning on, and that no one truly wants to attend.

Dixie was a different story for me and really meant something. Though this year should mean a whole lot still (I am the first person on one side of my family to receive an college degree!) the sparks just did not seem to fly. Now that I have had a few days to process, I think I've realized that all of my excitement/relief was not there because I am not truly finished yet.
I am going to graduate school.
I am going to graduate school.
I am going to freaking graduate school!
That statement also seems to get weirder and weirder the more I say it. Who would have ever thought I would make it to graduate school? Probably not any of the aforementioned teachers/parents/friends/relatives/etc. :-P

But here I am, in the words of a card I received, "Miss Smartypants." And a girl who got into Columbia and Smith, two of the top graduate schools of social work in the nation! Pretty impressive, right? I still can't believe it. I also can't believe that I'm not going... Ok, wait... I can. To move across the country and find a new life for Brett and me and get into buttloads of debt is just not the most logical thing right now. Not when we have so much great stuff here. BYU is beckoning me in the fall, and I think that played a huge role in my lack of butterflies and thrills on Friday. I know there is so much more school to be completed.

I have two more years before I am officially done. I wonder what I will feel then. Maybe I will feel more like an adult, a woman. Maybe not. As a kid, those are feelings I thought I would feel by now. Isn't it weird how you picture so many things as a kid, and then you grow up and it's nothing like you imagined? It really makes me wonder if I will ever start feeling like an adult... I know I am living in the "adult-world". I have tons of bills, I spend half my time cleaning my house, I don't ever hang out with friends, after a long days work all I want to do is lay in bed, I get at least five items of junk mail a day, I have to worry about buying fire extinguishers for when the heating element in the oven decides to blow up, and the list just goes on. I have lived in the adult world since I was 17. This is nothing new. So, why don't I feel adult? I have a Bachelors Degree for heaven's sake! I can make more money and get a better job because I'm "qualified." Qualified to do what, I wonder? Qualified to keep on doing the same things I have been doing all along, only without the piece of paper to prove that I can?

Don't get me wrong, I have learned SO much from my years of college, but when I look back, I realize that most of it had nothing to do with any of the classes I took, but everything to do with the process, the journey. Now that I am in full reflection mode, let's get to the good stuff. The memories and the lessons. You have already read this far, so hopefully you will stick around for my final cruise down memory lane for the night.


2005-Dixie State-Rebels Forever!

This first year of college was monumental for me! Things I learned:

• Roomates=bitches. Don't ever share a house with girls you don't know, if you don't have to.


• I fit nicely under a coffee table, and this is an ideal spot for watching football games without being detected by people who annoy you, while still being able to scare and have fun with the people you do like.


• Lost is the BEST show ever and totally worth staying up until six a.m. for a week to watch the entire season on your friend's Xbox.


• Flag football in pouring rain= AWESOME!!!
  
• Don't start a bonfire at Sandhollow after 10 p.m. The rangers will find you even if you try to hide in the water... Haha!
  
• Twister is best played with 10+ people.

• Stealing road signs is only fun until you get caught and slapped with hundreds of dollars in fines.


• There's nothing like a best friend who will carry you on his shoulders all day at the big ass show.


• Don't buy a hamster without making sure you aren't allergic first. (guess that is karma for sneaking one in a pet-free apartment?)


• Don't ever pass up a bonfire with crazy drunken friends. There is nothing more entertaining!
  
• Pranking the neighbor boys apartment and capturing it all on film is a must!


• Best friends are priceless.

• Every car I ever buy is destined to break down on me.
• Giving a burned copy of the Matches cd with your phone number to the guy at Big O who said he "dug your tunes" doesn't mean he will ever call, but hey, it was gutsy!
• France is every bit as amazing as I pictured it!
  
• The ultimate place to tan is along the French Riviera.

• Skydiving is the best birthday present a girl could buy for herself.

Last but not least, the most important thing I gained from my first year of college:

• The pathway to my future as a therapist, thanks to three incredible people: Karl Hutchings Tim Eicher and Eric Young.

2006-Another Year at Dixie!

Highlights:

• Living with bitches again (didn't I learn the first time?!)


• Bowling with Bo almost every night, and sometimes driving all the way to Mesquite when St. George was having league.


• Going to three concerts in one week.


• Thousands of dollars in dental work & massive American Express debt.
  
• Meeting the love of my life and moving to Cedar City just to be close to him.


• Getting a pop and treats at Phillips 66 or Shell with Lettie every week just before Greys.


• Trips to Zion/Bryce and Arches on a regular basis.
  
  
  
  2007- SUU at its finest!
  

Highlights:

• Getting a job at the Abbey Inn, where I met some of the most amazing women!
  
  
• Summers in Cedar and going up the canyon to visit Brett's grandparents a lot at their cabin.
• Saying goodbye to my Gilmore Girls.
  
• Discovering Roseanne.
  
• Babysitting Luke.
  
• Meeting Elise and learning lots of French!


• Cedar City snow storms (o.k. so these were memorable... not happy occasions)


• Game nights with Brett's roomates and the Milford crew.
  
• Breaking my new phone.... four times.


• Brads "slut" hut, Costa Vida, Brunos, Pastry Pub, and Pizza Factory= enjoying a town full of good food!
  

And last but not least....

• The Proposal!!
  

2008-Home, Home on the Range: UVU Part I.

Big moments:

• Getting to go to school with Brett everyday.
  
  
• Working with a bunch of people who quickly became good friends and making many midnight trips to Dennys!
  
• Wrecking my car and buying a new one.

• The 4 hour iPod Kiss-Off

• Being a Teachers Assistant for one of the greatest teachers at UVU.

• Planning our wedding

2009- UVU Part II

Highlights:

• Overcoming my fear of public speaking by presenting at several research conferences.


• Getting married.

• Taking a hip hop class with my sister, and pimpin' it out.
• In N Out opening in Utah County!
  
• Learning to live large even as broke newlyweds.


• Getting promoted at work.


• Learning more about DBT.


• Finishing my grad school applications.


• Getting into Smith, Columbia, Boston, Barry, St. Catherine's, BYU, and Washburn!



• Flying to Massachusetts by myself to check out Smith.

• Paying off all of my credit card debt.

And last but not least...

• Booking a trip to Jamaica as my graduation present to myself!

Whew! It has been an incredible five years, filled with memories and experience I will never forget. I may not have the whole world yet, but check back in two years... You never know!